2009 Survivor Poetry Challenge: Workshop

[Angeline]

Opinions needed on this maybe Tanka with the trigger of the double acrostic. First i went for the syllable count and got this

Soon you my heart deny
Although seen thy need to feel
Darkness in this hand
Lovingly touch Aurora
Yours the daylight mine is loss

but as you see the penultimate line isn't long

Soon you my heart deny
Although seen thy need to feel
Darkness in this hand
Lovingly extend to touch Aurora
Yours the daylight mine is loss

so would this be better?

I so don't know this form so take what I say with a grain of salt.

I think your first version works better because the syllable count goes so off on line four of the second. And if I'm understanding Lauren's definition correctly (my Book of Forms says there are different ways to construct a tanka though the syllable count is basically the same), the penultimate line doesn't so much have to look longer than it needs to thematically pull together the pieces that precede and follow it.

Does that make sense? Maybe someone else who knows the form can explain it better, but that's the way I'm interpreting it.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I asked because in the rules it says in the English version it's the lines of different lengths rather than the syllables oh well hang on to it until I know for sure

 

[pushkine]

Lauren, would you please validate that the following is a conforming tritina?

Thanks.



Phlebas

Once I knew her island call. My siren
Sang from deep within the crags, her song's knife
Slicing away intellect. I willed speed

Onto my sure destruction, undue speed—
For in languor should one dream a siren
And her bed, as the shore's sharp stones will knife

Through hull and body soon enough. Her knife
I called Love, or the promise of its speed.
Wrecking on these rocks stilled song, stilled siren.

Now, siren, guide your knife. Its thrust, my speed.

 

[NorthernPA4U]

So, am I correct in thinking this fits as B-11 ?

George W. Bush,
With agenda he needed to push,
Made choices that made us all vent,
Stumbling through words to call war's aims en-Gulf-ment.


Does it really fit the Clerihew form; and, more particularly, would this be an allowable use of the word engulfment?
And, if so, having never submitted anything for consideration before, what actually do I need to do?

**************

And I might as well ask on another simple one,
Does this fit the requirements for A-20, A Cinquain from the point of view of an article of clothing?

Sheer lace
For lover gone,
Ma'am slides me to the side ...
She finger fucks herself, and then
Mails me.

**************

Any other feedback would be appreciated as well.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Goodness me that's hot! I hope it fits the form lol

 

[Safe_Bet]

HOT Roasted Rat's Ass DAMN. I'm stretching so far I'm hearing joints pop!

Can somebody check this out and see if it meets the requirements for:

Form C: Curtal Sonnet
Theme #6 Write a poem about ballroom dancing.

Painted toenails are what first I see
Graceful ankles then are to me shown
Calves are revealed to my wanton glance
I adore the knee you now display to me
Thighs oh so strong with muscular tone
I crave flesh, but settle for a ballroom dance.

Taken in you arms I feel safe and secure
Making upright love while wishing to be prone
You lead me onward without a chance
With your assured boldness to my demure
We romance.

 

[NorthernPA4U]

HOT Roasted Rat's Ass DAMN. I'm stretching so far I'm hearing joints pop!

Can somebody check this out and see if it meets the requirements for:

Form C: Curtal Sonnet
Theme #6 Write a poem about ballroom dancing.

Painted toenails are what first I see
Graceful ankles then are to me shown
Calves are revealed to my wanton glance
I adore the knee you now display to me
Thighs oh so strong with muscular tone
I crave flesh, but settle for a ballroom dance.

Taken in you arms I feel safe and secure
Making upright love while wishing to be prone
You lead me onward without a chance
With your assured boldness to my demure
We romance.

The rhyming pattern is right, but the description given said the eleventh line always must be a spondee, which this is not.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

SB if you are reading this some more competition poems have gone up since you did your review

 

[LadynStFreknBed]

SB if you are reading this some more competition poems have gone up since you did your review

i'm a lil scarrrred

ok, look... i do Monday's reviews, so how about if everyone skips submitting poems on the weekends and submits them all Monday-Thursday... just to be safe..

I'm kidding!
of course, i'm kidding... but if i end up with over thirty poems to read every Monday, i'm gonna...

well, i don't know what i'd do other than piss & moan like i'm doing now.
LOL

 

[Safe_Bet]

SB if you are reading this some more competition poems have gone up since you did your review

i'm a lil scarrrred

ok, look... i do Monday's reviews, so how about if everyone skips submitting poems on the weekends and submits them all Monday-Thursday... just to be safe..

I'm kidding!
of course, i'm kidding... but if i end up with over thirty poems to read every Monday, i'm gonna...

well, i don't know what i'd do other than piss & moan like i'm doing now.
LOL

WOW! A total of 43 of them bad bears! My back hurts!!!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

That's why I made the remark wayyyyy back about the Poem Reviewers I thought poor sods they will have a big workload lol

 

[Angeline]

i'm a lil scarrrred

ok, look... i do Monday's reviews, so how about if everyone skips submitting poems on the weekends and submits them all Monday-Thursday... just to be safe..

I'm kidding!
of course, i'm kidding... but if i end up with over thirty poems to read every Monday, i'm gonna...

well, i don't know what i'd do other than piss & moan like i'm doing now.
LOL

I had almost 100 poems on my review day once. I think Fooly and Eve helped me that day, but even so it took hours to read and then write reviews.

If anyone ever needs help on a heavy day, let me know. It's not bad when you split it between a few people.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Done my Glosa now I'm going to go play cards

 

[Angeline]

HOT Roasted Rat's Ass DAMN. I'm stretching so far I'm hearing joints pop!

Can somebody check this out and see if it meets the requirements for:

Form C: Curtal Sonnet
Theme #6 Write a poem about ballroom dancing.

Painted toenails are what first I see
Graceful ankles then are to me shown
Calves are revealed to my wanton glance
I adore the knee you now display to me
Thighs oh so strong with muscular tone
I crave flesh, but settle for a ballroom dance.

Taken in you arms I feel safe and secure
Making upright love while wishing to be prone
You lead me onward without a chance
With your assured boldness to my demure
We romance.

Yup, what NorthernPa said. You need one less syllable in that eleventh line. If you had a two syllable command like "Love me" or some such, you'd be set. Easy edit.

 

[pushkine]

Can somebody check this out and see if it meets the requirements for:

Form C: Curtal Sonnet
Theme #6 Write a poem about ballroom dancing.

Painted toenails are what first I see
Graceful ankles then are to me shown
Calves are revealed to my wanton glance
I adore the knee you now display to me
Thighs oh so strong with muscular tone
I crave flesh, but settle for a ballroom dance.

Taken in you arms I feel safe and secure
Making upright love while wishing to be prone
You lead me onward without a chance
With your assured boldness to my demure
We romance.

Here is Lauren's definition of the form:

The first ten lines are usually but not always written in iambic pentameter, with the eleventh line always being a spondee (two stressed syllables in a row, as in "Watch out!" or "Stop that!").

I haven't checked your rhymes, as NorthernPA4U said he did

The rhyming pattern is right, but the description given said the eleventh line always must be a spondee, which this is not.

Angeline also notes

Yup, what NorthernPa said. You need one less syllable in that eleventh line. If you had a two syllable command like "Love me" or some such, you'd be set. Easy edit.

that your terminal line is not a spondee (i.e., only two syllables, equally stressed).

In passing, I will also (snidely ) note that your poem is not in iambic pentameter, though Lauren's description of the form seems to be rather lax on this point ("usually but not always written in iambic pentameter"). So let's call that good.

Angeline made a suggestion about how to change your last line to a spondee. My own suggestion would be to simply close off the previous line with a period (which you seem to have implied already, though the mark isn't there) and make the last line simply "Romance."

Slightly trochaic, but close enough.

Post it.

Establishing territory is good.

 

[pushkine]

So, am I correct in thinking this fits as B-11 ?

George W. Bush,
With agenda he needed to push,
Made choices that made us all vent,
Stumbling through words to call war's aims en-Gulf-ment.


Does it really fit the Clerihew form; and, more particularly, would this be an allowable use of the word engulfment?
And, if so, having never submitted anything for consideration before, what actually do I need to do?

I am not the contest moderator, but I think this is a superlative clerihew, especially that use of "engulfment."

What makes it funny, IMO.

And I might as well ask on another simple one,
Does this fit the requirements for A-20, A Cinquain from the point of view of an article of clothing?

Sheer lace
For lover gone,
Ma'am slides me to the side ...
She finger fucks herself, and then
Mails me.

Again, for me, this is dead-on form and quite funny and sexy. Inspiring, in fact:

The Miracle of Talking Mail

A thong,
Quite dampened by
Those covered parts yet speaks,
Though muffled by the envelope.
Tant pis.

 

[NorthernPA4U]

Here is Lauren's definition of the form:I haven't checked your rhymes, as NorthernPA4U said he did. (I did) Angeline also notes that your terminal line is not a spondee (i.e., only two syllables, equally stressed).

In passing, I will also (snidely ) note that your poem is not in iambic pentameter, though Lauren's description of the form seems to be rather lax on this point ("usually but not always written in iambic pentameter"). So let's call that good.

I thought strongly about commenting on the meter, but looking closely I decided to pass on it, though I will attempt when I do the same to strictly adhere to iambic pentameter, which is not that hard to accomplish.

But if it's not necessary, I am not going to insist on it as a convention. The spondee really had to be noted.

I am not the contest moderator, but I think this is a superlative clerihew, especially that use of "engulfment."

What makes it funny, IMO.

Again, for me, this is dead-on form and quite funny and sexy. Inspiring, in fact:

The Miracle of Talking Mail

A thong,
Quite dampened by
Those covered parts yet speaks,
Though muffled by the envelope.
Tant pis.

Thanks for the compliments. Yours is quite clever as well.

 

[annaswirls]

"Nobel" Niels Bohr
In the atom knew the score
An electron round the nucleus goes
And Bohr? With Oppenheimer to Los Alamos






"Nobel" Niels Bohr
Studied the electron, kept the score
A neverending path 'round the nucleus it goes
And Bohr? With Oppenheimer to Los Alamos

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Opinions needed on this maybe Tanka with the trigger of the double acrostic. First i went for the syllable count and got this

I honestly don't know. I have never written a Tanka and I'm not familiar enough with the form to give a final opinion. Maybe Equinoxe's PoBo Form Master Class thread would help. She says:

The nature of the English and Japanese languages is quite different and, as a result, the formal requirements of Japanese poetry do not make their way into English well. This leaves the would be English tanka poet, like the would be English haiku poet, in the precarious position of having to rely on her intuitions as to how the structure should flow—or to invent various tricks to try to emulate its formal structure in Japanese. Most tanka poets in English, and most translations of tanka into English, do not concern themselves with the five-seven pattern. In fact, most tanka poets in English and most translations of tanka into English don't even really concern themselves with a pattern of long and short lines; in structure, tanka becomes simply a five line poem.

So, as long as the spirit of tanka is there, I'd say go with the better version of the two.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Lauren, would you please validate that the following is a conforming tritina?

Thanks.

Yes I would. It is a tritina.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

So, am I correct in thinking this fits as B-11 ?

George W. Bush,
With agenda he needed to push,
Made choices that made us all vent,
Stumbling through words to call war's aims en-Gulf-ment.


Does it really fit the Clerihew form; and, more particularly, would this be an allowable use of the word engulfment?
And, if so, having never submitted anything for consideration before, what actually do I need to do?

**************

And I might as well ask on another simple one,
Does this fit the requirements for A-20, A Cinquain from the point of view of an article of clothing?

Sheer lace
For lover gone,
Ma'am slides me to the side ...
She finger fucks herself, and then
Mails me.

**************

Any other feedback would be appreciated as well.

Both poems are fine and respond perfectly to the challenge. To submit them, do the following:

Go to the Story Index page, and click the Login link at the top. Once inside your Literotica Control Panel, click the Submit Work link and follow the easy instruction to submit a Poem to the site.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

HOT Roasted Rat's Ass DAMN. I'm stretching so far I'm hearing joints pop!

Can somebody check this out and see if it meets the requirements for:

Form C: Curtal Sonnet
Theme #6 Write a poem about ballroom dancing.

What they said. It's a fine poem, except for the last line.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

"Nobel" Niels Bohr
In the atom knew the score
An electron round the nucleus goes
And Bohr? With Oppenheimer to Los Alamos






"Nobel" Niels Bohr
Studied the electron, kept the score
A neverending path 'round the nucleus it goes
And Bohr? With Oppenheimer to Los Alamos

And those are two great clerihews. I prefer the second one, but that's just my opinion.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Weensy problem I had started a Villanelle but Lady has beaten me to it with the same opening line! Don't suppose it matters but I'm not cribbing honest!
Lauren did you happen to notice my question about the audio? perhaps I should PM you

 

[NorthernPA4U]

OK, in just experimenting ... recognizing that some of the triggers are going to make it hard to incorporate the emotional depth generally seen in some of these forms ... I decided to experiment with an English sonnet and trigger #24.

I'm not sure I want to use this as my sonnet submission, but would people agree it meets the metric and rhyming patterns, and that the third quatrain does indeed introduce a change in tone? Would you say the closing couplet does recap the theme of the poem in a "fresh new look" as was described in the form recaps?

And is it explicit enough as a point of view of a nosy neighbor? Maybe not.

Forgive a poetry newbie, please,
for my many insecurities.


As Petunia Peers Out ...

I hear the neighbors arguing again,
They say my house is being watched at night.
I wonder if they talk about us when
Those weirdos from the order are in sight.
My sister once was hurt by creeps like these
Who gather every night, then stare this way,
I know them all, impossible to please,
Relentless in those evil games they play.
Our neighborhood was carefree long ago,
My husband's smile as wide as it could be,
Our own young son had brought to us a glow,
Ecstatic lovers all the world could see.
But then along came Lily's Dumbledore.
The peaceful rest we once had, nevermore.