How to compliment a woman

[Doog_kuron]

I can't vouch for men in general, I know that it's considered more manly to not express yourself in public, be it tears, emotions or whatever. My case is a little different to many I suspect. My parents, well, I can't think of a polite way of putting it, but let's just say they discouraged any outward signs of emotion, such as tears and other emotional out pouring through psychological and physical 'methods' and leave it at that.

 

[Elated]

Ahhhh

I can't vouch for men in general, I know that it's considered more manly to not express yourself in public, be it tears, emotions or whatever. My case is a little different to many I suspect. My parents, well, I can't think of a polite way of putting it, but let's just say they discouraged any outward signs of emotion, such as tears and other emotional out pouring through psychological and physical 'methods' and leave it at that.

Wow. No whooping, hollering on Christmas Day?
How about I goose ya and get a yelp?

 

[KrazyWhiteBoy]

Hard to express in words

Through counseling I learned that I had two reactions to my emotions, anger or happiness. There was no in between. Even when I cried, it was in anger. Usually from frustration on not understanding my anger, which only compounded my anger. A vicious cycle. My Dad always held his emotions in and I hated it, so I vowed to myself that I would never hold my emotions back. The problem was I never learned proper coping skills to deal with different emotions. I obviously chose the two easiest for me to deal with.

We, as men, have to show future generations how to properly express their emotions. Having a proper role model is the start. I have to work very hard not to fall back on old habits. No matter how long it takes, it used to be days, I try to isolate the source of my anger. What is actually causing it, the emotion behind the anger. It's getting easier, but it can still be very difficult to put into words.

I have found that my explanation doesn't have to make sense to my wife. Just being able to communicate my feelings to her makes it easier each time. I'm still very much, a work in progress.

 

[Lord Pmann]

I come from a family of criers

Town criers?

 

[Lord Pmann]

That's good stuff. I come from a family of criers, even my dad and brothers, well except for one brother. We have no problem expressing in that way. On the other hand, they can cry, but aren't good at putting those emotions into words.

But is it really society telling men not to emote, because it's more than just crying. I know men feel, and have feelings, just typically express it different. I'm questioning do the silent types push those feelings away (for whatever reason), or do they not know how to put it into words?

Men: what are your reasons for not expressing a difficult emotion out loud?

This is a good question.

Honestly, I think it's annoying that people sometimes are pushing guys to cry or do whatever. Some guys might not want to do that. Some guys might be okay.

I've cried before at things. I mean, I'm not a weepy, gender neutral genitalia- despite what Rainshine says! But, I'm not some guy who can't be emotional or whatever.

I do think girls often try to get guys to speak their language though. I think it's such an easy thing to do, to try to get people talking how you talk. I'm guilty of it. But maybe guys don't talk the same way girls do. That's not wrong. Guys and girls need to learn how to talk to each other and understand one another without insisting the other does so the way they want.

Sometimes I don't express things out loud because I don't want it picked apart. Like, I remember this girl I liked years ago, teen pmann. If you brought the littles thing up, she wanted to talk the shit out of it.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I guess I would add another question..

What are the "difficult" emotions?

I know we think of angry or sad..
I was in a relationship once with a man who couldn't demonstrate joy. He learned after the fact that it wasn't something he'd experienced in his home as a child and even told me that he would picture it in his head but couldn't make it come out.

 

[Doog_kuron]

I guess I would add another question..

What are the "difficult" emotions?

I know we think of angry or sad..
I was in a relationship once with a man who couldn't demonstrate joy. He learned after the fact that it wasn't something he'd experienced in his home as a child and even told me that he would picture it in his head but couldn't make it come out.

Well difficult emotions are things like....erm....well ya know, like say....do you know how? erm....see it's like....

Anyway, how the heck did we arrive at this from offering up compliments to random strange women by equally strange guys? Worlds gone mad.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

Well difficult emotions are things like....erm....well ya know, like say....do you know how? erm....see it's like....

Anyway, how the heck did we arrive at this from offering up compliments to random strange women by equally strange guys? Worlds gone mad.

HA!

(and I would like to reiterate that, while I do not hesitate to offer help, offer a compliment, or offer a friendly greeting, I do not consider it an invitation to share your life story. If you want me to become your new best friend, we should at least be having lunch. Unlike Shiny, I do not think this shows a lack of humanity as much as it shows a degree of discernment. I am more likely to be concerned about the safety of the person who does not know when to stop sharing personal information with strangers.)

Now, circling back to the new question about emotions,
I think that it can be difficult for the men I've known to express worry. They're often trying to hold it all in, be strong, be the anchor… I think that part of what I've noticed here is that men can safely express concerns about things at home without raising concerns with the people at home.

 

[MeekMe]

Well difficult emotions are things like....erm....well ya know, like say....do you know how? erm....see it's like....

Anyway, how the heck did we arrive at this from offering up compliments to random strange women by equally strange guys? Worlds gone mad.

:shrugs: These things just happen. I don't know about you, but I'm happier with a more light hearted tone. It was getting rather... Dark.

Besides, I'm getting insight on something I don't understand. I'm highly emotional (despite not being able to express love openly) while my husband can express love well, but doesn't show worry or panic at all.

He says I cry and worry enough for the both of us. On the other hand, I think he shows enough enthusiasm for the both of us. Seriously, it just doesn't reach my face and people think I hate everything. ＞_＜

 

[KrazyWhiteBoy]

:shrugs: These things just happen. I don't know about you, but I'm happier with a more light hearted tone. It was getting rather... Dark.

Besides, I'm getting insight on something I don't understand. I'm highly emotional (despite not being able to express love openly) while my husband can express love well, but doesn't show worry or panic at all.

He says I cry and worry enough for the both of us. On the other hand, I think he shows enough enthusiasm for the both of us. Seriously, it just doesn't reach my face and people think I hate everything. ＞_＜

We are all a product of the environment we grew up in. The example adults show us while growing up forms the basis for how we respond emotionally. Some of those decisions are conscious while the majority are subconscious.

If you think about how your parents expressed their emotions, you'll most likely understand the majority of your reactions to emotion.

There is NEVER a wrong emotion. It's how we react during that emotion that can be very wrong.

Yes. I have spent a good amount of time on a therapist's couch.

 

[Saucyminx]

We are all a product of the environment we grew up in. The example adults show us while growing up forms the basis for how we respond emotionally. Some of those decisions are conscious while the majority are subconscious.

If you think about how your parents expressed their emotions, you'll most likely understand the majority of your reactions to emotion.

There is NEVER a wrong emotion. It's how we react during that emotion that can be very wrong.

Yes. I have spent a good amount of time on a therapist's couch.

If I went, I'd probably end up under the therapist's couch.

I had never seen anyone cry at a funeral until I was 18 and a friend was killed in a car crash. It just wasn't done in my family. Grief was private. Since my parents are both gone, I find I bawl at the smallest thing such as Disney's Up. I was a wreck. Maybe I'm making up for lost time. *shrugs*

 

[Lord Pmann]

Now, circling back to the new question about emotions,
I think that it can be difficult for the men I've known to express worry. They're often trying to hold it all in, be strong, be the anchor… I think that part of what I've noticed here is that men can safely express concerns about things at home without raising concerns with the people at home.

This is very true. I do bottle stuff up sometimes. It's hard to talk about things in certain circumstances. And then, if you do and it doesn't go well, it makes it harder to do.

I'm not one who gets my feathers ruffled in tough situations. I'm pretty laid back and logical. However, I do worry about things at times and I keep a lot of that in.

 

[Noor]

http://www.playboy.com/articles/should-you-catcall-her-flowchart

 

[unregistered]

 

[Noor]

Noor, I saw that yesterday! I was going to post it but the full flow chart wouldn't load for me.

 

[satindesire]

Most people would catergorize me as the ballsy, obnoxious type, but in the interactions I have described I genuinely wanted to give a sincere compliment. I have never been afraid of talking to perfect strangers. Growing up in a military family, and moving around the world, taught me how to fit in with all different types of people.

I originally asked the question because I don't want to offend women, and I am not trying to hook up. I am happily married. I don't believe I have ever cat called at a woman, unless you count a couple of short blasts of the air horn. Which most people wouldn't even know why I was blowing the horn.

I want to be perceived as a nice guy, and try to act accordingly. Thus the question. The last thing I want is to be "that guy on the construction site". Unfortunately there have been way to many of those assholes and much worse. Making some women very wary of men. I believe it is animal nature, instinctual. If a horse or dog is subjected to abuse by someone or something, they will be wary of anything similar to that abuser. It takes much longer to regain the trust lost.

I also believe this. It's not something many people are conscious of, it's just a fear reaction from the gut, the hindbrain taking over as it were.

We're all just animals. But we're animals WITH LANGUAGE, and we need to respect not only our consciousness but our animal nature. It's there for a reason, evolutionarily speaking, it obviously works to continue the species.

Fear isn't a BAD THING. It teaches, it sharpens. I find it sad that the women and men who show fear are criticized rather than the people who make them fearful.

http://www.playboy.com/articles/should-you-catcall-her-flowchart

Okay, I am reblogging that on EVERY WEBSITE I'm on!

 

[All_4_Love]

Fear isn't a BAD THING. It teaches, it sharpens. I find it sad that the women and men who show fear are criticized rather than the people who make them fearful.

You state this as if it were fact. You're right, fear is not a bad thing, but fear is also something that others can't "make" you feel. Just as I can't make you feel sad, angry, happy; I also can't make you feel fear.

We have choices in life; we can either choose to act from fear or from love. If we choose to act from love instead of fear, we can just as easily take things in stride when a man compliments, approaches, cat calls, what have you. We don't always have to come from a place of feeling threatened and fearful, as if we are being attacked, so we have to counter that attack. We also don't have to come from a place of condescension, as that is also a choice being made.

I have personally not been offended when men notice my beauty, so to speak. I don't feel threatened by a whistle across a parking lot, or a man making small conversation and giving a compliment while standing in line at the store. Both situations make me feel a bit flattered, and then I carry on. No harm, no foul.

 

[stickygirl]

You state this as if it were fact. You're right, fear is not a bad thing, but fear is also something that others can't "make" you feel. Just as I can't make you feel sad, angry, happy; I also can't make you feel fear.

We have choices in life; we can either choose to act from fear or from love. If we choose to act from love instead of fear, we can just as easily take things in stride when a man compliments, approaches, cat calls, what have you. We don't always have to come from a place of feeling threatened and fearful, as if we are being attacked, so we have to counter that attack. We also don't have to come from a place of condescension, as that is also a choice being made.

I have personally not been offended when men notice my beauty, so to speak. I don't feel threatened by a whistle across a parking lot, or a man making small conversation and giving a compliment while standing in line at the store. Both situations make me feel a bit flattered, and then I carry on. No harm, no foul.

Contradiction much?

If nothing else, this thread has shown that some women do feel a thrill or are flattered by random compliments. Some women like doggy position, some like BDSM, some like Marmite... Pro-compliment Litsters are saying women who do feel fear should 'man-up' and stop being so sensitive. Personally I find that abhorrent but I'm not going to say all compliments are wrong just the ones from assholes.

 

[xtinelauren1]

 

[GiggLeGasm]

flatter - verb

happy - adjective

 

[MeekMe]

Contradiction much?

If nothing else, this thread has shown that some women do feel a thrill or are flattered by random compliments. Some women like doggy position, some like BDSM, some like Marmite... Pro-compliment Litsters are saying women who do feel fear should 'man-up' and stop being so sensitive. Personally I find that abhorrent but I'm not going to say all compliments are wrong just the ones from assholes.

Thank you stickygirl, I was in too much pain to make a coherent post yesterday.

Also, I've been in a position where someone MADE me feel fear. But just maybe, if I had made a choice and acted with love I wouldn't have been hurt physically and emotionally?

 

[All_4_Love]

Contradiction much?

If nothing else, this thread has shown that some women do feel a thrill or are flattered by random compliments. Some women like doggy position, some like BDSM, some like Marmite... Pro-compliment Litsters are saying women who do feel fear should 'man-up' and stop being so sensitive. Personally I find that abhorrent but I'm not going to say all compliments are wrong just the ones from assholes.

No, it's not a contradiction. It is still MY choice as to how I choose to respond to the situation. For me, it feels flattering because I choose to come from a place of love and acceptance instead of contempt and fear.

Also, my position has nothing to do with "manning up". Quite the opposite, in fact. Accepting compliments graciously, in my opinion, is a feminine quality.

 

[All_4_Love]

Thank you stickygirl, I was in too much pain to make a coherent post yesterday.

Also, I've been in a position where someone MADE me feel fear. But just maybe, if I had made a choice and acted with love I wouldn't have been hurt physically and emotionally?

MeekMe, if you were a victim of a violent crime, that is something totally different than the subject/point of this thread. You know that.

I am sincerely sorry that happened to you.

Your fear was not a choice, as you were truly victimized. Please know this, that it is not my intention to dishonor you in any way by stating my opinion on this thread.

Also, keep in mind that just because some of us don't choose to share the details of our stories, doesn't mean we can't empathize with you. How do you know what I have lived or what I have been through? You don't.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Pro-compliment Litsters are saying women who do feel fear should 'man-up' and stop being so sensitive. Personally I find that abhorrent but I'm not going to say all compliments are wrong just the ones from assholes.

I think it's abhorrent that pro-compliment listers have been demonized for being pro-compliment listers and encouraging the hideous complimentary behaviour. I don't think that it was implied people need to stop being so sensitive.

For the record, I am an anti-compliment type person.

 

[stickygirl]

No, it's not a contradiction. It is still MY choice as to how I choose to respond to the situation. For me, it feels flattering because I choose to come from a place of love and acceptance instead of contempt and fear.

...only teasing I knew what you meant

Also, my position has nothing to do with "manning up". Quite the opposite, in fact. Accepting compliments graciously, in my opinion, is a feminine quality.

We're not in disagreement: because you don't feel threatened you don't don't fall into the man-up-to-it group and that's fine. I could split hairs over gracious acceptance being a feminine quality but afhjkl ... there's been so many hairs split on this thread it looks like a hair-stylist worst nightmare.

I think it's abhorrent that pro-compliment listers have been demonized for being pro-compliment listers and encouraging the hideous complimentary behaviour. I don't think that it was implied people need to stop being so sensitive.

Oh, it's in there ^^ somewhere *waves vaguely at previous pages of ... stuff*

For the record, I am an anti-compliment type person.

So a group hug is out the question then