How to compliment a woman

[satindesire]

f^_^;

Seems to me there's a misunderstanding. I can accept a compliment. To be clear, there is a difference between a compliment and harassment. Also, the environment has a major affect on how I react. If the area has people and seems fairly safe (as in I'm not cornered or completely alone) and it's worded appropriately, I will of course smile and say thank you. Believe it or not, it's happened.

Most of the tangents were about street harassment, which is often more crude and sometimes threatening. I know that with my admission in this thread it sounds like I'm a weird, paranoid squirrel of a person, but I'm perfectly capable of being friendly.

And sometimes, it's fatal.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soraya-chemaly/street-harassment-is-runn_b_4004394.html

 

[Athalia]

Hold the phone, call the press, alert the president, contact NATO. Things just got real. A woman was given a compliment and she liked it. My god, what are we to do?

We can learn from it, for one thing. As Meekme pointed out, there's a difference between a compliment and harassment. And believe it or not, most women can tell the difference. In my encounter at the grocery store, I felt that the compliment was sincere, mostly by the fact that the guy seemed a bit shy about accepting the thanks I gave him; he was obviously not going to pursue it. No alarm bells rang. It was just a random act of kindness. What's wrong with that?

But most "compliments" aren't intended that way, and they don't come off that way. They are confrontational; they expect some sort of reaction and reciprocation. There's a string attached, and that's what puts women off about them.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I believe that the street harassment point has been adequately stated.

As long as we're going to beat this to death, I will agree that I appreciate compliments as well. Granted, I've never been subject to the demoralizing effects of cat calls and whistles from strange men as I walk down the street; but I don't live in a place where those actions are as commonplace as some of you have mentioned.

Sometimes, I am greeted by nice gentlemen who smile, hold the door, and say things like, "well don't you look lovely today"

and I like it.. so leave these poor men alone. They're being nice.

 

[unregistered]

 

[bailadora]

^^^Yes, this.

(I have been on the receiving end of catcalls, though. Still, I do not believe all men are assholes (or that all women aren't).)

Seconded.

 

[Que]

^^^Yes, this.

(I have been on the receiving end of catcalls, though. Still, I do not believe all men are assholes (or that all women aren't).)

Consider this.

Do you think it is likely that the OP, just from the tentative nature of his question, is the ballsy cat-call making type?

When I give my experience in this vein it comes from a place of having in the past been far to titrated in how I interacted with women. It can be paralyzing if you let it.

That is why always advocate for bolder, not dialing it back. The audience here (online everywhere, I suspect) ranges the gammet from virtual shut-ins to the shyly awkward that have their good days.

None of them are apt to go off in a verbally aggressive manner by default.

 

[shiny5437]

I believe that the street harassment point has been adequately stated.

As long as we're going to beat this to death, I will agree that I appreciate compliments as well. Granted, I've never been subject to the demoralizing effects of cat calls and whistles from strange men as I walk down the street; but I don't live in a place where those actions are as commonplace as some of you have mentioned.

Sometimes, I am greeted by nice gentlemen who smile, hold the door, and say things like, "well don't you look lovely today"

and I like it.. so leave these poor men alone. They're being nice.

I don't want to send this thread around the houses again but those sorts of compliments are an implicit form of sexism. Well intentioned, pleasantly received, but still gender biased. But I'm sure after 400+ posts we all knew that already.

 

[Doog_kuron]

I confess I don't know anything about human nature in any qualified capacity, I don't have a fancy certificate pinned on my wall that signifies a degree in psychology. I don't know a friend of a friend who's dissected the human brain, I don't sit up late chatting to women eating a large tub of Ben & Jerrys discussing feelings. To say I am ignorant in all things in the female thinking department would be a fair comment.

I grew up in a household of women, watched them go into melt down because we didn't say the right thing about their hair style, by melt down I'm talking borderline hysterical object throwing and tears. So it strikes me that most women think a little differently to us brutish men. I don't doubt the advice offered up by women here is spot on but I don't think it's really going to sink in with most men. Ask us to build a shed, no problem. Direct us to fix that leaking pipe, hey I have it sorted. Need that spider removing from the sink? Stand back ladies, leave it to us.

Ask us what we think of something you're wearing and...well watch the gears turn as we try to form a reply that won't leave us eating dinner from a microwave. Ask us to discuss our feelings and listen out for wheels turning in the mud.

Sure, some guys can do all those things but many, and I'd venture most can't. Thus all these suggestions are super awesome but I just don't think any of its likely to really sink in. My advice remains the same to men, don't bother. Judging from the majority of posts on here, it merely reinforces my viewpoint. And if it means the doom of humanity, I'm very okay with that unless it's in an environment where your encouraged to communicate, here for instance, I'd happily go about my day doing man things. Ya know, like say flower arranging. Nothing gets the inner male motor than placing that perfect daisy, am I right guys? Grrrrrr

 

[SmileyGirl]

I think it's sad this thread has turned out this way. I don't see anything wrong with a guy giving me a genuine compliment. I'm independent I know my own mind I don't need to rely on a guy etc etc. Guys are visual, girls not so much, we tend (or atleast I tend) to look for a deeper meaning to things.
Is it so wrong for a guy to give a genuine compliment even if it is based on what you're wearing or your hair etc? In any encounter where someone likes what they see there is physical attraction going on.

I had a horrible encounter with a guy I didn't know a while ago. I was dressed in jeans and a hoodie, no provocative clothing. Nothing like that happened to me when I have been out in town in an LBD, high heels so it wasn't what I was wearing. Yes it scared me, yes it made me angry, upset, mad etc etc. But he was one guy, I don't walk around in fear because of it and I most certainly don't judge other guys on his behaviour. It was a one off.

 

[Doog_kuron]

I think it's sad this thread has turned out this way. I don't see anything wrong with a guy giving me a genuine compliment. I'm independent I know my own mind I don't need to rely on a guy etc etc. Guys are visual, girls not so much, we tend (or atleast I tend) to look for a deeper meaning to things.
Is it so wrong for a guy to give a genuine compliment even if it is based on what you're wearing or your hair etc? In any encounter where someone likes what they see there is physical attraction going on.

I had a horrible encounter with a guy I didn't know a while ago. I was dressed in jeans and a hoodie, no provocative clothing. Nothing like that happened to me when I have been out in town in an LBD, high heels so it wasn't what I was wearing. Yes it scared me, yes it made me angry, upset, mad etc etc. But he was one guy, I don't walk around in fear because of it and I most certainly don't judge other guys on his behaviour. It was a one off.

I have a nagging suspicion it's not just this thread. I don't think there's anything wrong with passing a compliment. But not everyone gives and receives a compliment in the right spirit. So as much as I want to compliment those beautiful, piercing eyes and stunning smile I'm going to have to have to decline

And I think both sexes have had bad experiences with the opposite sex, I've had some awful ones which I won't go into here. But I'm doubly cautious when dealing with women in RL, triply if I can!

 

[SmileyGirl]

I have a nagging suspicion it's not just this thread. I don't think there's anything wrong with passing a compliment. But not everyone gives and receives a compliment in the right spirit. So as much as I want to compliment those beautiful, piercing eyes and stunning smile I'm going to have to have to decline

And I think both sexes have had bad experiences with the opposite sex, I've had some awful ones which I won't go into here. But I'm doubly cautious when dealing with women in RL, triply if I can!

That's ok I wasn't directing my post to you. It was just me thinking out loud

I walk my dogs on a bridal path and say good morning to other walkers, being courteous etc etc. Some of them look at me like I'm mental. Horrified that I actually said hello nevermind anything else. I think society sucks sometimes.

 

[unregistered]

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I read these posts and laugh. I laugh because the posts are different from what I've observed and experienced of women. Sixty-five years worth.

Lemme add, if you flirt with the Jehovah's Witness ladies they're certain to scratch your name from their visit list.

 

[KrazyWhiteBoy]

Consider this.

Do you think it is likely that the OP, just from the tentative nature of his question, is the ballsy cat-call making type?

When I give my experience in this vein it comes from a place of having in the past been far to titrated in how I interacted with women. It can be paralyzing if you let it.

That is why always advocate for bolder, not dialing it back. The audience here (online everywhere, I suspect) ranges the gammet from virtual shut-ins to the shyly awkward that have their good days.

None of them are apt to go off in a verbally aggressive manner by default.

Most people would catergorize me as the ballsy, obnoxious type, but in the interactions I have described I genuinely wanted to give a sincere compliment. I have never been afraid of talking to perfect strangers. Growing up in a military family, and moving around the world, taught me how to fit in with all different types of people.

I originally asked the question because I don't want to offend women, and I am not trying to hook up. I am happily married. I don't believe I have ever cat called at a woman, unless you count a couple of short blasts of the air horn. Which most people wouldn't even know why I was blowing the horn.

I want to be perceived as a nice guy, and try to act accordingly. Thus the question. The last thing I want is to be "that guy on the construction site". Unfortunately there have been way to many of those assholes and much worse. Making some women very wary of men. I believe it is animal nature, instinctual. If a horse or dog is subjected to abuse by someone or something, they will be wary of anything similar to that abuser. It takes much longer to regain the trust lost.

 

[MeekMe]

Hm, I should point out that I've received compliments from other women. Take for example a girl in the craft store was with her friend, I was shopping alone. She pointed to me and said, "omg I love your outfit." Probably the best compliment I've ever heard. In my mind I was like, "why thank you for noticing that I paired this cardigan with a Peter Pan collar top and my lacy Steve Madden shoes." What came out was an embarrassed smile and, "thank you." I'm a little more conscious of complimenting women. As sometimes it feels really nice to get one, so passing that on is a good thing. Of course, I've heard my husband compliment men in the, "you're looking sharp" capacity.

Just keep it simple and courteous. And if it's received well, smile and move on. If it's not received well, smile and move on.

Also, I'm shy and awkward, but I have a lot more than just some good days. I go out and meet people all the time. Bad movie night at the bar is the easiest way to make new friends.

 

[Saucyminx]

Hm, I should point out that I've received compliments from other women. Take for example a girl in the craft store was with her friend, I was shopping alone. She pointed to me and said, "omg I love your outfit." Probably the best compliment I've ever heard. In my mind I was like, "why thank you for noticing that I paired this cardigan with a Peter Pan collar top and my lacy Steve Madden shoes." What came out was an embarrassed smile and, "thank you." I'm a little more conscious of complimenting women. As sometimes it feels really nice to get one, so passing that on is a good thing. Of course, I've heard my husband compliment men in the, "you're looking sharp" capacity.

Just keep it simple and courteous. And if it's received well, smile and move on. If it's not received well, smile and move on.

Also, I'm shy and awkward, but I have a lot more than just some good days. I go out and meet people all the time. Bad movie night at the bar is the easiest way to make new friends.

I do that a lot. Yesterday I saw a lady with killer shoes, and only after she made eye contact and smiled, I said "Those shoes are fantastic!" She then complimented my equally fantastic footwear. It was a mutual admiration society.

I usually won't say anything unless they look receptive. If they are giving off that "don't bother me" vibe, I just admire in silence and then chat about it with the friend I'm shopping with. Pretty much everyone gets the big sunny smile though regardless of demeanor. I can't help it. I'm friendly.

 

[MeekMe]

I do that a lot. Yesterday I saw a lady with killer shoes, and only after she made eye contact and smiled, I said "Those shoes are fantastic!" She then complimented my equally fantastic footwear. It was a mutual admiration society.

I usually won't say anything unless they look receptive. If they are giving off that "don't bother me" vibe, I just admire in silence and then chat about it with the friend I'm shopping with. Pretty much everyone gets the big sunny smile though regardless of demeanor. I can't help it. I'm friendly.

Indeed, some people just don't want to be bothered. That's totally ok, because sometimes it's exhausting to be in public. I may not always say it out loud, but if I like something I'll quietly mention it if I happen to be with someone at the time. I like to quietly observe most days. And you're very right about waiting to see if the person acknowledges your presence to say something.

I had a very weird interaction with an elderly lady once. I was walking up to my condo hallway door when an old woman just started talking from the sidewalk, " it's girls like you that make me want to go back to New Jersey! It's too hot down here and I just can't wear things like that!" She rambled, but I knew she was trying to compliment me, it just came out really weird. I didn't know what to say and just sort of smiled. I just happened to be wearing a racer back top (nothing provocative, but appropriate for the heat) and she was basically saying it was too hot for her normal style of clothing. I commented to my friend when we got inside, "well that was awkward."

I suppose, every interaction is unique and we can try our best to be nice, but it may not work out as we had hoped.

 

[Doog_kuron]

Part of my job often has me travelling all over the country and into Europe. This means I am always thrust into the path of strangers. Normally I keep my head down and ignore everyone. I prefer to be left alone so will listen to music, mess about with my phone, anything really. I've had men and women start conversations with me, I remain polite but for some reason when people talk to me they want to give me their life stories.

The weirdest conversation come from women, middle aged women. I had one who would use literally any excuse to talk to me. A sachet of ketchup, the furnishings, the colour of the paint. I was polite, I always am, but gods I wished she'd shut up. Another woman kept trying to talk to me, her enthusiasm left me literally open mouthed. She'd then stop at random intervals to mention she had a boyfriend, then babble some more, then go back to the boyfriend, how he's always away, and so on and so forth. I was relieved when my train pulled up.

And this sort of nonsense happens every time I leave the safety of my office. Thus whenever a woman catches my eye and smiles I have a feeling of dread wash over me and mentally will said woman to leave me alone. Women baffle me

 

[shiny5437]

The weirdest conversation come from women, middle aged women. I had one who would use literally any excuse to talk to me. A sachet of ketchup, the furnishings, the colour of the paint. I was polite, I always am, but gods I wished she'd shut up. Another woman kept trying to talk to me, her enthusiasm left me literally open mouthed. She'd then stop at random intervals to mention she had a boyfriend, then babble some more, then go back to the boyfriend, how he's always away, and so on and so forth. I was relieved when my train pulled up.

I live on my own and sometimes the only face to face conversation (ie not IM or Skype) I might get over a weekend is the small talk that occurs when out and about. So it might be a pain for you but for the people chatting to you it might be quite important.

 

[Doog_kuron]

I live on my own and sometimes the only face to face conversation (ie not IM or Skype) I might get over a weekend is the small talk that occurs when out and about. So it might be a pain for you but for the people chatting to you it might be quite important.

That's actually terribly depressing, that I'm their source of social interaction. Mind you, not as though I'm the only one there, there's loads of other people around. I just seem to attract them. But as I say, I am always polite. This common with middle aged women?

 

[shiny5437]

That's actually terribly depressing, that I'm their source of social interaction. Mind you, not as though I'm the only one there, there's loads of other people around. I just seem to attract them. But as I say, I am always polite. This common with middle aged women?

You make it sound like a bad thing that you're so approachable. Maybe you express more compassion and humanity than you think you do.

 

[SmileyGirl]

You make it sound like a bad thing that you're so approachable. Maybe you express more compassion and humanity than you think you do.

Mayyyyyybe he secretly likes it

 

[Aquagal]

I confess I don't know anything about human nature in any qualified capacity, I don't have a fancy certificate pinned on my wall that signifies a degree in psychology. I don't know a friend of a friend who's dissected the human brain, I don't sit up late chatting to women eating a large tub of Ben & Jerrys discussing feelings. To say I am ignorant in all things in the female thinking department would be a fair comment.

I grew up in a household of women, watched them go into melt down because we didn't say the right thing about their hair style, by melt down I'm talking borderline hysterical object throwing and tears. So it strikes me that most women think a little differently to us brutish men. I don't doubt the advice offered up by women here is spot on but I don't think it's really going to sink in with most men. Ask us to build a shed, no problem. Direct us to fix that leaking pipe, hey I have it sorted. Need that spider removing from the sink? Stand back ladies, leave it to us.

Ask us what we think of something you're wearing and...well watch the gears turn as we try to form a reply that won't leave us eating dinner from a microwave. Ask us to discuss our feelings and listen out for wheels turning in the mud.

Sure, some guys can do all those things but many, and I'd venture most can't. Thus all these suggestions are super awesome but I just don't think any of its likely to really sink in. My advice remains the same to men, don't bother. Judging from the majority of posts on here, it merely reinforces my viewpoint. And if it means the doom of humanity, I'm very okay with that unless it's in an environment where your encouraged to communicate, here for instance, I'd happily go about my day doing man things. Ya know, like say flower arranging. Nothing gets the inner male motor than placing that perfect daisy, am I right guys? Grrrrrr

I have a question pertaining to that statement, which in my experience and observation has been true of most. Why is that so? Why is it hard to discuss your feelings, or is it hard to actually put into words? Do you most times choose not to, because how it hears is taken in the wrong way?

 

[MeekMe]

I have a question pertaining to that statement, which in my experience and observation has been true of most. Why is that so? Why is it hard to discuss your feelings, or is it hard to actually put into words? Do you most times choose not to, because how it hears is taken in the wrong way?

I've seen this a lot. I've never seen my husband cry, because he doesn't. When he was a kid, his father leaned over at his grandmother's funeral and told him not to cry. He took it as "never, ever, EVER cry." Even when we watched the movie Up I bawled my eyes out and all he did was agree that it was sad. (@_@)

It's how we're raised. My own grandmother told me when I was a kid looking into my grandfather's casket, "you can touch him if you want." I immediately went to sit down with my parents and cried the rest of the funeral. I don't do open caskets EVER.

I believe men are told over and over that they can't be emotional. I can describe my feelings, but most people would question whether I actually felt them, because the emotion doesn't reach my face. Unless I'm crying, and I'm an ugly crier.

Sorry, don't mean to jump in like that. It's just something I've noticed and had a story for.

Edit: it was pointed out that I wrote 'balled' instead of 'bawled.'

 

[Aquagal]

I've seen this a lot. I've never seen my husband cry, because he doesn't. When he was a kid, his father leaned over at his grandmother's funeral and told him not to cry. He took it as "never, ever, EVER cry." Even when we watched the movie Up I balled my eyes out and all he did was agree that it was sad. (@_@)

It's how we're raised. My own grandmother told me when I was a kid looking into my grandfather's casket, "you can touch him if you want." I immediately went to sit down with my parents and cried the rest of the funeral. I don't do open caskets EVER.

I believe men are told over and over that they can't be emotional. I can describe my feelings, but most people would question whether I actually felt them, because the emotion doesn't reach my face. Unless I'm crying, and I'm an ugly crier.

Sorry, don't mean to jump in like that. It's just something I've noticed and had a story for.

That's good stuff. I come from a family of criers, even my dad and brothers, well except for one brother. We have no problem expressing in that way. On the other hand, they can cry, but aren't good at putting those emotions into words.

But is it really society telling men not to emote, because it's more than just crying. I know men feel, and have feelings, just typically express it different. I'm questioning do the silent types push those feelings away (for whatever reason), or do they not know how to put it into words?

Men: what are your reasons for not expressing a difficult emotion out loud?