The 'ethics' of casual 'bdsm'

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Am I being abused?...

This question may have crossed your mind a time or two. Try this Abuse Screening List. Look over the following questions. Think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Remember, abuse doesn’t have to be physical! When one person scares, hurts or continually puts down the other person, it’s abuse! One or two checks doesn’t necessarily indicate abuse, but might give you pause to think about working on the relationship.

Does (or has) your partner...
_____ Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?
_____ Slowly isolated you from your family and friends?
_____ Put down your accomplishments or goals?
_____ Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?
_____ Threaten to hurt your children or pet if you don’t comply with their wants or desires?
_____ Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?
_____ Tell you that you are nothing without them?
_____ Treat you roughly - grab, push pinch, shove or hit you?
_____ Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?
_____ Made you totally dependant on them economically?
_____ Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?
_____ Blame you for how they feel or act?
_____ Refusing to give you or your children medical and dental care?
_____ Force you to have an abortion?
_____ Preventing you from going to church and participating in church activities?
_____ Restrict you’re your access to the children?
_____ Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?
_____ Make you feel like there “is no way out” of the relationship?
_____ Prevent you from doing things you want - like spending time with your friends or family?
_____ Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to “teach you a lesson”?
_____ Make you take drugs or alcohol?

And for those that are in to the B & D and S & M of BDSM:
_____ Are hard limits ignored?
_____ Is safety ignored?
_____ Is there no effort made to resolve conflict after a problematic session?
_____ Is there no aftercare given?
_____ Are you just used as a ‘object’ on which the Master takes out their anger?
_____ Has your partner tried to force you into sexual situations with others?
_____ Are your needs as a submissive/slave ignored?

The following are Indications of MAJOR Abuse. Counseling is recommended for anyone that can answer YES to any of the following questions. Immediate intervention is suggested for those who answered yes to even one of the questions that are in RED.

Do you...
_____ Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?
_____ Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?
_____ Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?
_____ Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
_____ Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?
_____ Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
_____ Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?
_____ Doubt your own judgment even in small decisions?
_____ Always doubt your memory of the way things happened because of what he says?
_____ Feel increasingly trapped and powerless?
_____ Have you thought of suicide?
_____ Have you thought of murdering your partner as a way out?

Note: This list is not comprehensive. Your particular situation may be somewhat different. If you still feel you are being abused, seek professional counseling. Nothing in this checklist shoud be considered a substitute for counseling.

If you feel you are in an abusive relationship, get help now!
You can take the first step by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) (TDD 1-800-787-3224) or go to http://www.ndvh.org .

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/submissive_abused.html

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN THE S/M COMMUNITY

Domestic violence is not the same as consensual SM. Yet, abusive relationships do exist within the leather/SM community, as with all groups. Unfortunately, due to our sexual orientation, abused persons who are SM may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes. No group is free of domestic battering; but fear, denial, and lack of knowledge have a slowed public response to this serious social problem.
Domestic violence is not restricted to one particular group within the SM community. A person's size, gender, or particular sex role (top-bottom, butch-femme) is irrelevant; anyone can be subject to abuse.
Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. It is a pattern of international intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without her or his consent. Because of the intimidation factor, where there is abuse in any part of the relationship, there can be no consent.
Defining the Problem
The following questions can help a person to define the problem, which can have characteristics that are physical, sexual, economic, and psychological.
Does your partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically hurt you outside of a scene?
Has she or he ever restrained you against your will; locked you in a room; or used a weapon of any kind?
Are you afraid of your partner?
Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual SM. Battering is not something that can be agreed upon; there is an absence of safe words or understandings.
Has she or he violated your limits?
Do you feel trapped in a specific role as either top or bottom?
Does your partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control, or ridicule you for the limits you set?
Do you feel obligated to have sex?
Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident?
Does your partner isolate you from friends, family, or groups?
Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened pets?
Has your partner abused or threatened your children?
Does your partner limit access to work or to material resources?
Has he or she ever stolen from you or run up your debts?
Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem?
Does your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration?
Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible for the violence. You are not alone; connect with other survivors.
There are reasons for staying in abusive relationships: fear of (or feeling for) the abuser, and lack of economic or emotional resources. If you stay, help is still available. Find out about shelters, support groups, counselors, anti-violence programs, and crisis lines in your area; ask a friend to help you make these calls. Plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up fiends and family in case of an emergency.
Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options. You can get the court to order the person to stop hurting you through an Order of Protection or Harassment Restraining Order. You do not need a lawyer.
We Can Reduce Domestic Violence
Domestic violence does exist in the SM-Leather-Fetish community. We can make it clear that we will listen to those who have the courage to speak out. Understand that leaving is difficult. Let the person make his or her own choices. Keep all information confidential. Encourage survivors to take legal action and seek support. Help find safe housing and legal advocacy. Hold batterers accountable and urge them to seek treatment. Deny that drug and alcohol use can excuse battering. Support changes in that person's behavior.
Leather groups in our community are crucial to reducing domestic violence Invite knowledgeable speakers; lead discussions; print up a list for member of what resources in your area are SM-supportive. Educate your local legal and social service system about our lifestyle; encourage their appropriate intervention.
Safe Link
Safe Link is a clearinghouse for materials and questions about domestic violence, specifically for person who are into leather, SM, or fetish sexuality. It offers a list of readings and is currently compiling a roster of supportive speakers, shelters, and therapists, and information on understanding and using the law.
Write to:
Safe Link c/o
Domestic Violence Education Project
National Leather Association
3439 NE Sandy Blvd, #155
Portland, Oregon 97232

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/domestic_violence_bdsm.html

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

D/s and emotional abuse
There are four types of abuse: neglect, sexual, physical and emotional. While many of us know all about sexual or physical abuse and have a good understanding of neglect, most of us have no clue of the emotional abuse that exists in the lifestyle, and we see it everyday. It exists in large quantities, in many of the relationships people look to as "models" of how to behave.

The following are some of the signs of emotional abuse:
* They constantly call, text-message, e-mail, IM, etc. to check up on you.
* They are extremely jealous when you talk to or spend time with other people.
* They call you names or put you down, either when you're alone or with other people.
* They go behind your back to talk about things with other people, sabotaging relationships. * They make statements like, "I can't live without you. If you leave me, I'll kill myself."
* You feel depressed, anxious, and unhappy in your relationship with them.
* You're scared to upset or make your partner angry.
* You've seen your partner hurt or talk down to other people.
* You're down on yourself, or even hate yourself, especially when you're together.
* You don't spend as much time with your friends, and you feel isolated.
I know you have seen or experienced some of these, maybe many of them. And before you go saying this is just for submissives, I have been in an emotional abusive relationship before, and the "submissive" was the one doing the abusing. Many passive aggressive people are emotionally abusive and don't even realize they are doing it, so look to your own behavior, do you do any of that? Do you know someone who is with an emotional abuser, send them a link to this article to read, maybe they will get the hint.

Most forms of abuse are about control, which means we in the lifestyle have to be especially wary that we, as dominants or submissives, are not abusive. Most will agree there are a large number of people in this lifestyle for the wrong reasons, many need to take a long honest look at themselves.
We cannot make people change, some will always be abusers, some will always be victims, but we can point it out and let them see it, and then they can make the choice to change themselves or to live with their choice.
Know the warning signs, the red flags, no one can keep you safe but you.

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/emotional_abuse.html

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Ethics in Bondage, Discipline and Sado-Masochism

The essential ethic of BDSM practice is mutual consent. To discipline
without consent is assault. To carry out a sexual act without consent is
rape. This lifestyle, in line with the entire BDSM scene, does not
condone any act that does not have the explicit consent of the
submissive partner.

There is a perception that Bondage and Discipline will result in crimes
of violence and deprivation. There is no doubt that unfortunately some
criminals are depraved and sadistic and tie up their victims and inflict
hideous acts on them. These individuals are a blight on any society.
But this stands in the same relationship to the BDSM 'scene' as does rape to making love. The act may appear the same, but one is criminal and the other is loving. The Dominant seeks out a partner who will submit, the submissive seeks out a partner who will dominate. The criminal seeks out a victim, the victim has no say in the matter and certainly does not seek out the criminal.

Implied in consent is the responsibility of the dominant partner in any
BDSM scene to monitor the well being of the submissive, to ensure
that the submissive is stable and that the consent is still operative.

It is also the responsibility of a dominant to ensure that a submissive is not consenting to an act that is not in his or her best long term interest. Obviously nobody can be certain of the outcome of any act, but it is a responsibility to monitor the submissive as conscientiously as possible.

Neither partner should indulge in heavy drinking or drug taking as this
can impair judgment resulting in serious accidents.

Safe Words! It is accepted practice to use a 'safe word' in a BDSM
scene. This may be a code word, or in some cases an action. The
word may vary from scene to scene, and should be established by the parties before a scene begins. In BDSM scenes, the literal word 'NO' is never used as a safe word. It is a case where no rarely means no. But even so, a skilled dominant is always alert to what is going on. Submissives not infrequently reach a trance like, almost metaphysical
state (sub space), and it is the responsibility of the dominant to
monitor this.

Given that scenes only happen with consent, there is considerable
philosophical discussion as to whether a submissive is controlling a
scene by giving or withdrawing consent to particular activities. The
passive partner may well withdraw consent as soon as the dominant
begins an activity they don't like. Pedantically speaking, a dominant/
submissive relationship does not exist unless this element of consent
is removed, but this is a problem only for the purist. In the real world,
judgment is used.

If you are interested in any of the many areas of BDSM, and
Domination and Submission, we encourage you to carefully explore
yourself in a safe, healthy, harm-free way. Never force someone into a BDSM 'scene' against their will. Criminal Bondage and Sadism are sometimes confused with the loving relationships which are part of our scene. In order to enjoy the possibilities that the world of BDSM offers, one must first discover respect and trust, both of oneself and of others. The development of trust and respect governs how far the dominant and submissive can explore their levels.

Many submissives will seek out a dominant whom they feel will extend
them. They will look for a dominant who will enable them to submit to
higher levels of pain, discomfort, or forms of humiliation, all for the
purpose of giving the dominant pleasure. This request often comes
from the submissive, therefore the dominant needs to know just how
much further they can push their submissive into the area the
submissive wishes to extend. It is a very complimentary and symbiotic
form of relationship. One partner cannot work without the other.

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/ethics.html

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Facts about B&D, D&S, and S&M

Mutual consent is what distinguishes BDSM from abuse and assault, just as consent distinguishes sex from rape.

Context is what determines whether or not pain is experienced as pleasurable, though the context depends on the individual. An example of "good" pain may be getting scratched during sex, while an example of "bad" pain may be stubbing your toe.

Some individuals view BDSM as their sexual orientation, like heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. Others view it as a chosen sexual practice. In either case, it needs to be respected.

Not all BDSM play is between heterosexual couples. People who practice BDSM may be either monogamous or polyamourous.

BDSM may or may not include sexual contact. For example, during a "scene" which centers around the use of flogggers the partners may not have physical contact which goes beyond friendly hugging, yet to each individual, the scene may be sexually arousing. This sexual energy may be used at the end of a "scene" either with that partner, another partner, or by the individual alone.

People who are submissive with their partner in a BDSM "scene" may not be necessarily submissive in other aspects of their lives.

BDSM can encompass physical and/or psychological interactions. Ligature marks around wrists or ankles cause safety questions to be raised. War patients about erotic asphyxiation -- choking play or hanging play is very dangerous but common.

Accidents can happen n BDSM, just as in any other physical activity, but this isn't abuse.

Rings, collars, brands, piercings or tattoos can be symbols of commitment which are as sacred as marriage bands.

Both "tops" and "bottoms" can have bruises or soreness from a play session (scene). Both "tops" and "bottoms," regardless of their sex, can be abused.

Not all women "sub/bottom" and not all men "Dom/top."

Some people are proud of their bruises marks/cuts just as they might be proud of a hickey on their neck. Don't assume it is a problem or a mistake.

Partners who know each other very well may sometimes "negotiate" a scene without a "safe word" -- this is still not abuse but a matter of profound trust.

Just trying to help.

 

[BLoved]

Just trying to help.

Let us not forget who it is who wants you to believe any of this means anything to him or his pals ...

Just so you know I am not involved in "causal BDSM". I am in a loving monogamous relationship with someone whom I will marry one day. I have never been to a play party, munch, or any kind of BDSM event. I might not ever attend one in my life.

I personally believe BDSM is only enhanced when you are in a loving relationship. And I agree that BDSM outside of love can be more dangerous, but I will always respect another person's right to live their life how they want.

I'm going to put you on ignore now robert. It's been fun.

But before I go, I just want to say:

Kill yourself.

I agree.

I was Robert's "beloved".

I left him because he was not who i thought he was.
He changed over the time we spent together and i realized i no longer loved him. It was a difficult decision that i came to but one that i am glad i made.

Robert is stuck in his ways.
He hates change and anything that has to do with change. In way i started to pity him. He still has not gotten over the losses in his life. He tries to cover them up with his belief that Love will cure all. But I realized it doesn't.

I knew if i told Robert all this, he would have just went about his life as if i said nothing at all. Its Robert's way or its the wrong way. I couldn't live like that. i will always have a place in my heart for Robert.

But i am glad i left. It was one of the best decisions i could have made for myself.

Take care of yourself Robert.

That was me.

And I've rated your stories 1 star a bunch of times.

~smile~

Bye bye robert.

Take care.

 

[Homburg]

Did anybody notice the six-inch tongue in that story, too?

I was wondering about that too, but he's Perfect Fantasy Dom in the story anyway, so why not a 6" tongue?

--

I honestly couldn't read it. So, no.

I figured I'd give each a shot. The first story is short, and I'd already read it when he first started posting here and hadn't shown his stripes just yet. I read the second up until the point where the dialogue started, and the third, well, not very far. I got to the initial scene and could not get past the horrible suspension.

 

[intothewoods]

You crow about ethics and safety, yet describe a VERY unsafe suspension in this story arc. Branches are in no way safe to suspend on as there is no way to predict load capacity, shear strength, etc. And wrist suspensions are flat out dangerous. While the wrist can support body weight when it is properly supported and the hands are solidly gripping something, they cannot do so easily or for long periods, and are very much not designed for the lateral stresses that would be imposed by this suspension. That description is a recipe for wrist disloaction.

This suspension, as described, is rather likely to end poorly either due to wrist injury or a branch breaking. No responsible rope top would do a suspension like that. Not a one. And describing it in that manner is damned near criminally irresponsible.

I think this got lost in the shuffle.

 

[Homburg]

I think this got lost in the shuffle.

More likely that it got purposefully ignored.

 

[WriterDom]

Six inch forked tongue perhaps.

 

[Netzach]

I think this got lost in the shuffle.

Yes.

Women deciding to get spanked by a friend = sociopathic.

Breathplay based on "knowledge of the brain and circulatory system" and suspension on untested point = love. And the title to your car, first please.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Unfortunately those who believe in love and who reject the 'ethics' of casual 'bdsm' refuse to post. It is very difficult for me to show any other side of myself than the side that rejects casual 'bdsm' when no one who believes in love wishes to discuss it.

Wow. So completely off base.

I believe in love. Whatever gives you the idea that I don't? What gives you the idea that other posters here don't?

We simply disagree with your idea that "casual BDSM" is unethical.

I understand that so much hostility towards those of us who love makes posting difficult. Anyone who has a story out can see how their ratings will drop by expressing agreement with me. No one wants their reputation ruined by a mob who demand obedience, who cannot tolerate even one person who disagrees with them.

Bloved, get a grip. NO ONE has any hostility with love or loving someone. The issue is your ONE TRUE WAY mentality. The issue is your refusal to allow others to be *gasps* different. The issue is your absolute disregard for Female Owner/male slave relationships, Male top/male bottom relationships, Female Dominant/female submissive relationships... You completely dismiss anything that isn't Male Dominant/female submissive Long term romantic/love interest oriented.

And it is not just this forum, it is all of the forums, on all of the bdsm sites.

Quite shocking that you haven't learned, in all these years, to all this exposure, that YOU and your dismissal of all other relationship types, are the issue. The problem is not your idea of loving relationships.

Casual players know their lack of ethics means they must control the forum if they are to recruit fresh victims. In a fair competition with those of us who love, they will lose every time.

Oh please, if you believe in "True Love" you know damned good and well it isn't a competition, your "True Love" will find you come hell or high water. Your argument belies your actual belief - that you're totally hosed in the race to get chicks. But being the hopeless romantic that you are, you figure the Harlequin Romance approach might still get you a few stragglers who haven't caught on.

That is why they lie, distort, commit fraud, stalk, and persecute en masse anyone who disagrees with them.

If they are the only ones who post to my discussions, then the only side of me you will see is the side that refuses to be silenced by them.

Hmmmm... persecution? Disagreement with an idea is persecution?

Bubba, when you get tossed in jail because of what you write, you can claim persecution. When your house is burned down because of the color of your skin, or the faith you follow, or the things you write, you can claim persecution. When you are hunted down and beaten or raped you can claim persecution.

Until then, you are being ridiculed and humiliated, not persecuted.

There is no such thing as "be nice to them and they'll be nice to you".

Of course there is. I disagree with a LOT of people and I can get quite vocal in my disagreements with them, just as they can get vocal in their disagreements with me. I am also civil and stay to the point(s) of contention. I don't call them poo-poo heads even if they resort to name calling and personal attacks.

They will not be satisfied till they have silenced all opposition and asserted their authority to decide what everyone hears.

That is not free speech.

That is not diversity.

That is neither tolerance nor respect for anyone who holds a view that differs from theirs.

Jeebus, do you HEAR YOURSELF here? Hellooooo, paging Mr. "Everyone who does casual BDSM is an Abuser or a Victim!" YOU have expressed NO TOLERANCE for anyone that holds a view different from your own. YOU have attacked, libelled, slandered and in general been a PITA to people you don't know from Adam's tomcat in the name of "Love".

You have no "Love" for anyone or anything that doesn't fit in your neat little romantic box. You have an aching need to be "right", to be "validated" and you see anything that disagrees with your point of view regarding "loving BDSM" as some kind of personal affront.

What you have is a clear case of persecution complex.

To expect that from such as these would be to expect a three-year old to understand calculus.

See? There you go tossing aspersions on the intelligence of those who disagree with you. Since they don't agree, it's obvious that they must be stupid or something. That's called a "personal attack". Wrong answer, wrong tactic.

They are never going to be "nice" as long as their authority is challenged, as long as their way isn't the only way.

That is such self serving poppycock. Dude, my way isn't the only way. Hello, I'm a straight Male Dom. I am secure enough in who and what I am, and with what I like, to allow Gay male doms and subs... Female Doms and sub, Transgendered folks, asexual folks, Tops/bottoms, bisexuals of all varieties, swingers, poly folk and pretty much anyone else love who they want to, how they want to, play with committed loving partners, or have one night stands with other, informed, consenting adults, in honest, open situations.

Freedom of speech is not won by surrender, nor is it won by wishing others would be nicer.

This isn't a "freedom of speech" issue. First off, this is a NOT a government controlled media outlet. No one in the government (in either the US or Canada for that matter) is seeking to stop publication of your material. When you write drivel, a publisher isn't going to invest THEIR money to take a chance on losing their shirt. When the BUYERS vote with their dollars and don't buy, that isn't censorship, that's consumerism. When Siskel and Ebert gave two thumbs down, that wasn't denying a director's freedom of speech, it was saying "the movie sucked."

A lot of people think your stuff sucks. And they say so. Freedom of speech works like that. You get to write what you want. Everyone else who reads it gets to comment on it. If you don't want to get hammered for writing drivel, learn to write better, or stop putting it out there for public viewing and comment.

Freedom of speech is won through perseverance despite the persecution, both by the mob and by the mods.

Either you want to see more discussions about love-based bdsm, or you are happy to see anyone who speaks of it being persecuted till they leave.

Again, the issue isn't you writing about "love-based BDSM". The issue is the fact that you BASH, repeatedly, any other approach. If you want tolerance, then by God you better GIVE it.

Either you support those who bring sanity and diversity to the board, or you don't.

Either you fight for your freedom, or you surrender your freedom.

I support both sanity and diversity. You will have to do a better job of allowing diversity yourself, and stop playing the same broken record over and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, *bump* again if you want to convince anyone of your own sanity.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Three R's Of BDSM

Author: Bob Harris ©


Granted, "making intelligent decisions" is probably not the first thing that comes to mind when someone asks for a list of what the Government does on a day-to-day basis. Still, i'd really like to know what idiotic reasoning was used in deciding to make a holiday to mark the end of the summer season, and then do it under the guise of setting a day to honor the American worker? It's bad enough that it won't be long before the weather turns crappy, the trees lose their leaves making them all look dead, and most outdoor activities become a test of our endurance to the cold. Is an end of summer "holiday" any way to honor the workforce? Sure doesn't sound like a day to celebrate to me!

As a child, i didn't particularly like Labor Day either. It was just a reminder that school was about to start back up. It's not as bad for kids now that schools have begun reopening in August instead of September. It still marks the end of summer, but they have already been back in school for a couple weeks, so now it's the first day off from another year of "Three R's"; Reading, ''Riting & 'Rithmatic.


Judging from what i see lately, a good number of the boys, as well as the boi boys, and girls, in our community, could stand a review of the Three R's as well. The Three R's of submission that is! A lot of Dominants could stand a brush-up as well.

What are the Three R's?

Responsibility, Responsibility, Responsibility


Okay, so i made that up. Actually it should be the "Four R's" to include Respect as well.

But for now I'm going to talk about responsibility. It seems that the concept that a person is responsible for his/her own actions has all but vanished. Accepting the responsibility for ensuring that commitments made are actually honored has been changing to accepting responsibility--if and when it is not inconvenient to do so.

For example, as a member of any type group--be it a single family unit, or an international community--there is an inherent responsibility not to act in such a way as to disrupt or dishonor that group or its members. Not only has that responsibility been forgotten, it appears that it has been replaced with a responsibility to purposely try to tear things apart. We're seeing more and more of that within our Community lately.

It would be easy just to ignore the problem, to write it off by saying that our Community is simply reflecting what is happening in society in general. Maybe we should be grateful that, for once, we have a problem that is not ours alone. Another easy out is to feel that any attempt to correct the situation would be futile. After all, despite many efforts, society has been unable to slow down, much less stop or reverse the trend of personal irresponsibility, right?

But, as with so many other aspects of everyday life--such as trust, honor and respect--personal responsibility and being accountable for your own actions (or lack thereof), takes on a heightened importance in the context of the BDSM culture. The concepts has even greater significance in the context of submission.

Consider how important it is for a submissive to be able to completely and unquestionably trust a Dominant. One must trust that they possess the necessary technical skills and also the personal attributes which show them to be a person of honor who inspires respect. This high degree of trust is essential for a submissive to give himself to the Dominant freely and willingly. Very few situations in everyday life require that level of trust.

Certainly, one of the fundamental elements of such a trust is knowing that the Dominant fully accepts his or her responsibility to develop basic skills before using any implement in a play scene. Dominants much accept their responsibility in ensuring that the scene does not result in the submissive being pushed to a limit beyond their actual capabilities; that they do not inflict serious injury or abuse, mentally or physically.
Likewise, one of the fundamental elements considered by a Dominant in accepting an offer of submission is whether the submissive accepts his or her responsibility to be honest when describing their experience level, personal limits, "hot-buttons" and any other factors that could even remotely affect the scene.

It is the responsibility of submissives to let the Dominant know if they are beginning to feel uneasy about a given situation or feel that they may be getting pushed too far, too fast. It is their responsibility to express those feelings to the Dominant BEFORE the they are pushed to a level beyond their capacity to deal. Once that happens it may be too late to go back and fix it; the damage may already have been done.

It is also their responsibility to inform the Dominant of any areas of play which they definitely do not wish to explore for whatever reason-- whether it's because of an association with a traumatic event earlier in life, a type of play they are not familiar with or don't understand well enough to try yet, or simply because they tried it in the past and just didn't like it.

Here are four crucial questions to think about:


1. How are Dominants to know they have crossed a line the submissive did not want--or wasn't prepared--to cross if the submissive did not tell them such a line exists?
2. Is the Dominant or the submissive to blame if such a line is crossed and the submissive somehow harmed?

3. Who is at fault if a submissive has been subjected to a level of pain they are incapable of tolerating, perhaps to a level where the high from play is replaced with the horror of torture when they didn't ask for a time-out or give any other indication that all was not well until they were already freaking out?

4. Should Dominants feel responsibile if the play goes bad and the submissive claims harm, even though the Doms did their best to behave honorably: for example, pausing several times to check on the submissive's mental state and ability to continue, and getting repeated assurances from the submissive that he or she desired to continue?

A Dominant who fully understands and accepts the responsibility of protecting the submissive--and takes it seriously--is probably going to feel some degree of responsibility if the submissive experiences even the least bit of displeasure, no matter the circumstances, and no matter how careful they tried to be to make sure it didn't happen.
But, in my opinion, unless a Dominant deliberately ignores signs of trouble, or by action or deed prevents the submissive from signaling a problem, it is unfair to assign blame to the Dominant. When a problem arises because the submissive failed to be honest about his or her limits or pretended that things were fine when they weren't, the blame for any harm done lies solely with the submissive. By choosing to say nothing, failing to be fully honest, purposely omitting or giving misleading information, the submissive passively instigates his or her own abuse and must accept the brunt of the responsibility for the harmful results.

As far as i am concerned, this hold true in any situation involving a Dominant/submissive interaction-- what that's a single play session, a training or mentoring relationship, or a committed relationship. The Scene has long since progressed beyond the dangerous and misguided notion that submissives have no right to voice concerns or request limits. We are not mindless toys, with such low self-esteem that we feel all we are good for is to be used for whatever by whomever. Any dominant (little d on purpose) or submissive, who actually stills believes those things needs to stop and take the time to learn what this is really about before somebody gets seriously hurt.

What can the Community as a whole do? For one thing, we can stop jumping to the conclusion that the Dominant is always wrong and the submissive always right when a submissive claims to have been either misused or abused. We can stop listening to those who jump in and out of relationships, going from Dominant to Dominant, each time blaming the breakup on the Dominant's inability to understand or treat them properly. We can stop listening to the vicious lies and rumors such submissives often spread in order to cover up their own inadequacy and their failure to provide the level of service and commitment they had promised. I think we need to check out both sides of every story before labeling someone as unsafe or abusive. The abuse may have actually been engineered by the submissive!
The submissives of the community can help by trying to educate those in our ranks, and especially those entering the lifestyle, that we do have a responsibility to take care of ourselves. We also have a responsibility to take care of each other and to help people out of truly abusive situations, stressing that abuse is not something they deserve and that they do not exist for the sole purpose of receiving "punishment". We need to point out the difference between fact and fantasy when we see obvious misinformation being spread in chat rooms and egroups.

Most of all, submissives must realize that knowledgeable, trustworthy Dominants are NOT going to think less of you for being honest with them about your limitations. In fact, they will think more highly of you, especially if you fully explain the reasons behind the limits and keep an open mind to the possibility that some day, under the right circumstances, you might be willing to try and overcome them. Nobody wants a toy that is already broken or in constant need of repair. (And, by the way, it is your responsibility to make sure that you aren't one of the broken ones!)


I guess this mean we have a lot of work to do. Which brings me back to the Labor Day theme. I forgot to mention that the main reason i don't like Labor Day is that from now until Memorial Day wearing white is totally unfashionable. According to the protocols that Sir follows, boys are only permitted to wear white T-shirts, no colors, especially not black which is what Dominants wear: just white. So from now until Memorial Day, i have to keep an eye out for the fashion police.

Oh well! Another responsibility!

http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/harris3rsofbdsm.htm

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Daddy2,

Thank you for sharing that from boy bob. I had the pleasure of being introduced to the world of Leather through The Sanctuary of a Dark Angel, the dungeon that bob and his Master, Master Doug Harris ran in Atlanta.

Theirs was very much a committed, loving M/s relationship and it was a revelation for me. Seeing them in The Sanctuary, which was also their home, walking the walk, living the life, and sharing that with others meant so much to me. I was blessed to have that place, and their friendship, for a few years before bob's untimely passing.

I still miss him.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Daddy2,

Thank you for sharing that from boy bob. I had the pleasure of being introduced to the world of Leather through The Sanctuary of a Dark Angel, the dungeon that bob and his Master, Master Doug Harris ran in Atlanta.

Theirs was very much a committed, loving M/s relationship and it was a revelation for me. Seeing them in The Sanctuary, which was also their home, walking the walk, living the life, and sharing that with others meant so much to me. I was blessed to have that place, and their friendship, for a few years before bob's untimely passing.

I still miss him.

No problem.

There is such a wealth of essays, writings, advice, and knowledge about pretty much every aspect of BDSM out there.

I'm just trying to add a little to the discussion.

 

[Kikori]

Or actually create a discussion as opposed to a self-created "witch hunt".

 

[fuckmeat]

Wow. So completely off base.

I believe in love. Whatever gives you the idea that I don't? What gives you the idea that other posters here don't?

We simply disagree with your idea that "casual BDSM" is unethical.



Bloved, get a grip. NO ONE has any hostility with love or loving someone. The issue is your ONE TRUE WAY mentality. The issue is your refusal to allow others to be *gasps* different. The issue is your absolute disregard for Female Owner/male slave relationships, Male top/male bottom relationships, Female Dominant/female submissive relationships... You completely dismiss anything that isn't Male Dominant/female submissive Long term romantic/love interest oriented.



Quite shocking that you haven't learned, in all these years, to all this exposure, that YOU and your dismissal of all other relationship types, are the issue. The problem is not your idea of loving relationships.



Oh please, if you believe in "True Love" you know damned good and well it isn't a competition, your "True Love" will find you come hell or high water. Your argument belies your actual belief - that you're totally hosed in the race to get chicks. But being the hopeless romantic that you are, you figure the Harlequin Romance approach might still get you a few stragglers who haven't caught on.



Hmmmm... persecution? Disagreement with an idea is persecution?

Bubba, when you get tossed in jail because of what you write, you can claim persecution. When your house is burned down because of the color of your skin, or the faith you follow, or the things you write, you can claim persecution. When you are hunted down and beaten or raped you can claim persecution.

Until then, you are being ridiculed and humiliated, not persecuted.



Of course there is. I disagree with a LOT of people and I can get quite vocal in my disagreements with them, just as they can get vocal in their disagreements with me. I am also civil and stay to the point(s) of contention. I don't call them poo-poo heads even if they resort to name calling and personal attacks.



Jeebus, do you HEAR YOURSELF here? Hellooooo, paging Mr. "Everyone who does casual BDSM is an Abuser or a Victim!" YOU have expressed NO TOLERANCE for anyone that holds a view different from your own. YOU have attacked, libelled, slandered and in general been a PITA to people you don't know from Adam's tomcat in the name of "Love".

You have no "Love" for anyone or anything that doesn't fit in your neat little romantic box. You have an aching need to be "right", to be "validated" and you see anything that disagrees with your point of view regarding "loving BDSM" as some kind of personal affront.

What you have is a clear case of persecution complex.



See? There you go tossing aspersions on the intelligence of those who disagree with you. Since they don't agree, it's obvious that they must be stupid or something. That's called a "personal attack". Wrong answer, wrong tactic.



That is such self serving poppycock. Dude, my way isn't the only way. Hello, I'm a straight Male Dom. I am secure enough in who and what I am, and with what I like, to allow Gay male doms and subs... Female Doms and sub, Transgendered folks, asexual folks, Tops/bottoms, bisexuals of all varieties, swingers, poly folk and pretty much anyone else love who they want to, how they want to, play with committed loving partners, or have one night stands with other, informed, consenting adults, in honest, open situations.



This isn't a "freedom of speech" issue. First off, this is a NOT a government controlled media outlet. No one in the government (in either the US or Canada for that matter) is seeking to stop publication of your material. When you write drivel, a publisher isn't going to invest THEIR money to take a chance on losing their shirt. When the BUYERS vote with their dollars and don't buy, that isn't censorship, that's consumerism. When Siskel and Ebert gave two thumbs down, that wasn't denying a director's freedom of speech, it was saying "the movie sucked."

A lot of people think your stuff sucks. And they say so. Freedom of speech works like that. You get to write what you want. Everyone else who reads it gets to comment on it. If you don't want to get hammered for writing drivel, learn to write better, or stop putting it out there for public viewing and comment.



Again, the issue isn't you writing about "love-based BDSM". The issue is the fact that you BASH, repeatedly, any other approach. If you want tolerance, then by God you better GIVE it.



I support both sanity and diversity. You will have to do a better job of allowing diversity yourself, and stop playing the same broken record over and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, *bump* again if you want to convince anyone of your own sanity.

Just in case old Bloved needs some new specs.

*applauds*

I only wish DLuded had the capacity to take all this on board and change his attitude.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

The last page has been fairly informational...Also EG *applauds loudly*

perfectly stated.

 

[WriterDom]

Just in case old Bloved needs some new specs.

*applauds*

I only wish DLuded had the capacity to take all this on board and change his attitude.

You can't have a sane conversation with a madman no more than you can play chess with my cat. This guy disrupts message boards. That's how he gets his kicks. He'll quote what he wants and ignore the rest. Maybe it's grief from what the second hand smoke might have helped along. I'd tell him to go fuck himself but he probably has ED.

 

[BLoved]

The issue is your ONE TRUE WAY mentality. The issue is your refusal to allow others to be *gasps* different. The issue is your absolute disregard for Female Owner/male slave relationships, Male top/male bottom relationships, Female Dominant/female submissive relationships... You completely dismiss anything that isn't Male Dominant/female submissive Long term romantic/love interest oriented.

Here is my latest response to that accusation:

You believe that your way of handling a relationship is the ultimate superior one to everybody, not just for you.

My way is that of a straight male master.

I do not condemn love-based bdsm relationships between homosexuals, even though homosexuality is not my way.

I do not condemn love-based bdsm relationships where the woman is a mistress and the man a submissive, though that is not my way.

I do not condemn those involved in love-based vanilla relationships, such as my mother's marriage to her third husband.

So how can you claim I believe my way is "the ultimate superior one to everybody"?

I think all of these ways are superior to casual 'bdsm'.

This is not the first time I've addressed this accusation.

 

[Cattypuss]

Here is my latest response to that accusation:



This is not the first time I've addressed this accusation.

You are saying that "Love-based" (as defined by you) relationships are the One True Way.

Geddit?

 

[BLoved]

You are saying that "Love-based" (as defined by you) relationships are the One True Way.

Geddit?

I am saying casual 'bdsm' is emotionally unhealthy.

I recommend love because it is healthy.

 

[WriterDom]

You can take bdsm out of the equation. No one loses a beloved and gets over it after a night's sleep. Unless they have no idea what love is. Or, they made the whole thing up. You choose.

 

[Cattypuss]

I am saying casual 'bdsm' is emotionally unhealthy.

I recommend love because it is healthy.

Dude, the very fact that you feel the need to put inverted commas around the letters BDSM every time you mention them as not love-based (as defined by you) speaks volumes - you are saying that it's not BDSM if it's not love-based (as defined by you) - i.e. you are saying that there's ONE TRUE WAY.

And, while we're at it, WD has a point - who the fuck gets over true love after a good night's sleep? "Love-based" (as defined by you) must look a lot like "casual".

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I am saying casual 'bdsm' is emotionally unhealthy.

I recommend love because it is healthy.

No, you don't.

You recommend "love" because female submissives will be "used" by "abusers" if they get involved in "casual BDSM".

Nothing I've seen you write cautions male submissives. Nothing I've seen you write warns off female Dominants from being used by male submissives. Hell, nothing you've written addresses the male Doms who get hoodwinked and sucked in by emotionally, physically, and financially draining female submissives.

By your definition and description - any "casual" relationship that doesn't involve "love is "unethical".

Again, the BDSM aspect of any relationship, in and of itself, is irrelevant. A BDSM relationship, just like any other relationship is either practiced in an ethical, healthy way, or it is practiced in an unethical, unhealthy way whether the participants are "in love" or not.

Quit harping on BDSM unless you are going to harp on "casual" vanilla sexual relationships. And "casual" business relationships. And "casual" friendship relationships.

It's the PEOPLE, not the activity, that are or are not ethical and/or unhealthy.