"To keep the review thread clean..."

[tungtied2u]

Thank you Ange, RF and unbridled for your comments, although I didn't make the connection. I was just writing about some guy working on a tramp....steamer..

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Thank you, Ange for mentioning my three poems yesterday and to LaBroz for including High Pines today. I'd like to thank all who left comments for me.

 

[EriAliSaa]

Thank you La Broz for the mention in todays review. I have been having some fun with acrostics lately

 

[Tzara]

William Carlos Williams' Plums by tangiblemorsel caught me totally. i wanted to read more than this poet's poem, so i looked up WCW, found his poem this poet refers to and have had a thoroughly enjoyable half hour being sidetracked by WCW poetry and life story. thank you tangiblemorsel! now to comment on your poem. i was expecting brevity (The Red Wheelbarrow style of writing) and so your poem threw me off momentarily. i found it an enjoyable read. i have no hassles with your line breaks, stanza breaks, punctuation or grammar. i think i would like to see a little more poetic language and i'm sorry but i couldn't figure out what a 'Bruegel is. thanks for sharing this poem, i look forward to reading more of your writing.

Thanks, WSO for pointing this one out. I quite liked it. Obviously, I think, a writer of talent.

I think the "Bruegel" referred to in the poem is the painter Pieter Brueghel the Elder (who apparently changed the spelling of his name later in life), about whose paintings WCW wrote Pictures from Brueghel and Other Poems, which was awarded (posthumously, unfortunately) the Pulitzer Prize in Poetry. I particularly love this poem of WCW and the painting that it references:

Landscape with the Fall of Icarus

According to Brueghel
when Icarus fell
it was spring

a farmer was ploughing
his field
the whole pageantry

of the year was
awake tingling
with itself

sweating in the sun
that melted
the wings' wax

unsignificantly
off the coast
there was

a splash quite unnoticed
this was
Icarus drowning​

I think I've referenced this poem before, because it is a kick-ass poem and because Brueghel's picture is not only flat-out wonderful (I got to see the real thing last year when we were in Brussels), but that painting also inspired my absolute favorite W. H. Auden poem:

Musée des Beaux Arts

About suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters: how well they understood
Its human position; how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;
How, when the aged are reverently, passionately waiting
For the miraculous birth, there always must be
Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating
On a pond at the edge of the wood:
They never forgot
That even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course
Anyhow in a corner, some untidy spot
Where the dogs go on with their doggy life and the torturer's horse
Scratches its innocent behind on a tree.
In Breughel's Icarus, for instance: how everything turns away
Quite leisurely from the disaster; the plowman may
Have heard the splash, the forsaken cry,
But for him it was not an important failure; the sun shone
As it had to on the white legs disappearing into the green
Water; and the expensive delicate ship that must have seen
Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky,
Had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on.​

Both of these are fabulous, fabulous poems. And interestingly, somewhat similar in theme. And both make me feel completely fucking incompetent as a poet. Oh, well.

Which is, actually, a potential problem I might mention to tangiblemorsel: In a group picture, if you're a guy (you bio says you're not, so translate to equivalent female iconic figures ), it probably isn't wise to stand between Jude Law and Tom Cruise and try to get by with smiling at the camera. You might want to pick another place to stand.

 

[wildsweetone]

Thanks, WSO for pointing this one out. I quite liked it. Obviously, I think, a writer of talent.

I think the "Bruegel" referred to in the poem is the painter Pieter Brueghel the Elder (who apparently changed the spelling of his name later in life), about whose paintings WCW wrote Pictures from Brueghel and Other Poems, which was awarded (posthumously, unfortunately) the Pulitzer Prize in Poetry. I particularly love this poem of WCW and the painting that it references:

Landscape with the Fall of Icarus

According to Brueghel
when Icarus fell
it was spring

a farmer was ploughing
his field
the whole pageantry

of the year was
awake tingling
with itself

sweating in the sun
that melted
the wings' wax

unsignificantly
off the coast
there was

a splash quite unnoticed
this was
Icarus drowning​

I think I've referenced this poem before, because it is a kick-ass poem and because Brueghel's picture is not only flat-out wonderful (I got to see the real thing last year when we were in Brussels), but that painting also inspired my absolute favorite W. H. Auden poem:

Musée des Beaux Arts

About suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters: how well they understood
Its human position; how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;
How, when the aged are reverently, passionately waiting
For the miraculous birth, there always must be
Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating
On a pond at the edge of the wood:
They never forgot
That even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course
Anyhow in a corner, some untidy spot
Where the dogs go on with their doggy life and the torturer's horse
Scratches its innocent behind on a tree.
In Breughel's Icarus, for instance: how everything turns away
Quite leisurely from the disaster; the plowman may
Have heard the splash, the forsaken cry,
But for him it was not an important failure; the sun shone
As it had to on the white legs disappearing into the green
Water; and the expensive delicate ship that must have seen
Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky,
Had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on.​

Both of these are fabulous, fabulous poems. And interestingly, somewhat similar in theme. And both make me feel completely fucking incompetent as a poet. Oh, well.

Which is, actually, a potential problem I might mention to tangiblemorsel: In a group picture, if you're a guy (you bio says you're not, so translate to equivalent female iconic figures ), it probably isn't wise to stand between Jude Law and Tom Cruise and try to get by with smiling at the camera. You might want to pick another place to stand.

i read your post and followed the links. i should have recognised the name Bruegel, that'll teach me. thank you so much for those two poems! i love them also. i must look up more WCW poems. And Auden too - there is not enough lifetime left for me to read everything i want to read. lol

by the way, no need to feel incompetent. you are a poet.



and thank you for taking the time to post this wonderful info. i appreciate it.

 

[darkerdreamer]

Thanks for both of the mentions yesterday, means a lot coming from two great poets. Cheers.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Thanks to "unapologetic"

Gratitude to you for mentioning me in your review - and y'know what? You're absolutely right: that line in Ishtar 23 needs to go. I remember it was a phase in which I was really fascinated with the erotic aspects of the Song of Solomon, (not the Toni Morrison novel - the actual biblical book) and references like that crept into my work quite a bit. That piece is about 15 years old now and is in a little self-published chapbook I did ages ago, so folks have seen it, but no one has ever noticed that before.

I live in the intellectual boondocks and have a lot of trouble getting other writers' feedback on my work. I'm so very glad I found this site - I believe it will really improve my skills.

thanks again,
bijou

 

[MungoParkIII]

Denise Duhamel: The Woman With Two Vaginas

** ** **

 

[champagne1982]

Okay Ang. I'm going to put a poem up for workshopping in the discussion circle. I'd appreciate some input on it from a few of the forum's hard hitting editors and reviewers.

Don't give me a simple one-liner review. I want some meat tenderizing blows to fall. Change the molecular structure and help me build a beauty! Please.

 

[Angeline]

Okay Ang. I'm going to put a poem up for workshopping in the discussion circle. I'd appreciate some input on it from a few of the forum's hard hitting editors and reviewers.

Don't give me a simple one-liner review. I want some meat tenderizing blows to fall. Change the molecular structure and help me build a beauty! Please.

Carrie you are a doll!

Poets, don't let Carrie and me (or the same few poets) be the only ones in the discussion circle. There's no charge here at Lit, but if you want feedback on your poems, you have to give some. We want new blood. Mmmmm yes, your blood. You!

 

[SoftlyWhisper]

Hesitant but grateful...

A simple thank you is so obviously not enough to give to all of you who have taken the time to read my poetry of late. The comments you have left for me in this thread have lifted my spirits more than you can ever know. I am hesitant to write further for fear of revealing more than I can but suffice it to say that I am eternally grateful to all of you.

Thank you, with all of my heart, for giving me a feeling of worth these past few days.

Sincerely, SoftlyWhisper

 

[darkerdreamer]

Thanks for the mention yesterday, in definite agreement of that piece needing a heavy workshopping. I think that might be the first one I throw into the queue after seeing how wonderful the critique is on that sub-board.

 

[Angeline]

Hey, folkies, also check out this one, a rare submission from today's substitute reviewer. A fun poem that pushes alliteration to, or perhaps past, its reasonable limit. The poet himself admits the poem is not finished, but you gotta love this:

From my bed I see, spy
ship stippled sea, Aye​

That fuckin' rocks, especially when you try to read the damn thing out loud. It's way over the top, of course, but it still rocks.

Welcome back, Mr. R. It's a nice review, as always, too. We (well, at least I) miss them.

I miss him, too. He's good--good poetry and good reviews.

And there are 42 new poems today, May 22. I'll be back, well, sometime.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Hello I am new here and have only just found you .. four of those new poems are mine and I do so hope you can find something in there you like. I write about anything and everything whatever pops into my mind although I muat stop composing them in bed at night because I have forgotten them in the morning .. I have probably posted this in the wrong place so please forgive me if I have.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Gosh thankyou .. but I am a she lol

 

[wildsweetone]

There are 17 new submissions on this third Monday in May, and as I always did, I will start off today with a non-erotic poem from the archives. Today, I did not ‘spin’ for a poem, but rather used my prerogative to pick an early work by Monday’s usual reviewer, a talented poet from New Zealand, even if she is upside down.

Today's Golden Oldie:
This work was posted in September of 2004 by wildsweetone. This poem gives a taste of New Zealand spring and shows the potential for the growth we have seen over the last 2 ½ years as WSO has developed into one of Lit’s most consistently good poets.

i have an urge to hug you and an urge to re-write that poem.

thank you for filling in for me on the reviews. i appreciate your help.

also, i didn't get a chance before, but thank you Jenn too. much appreciated.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Thanks for mentioning this M.LeBroz.

 

[champagne1982]

The time has come! To speak of other things...

I need you to visit my rewritten poem that's under discussion in the PDC sub-forum please. I think I have a more powerful poem after the edits but some other opinions will be appreciated.

Thanks dahlings.

 

[unapologetic]

I hope I'm forgiven for this less than perfect translation. Some of the idioms don't go over as well in English as they do in their native German. Please, someone with a better grip on the language, edit this translation!

Thanks for the help with the translation - my suspicions were confirmed, it's a great poem.

 

[4degrees]

why, thank you, mister christian.

not to be confused with the 80-ish recycled tommy shaw/jack blades/ted nugent 'hit'.

 

[Alegra_Duncan]

never mind/

 

[jessy19]

Hey Thanks for taking the time to read my poetry. I'm not a good poet, never will be but it's nice to have people still read it.

 

[xxbadshychickxx]

thanks...

i know that my spelling is not the best....i have problems....i know this....and i thank you for pointing out when i messed up.

 

[jessy19]

as it is Autumn in my neck of the woods, today's chosen poem is:

In Hardwood Groves
by Robert Frost

The same leaves over and over again!
They fall from giving shade above,
To make one texture of faded brown
And fit the earth like a leather glove.

Before the leaves can mount again
To fill the trees with another shade,
They must go down past things coming up.
They must go down into the dark decayed.

They must be pierced by flowers and put
Beneath the feet of dancing flowers.
However it is in some other world
I know that this is the way in ours.







=========================================================

this review contains some constructive criticism that is intended to help some poets with their writing. there is a limitation on the use of smilies in posts on Literotica and therefore i am unable to include what i would like. my intention is to encourage and help by giving suggestions to poets.



15 new poems up today.

five illustrated poems
never again by relatively new poet xxbadshychickxx. i like the illustration for this, it fits well. there are a couple of spelling errors i'd look at fixing and one that trips me up 'though' does fit without the 't'.


Pall Malls and Smoking Questions by Jamison . i love the colours, the illustration with this poem. i admit to not understanding 'when his disease kills' and would love for someone to explain it to me. don't forget to sign your art.

Trussed by MungoParkIII . very nice illustration and well placed words. i question the use of the word 'galvanised' as to me the trusses all look wooden. do they use galvanised nails on the trusses? but i do like the other meaning you've given it here. i think 'perlin' should be 'purlin'. i like the extended metaphor. well done.

brilliance by 4degrees . nice illustration. words are easy to read. two things i'd suggest for possible improvement. are the words 'utter' and 'for' necessary? and maybe i'm not reading it right but the last word seems not to have as much impact as i would like. like i said, it's probably me not reading it right.

Tincture today's second illustrated poem by MungoParkIII. interesting illustration and poem. the words and illustration are both clear and easy on the eye. i'm not sure about flesh being pink and then blue, or do you mean the eyes are blue? [line 4] (the illustration shows no blue) i think the words in this submission could be tightened. it leaves a lot to the imagination.

4 erotic poems
The Cock a first poetry submission by Deckard Kincaid. six lines to this poem. each line a complete sentence. i'd change 'cums' in the first line to 'comes' (i'd debate about the 'from which all life cums' phrase too, but won't here). would line 2 have more impact if the 'much, much' were left out? i quite like the last line ending in 'be' - but then i'm quirky like that.

Watch Me Undress first poetry submission by emilyrose. true to the title this poem delivers an undressing. the grammar and punctuation are correct (though i question the need for initial line capitals, as i always question them). the repetition of the single line is interesting. however, apart from the repetition and the initial line capitals, i don't feel like i've been swathed in poetry with this poem. i'd like to see sexiness in the word usage, i'd like the poet to tease me with the words. what poetic techniques can be used to turn this undressing into something that blows me, the reader, away? as i see it, this poem could be presented as prose. i think this poem has a great draft basis and with editing and turning phrases into poetic daggers, could be stunning.

Nice Though by jessy19 . this poem uses rhyme in an interesting mix. i quite like it (and i rarely say that about rhymes!) i'm unsure if the title is a typo or on purpose. as in another poem on today's submission list, it just happens to work okay. in this poem i would also like to see more poetic language used.

The Lash a first poetry submission by Shay73. nice to see some interesting language here. i find the capital 'H' to be distracting. i wonder if there is another, less intrusive, way of informing the reader that He is the Dom and she is not. and the inconsistent punctuation is a little distracting also - try putting the correct punctuation in and see if it reads smoother. i think the words used in this poem could be further enhanced to add more to the tale, great beginning.

6 non-erotic poems
Tower Blocks by UnderYourSpell. a light humourous poem with rhyme that works well.

Now I Debate by Ds Padawan i think to improve this poem i would suggest to the poet to try not to force the line lengths or rhyme i.e. 'Why so hard was my heart shoved?' it sounds a little 'odd' rather than poetic, in my opinion.

Sorry (a suicide poem) the second submission today by Jessy19. i wonder how this poem could stand without the words (a suicide poem). i have a feeling it could work and work well. i like the rhyme but on first reading found the rhythm not so easy to read. i think the last two lines have great impact.

third submission by Jessy19 Empty . a short poem that carries mood. is there another noun that could be used to replace the word 'heart'? that last line sounds a little cliche to me.


second submission by UnderYourSpell, The Stalker. another shortish succinct poem from this poet. to improve i'd ask, do you need the initial line capitals? i found the 'Too' in this line 'Too close, too close' to be distracting.

Lifeline by tungtied2u . i love the last stanza. stanza 3 'felts' needs fixing. and to improve i'd suggest to the poet to add in all punctuation. having a few commas near the beginning seems to lead me to think there will be sentence ends and i seem to use punctuation a lot to guide my reading. when there is a mixture, i find it less smooth to read.


Please note that these are my opinions on poems. It is up to you as a reader and/or writer to form your own. Go read, go comment and keep writing!

My poem was supposed to be titled "Nice Thought." I guess I forgot the "t" but glad you all enjoyed it along with my suicide poem. I had to put "suicide poem" next to it because some might not have gotten the meaning behind it or interpreted it as a break up poem.

 

[normal jean]

Thank you, Tristesse and Chris for mentioning my poem and for the very kind praise.

and thanks, WickedEve, for your suggestions about that one line. I know it isnt just right and i am working on it.

hugs

NJ