"To keep the review thread clean..."

[RhymeFairy]

my first reply :

Originally Posted by RhymeFairy
Thank you for the mention, lol.

I know it's a bit mixed but it was intentional. I have/had been playing with my thesaurus again and I shook the whole poem up.

I started out with the ole hum drum I've been playing at and after finishing it, I loved it. I was trying not to tell but use the stroke of the brush to hint at ... the never ending cycle of my milky way ..., so to speak, lol. Again, I shall hint to let you figure it out, if not, I promise to reveal ....

Here is the mea culpa entry :


Main Entry: mea culpa

Part of Speech: noun/interjection

Definition: guilt acknowledgment
Synonyms: acknowledgment of error, confession, my fault, penance, repentance



Main Entry: apology

Part of Speech: noun

Definition: regret

Synonyms: acknowledgment, admission, amends, atonement, concession, confession, defense, excuse, explanation, extenuation, justification, mea culpa, mitigation, plea, redress, reparation, vindication


Antonyms: blame, condemnation, reprehension


Hope this helped ...

RF i decided to write my reply to your PM here because i'd like to know if i'm on the right track with my thoughts and perhaps an experienced poet could either confirm my thoughts or point me in a better direction as i'm still learning this stuff too.

i'm guessing that you're riding on metaphor for sex, am i right? that's what i thought yesterday when i first read Milky Way Meltdown.

so... i'm guessing that the words 'mea culpa' are used instead of the word 'guiltily'?

i think my difficulty is that there are so many differing concrete objects and they don't seem to tie in together very well.

i.e. you use the words 'cycling' and 'rim' which can both be image-connected with bicycle but then they're not used again, no extended metaphor carried on. their use here under a title that relates to outer space, seems odd on a face value basis.

'milky way', 'world', 'edge', 'orbit', all relate to outer space, but then you add in 'beach bomb' and 'plutonium' which don't relate to the outer space theme.

i think there are too many mixed metaphors within these sixteen lines. the strengths of the concrete images seem to be fighting against each other for who is the most important and consequently the clarity of your message is coming across mixed.

like i said, i think i'm on the right track, but would like confirmation from someone more experienced than i am... confirmation or correcting, please.

When one says Milky Way, what's first to your mind?

Galaxy ? Candy bar ? Both ... ? Why not both then.
That aside, we mix in an added incentive, a guilty pleasure .


Look at the candy bar as a whole galaxy of sin, a guilty pleasure then go, from there ~~


Then there is :


Main Entry: plu·to·ni·um
Pronunciation: plü-'tO-nE-&m
Function: noun

: a radioactive metallic element similar chemically to uranium that is formed as the isotope 239 by decay of neptunium and found in minute quantities in pitchblende, that undergoes slow disintegration with the emission of an alpha particle to form uranium 235, and that is fissionable with slow neutrons to yield atomic energy —

and ...

1. a bomb whose potency is derived from nuclear fission of atoms of fissionable material with the consequent conversion of part of their mass into energy.
2. a bomb whose explosive force comes from a chain reaction based on nuclear fission in U-235 or plutonium.


They connect the picture of emissions, fission, energy, ...


I added cycling and rim, in a totally sexual role playing nature.


I sincerely hope I have helped. I too hate it when I cannot grasp a poem and read it, to my way of thinking. One must wrap their mind around and play a bit and sometimes I just don't feel like playing at that moment, so THEN I put it away, for a later day ...


jus me ~~

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Thank you Angeline, for the mention.

 

[Guest]

..........

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I have a question

Probably a very foolish question but I am blonde and allowed (it's in the contract) I am going on my hols in three weeks and I shut down my email or I would come back to hundreds of jokes, lucky angels and quiz invites. Soooo that also means my subscribed threads don't get through either, now I presume when I return I have to come back and find you all again. The question really is because the emails can't get through I won't be penalised or anything will I? I only ask because some groups I belong to bump you off the sending list if the mails can't get through.

 

[ShyErraticTable]

My thanks to vdust and to foehn
And Senna Jawa and sweet ghost
For each, your comments on my poem.
(I know that doesn't rhyme.) I'd boast

Your clever compliments. At least
I'd buy you alcoholic drinks
And toast y'all and be, like, beast-
Ialically content, methinks.

I thank you anyway, and sync.

 

[bogusbrig]

Thanks v'piredust for mentioning my poem and thanks feohn and Syndrs Lyn for your comments.

 

[foehn2]

Belated thanks to ghost_girl, champagne, and Le Broz for mentioning my pieces in NPR. I forget to come read this thread, besides not having time for everything, and getting caught up by other distractions.

Champagne, very sorry to hear about the experience with your family member. I can only pray that healing will bring blessings in double measure, somehow.

For An Amputee

Now that my absence has imposed
an indelible presence,
we can see that we are much more
than the sum of all our parts.
We are each separate,
unique in the way
we complete the whole
and yet, the whole
is no less than I can make it
through the negative
impression of my shadow;
an imprint;
a space; where once there lay
a part to hold it all together.

This poem you wrote reminded me of another poem. We are more than only that which we carry around with us, but it is so difficult to understand and feel, sometimes. I felt that your poem and this one come close to giving us glimpses:


Keeping Things Whole


In a field
I am the absence
of field.
This is
always the case.
Wherever I am
I am what is missing.

When I walk
I part the air
and always
the air moves in
to fill the spaces
where my body's been.

We all have reasons
for moving.
I move
to keep things whole.

-- Mark Strand

 

[4degrees]

hey there wso, thank you much for commenting on my poem about ...whatever it was about. you decide. i'm not sure.
poetry in motion, it was.

 

[ShyErraticTable]

I wrote a clumsy villanelle,
'Twas singled out by Angeline.
Got comment from UnderYourSpell
And one from lovely normal jean.

Merci beaucoup, ladies. I appreciate the feedback.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Sestinas ... help!

I want to ask about Sestinas, I have looked it up and I get the repeated words bit in the stanzas and how they need to be repeated in the envoi but is there any rule as to how many actual stanzas there are? It does look like fun to try or failing that drive me completely mad. I go away next week and am supposed to be packing but I would love to give it a go. So please all you clever ones out there can you give me any tips?

 

[champagne1982]

I want to ask about Sestinas, I have looked it up and I get the repeated words bit in the stanzas and how they need to be repeated in the envoi but is there any rule as to how many actual stanzas there are? It does look like fun to try or failing that drive me completely mad. I go away next week and am supposed to be packing but I would love to give it a go. So please all you clever ones out there can you give me any tips?

Check out this page Guide to Verse Forms and there are a few threads on this very forum in which the formula is discussed. TheFool has admitted to actual use of a spreadsheet to keep track of his end words, and he has some clever sestinas under his belt. This thread Sestina Challenge is an excellent resource.

Good luck with that sestina thing.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Thankyou for that I have made a start and have the first two stanzas down and am now counting like mad! I just wish I knew more poetic words! It was the challenge that got me looking and wondering.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Good grief what have I got myself into here? Think I need to dredge out a few unused brain cells and I can see how a lot more preparation needs to go into this apart from just writing and I didn't realise the envoi needs to be written first ... eeek how can I write it first when I don't know where it's going yet?

 

[champagne1982]

Thankyou for that I have made a start and have the first two stanzas down and am now counting like mad! I just wish I knew more poetic words! It was the challenge that got me looking and wondering.

This is Tfoolio's Excel technique for sestina-ing.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Gosh this is fun!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I've done it ! Probably a complete hash but I did it! Now I will have to go over it all and groan at it then wonder what on earth to do with it lol

 

[ghost_girl]

I've done it ! Probably a complete hash but I did it! Now I will have to go over it all and groan at it then wonder what on earth to do with it lol

well, you post it for us to read and enjoy. No one is gonna be mean, and if they are? I will put on my Wonder Woman suit and smack them up.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Go on do your worst lol

If all the world ate only berries red
surely trees would multiply not fall,
increasing forests striding to horizons
further than the naked eye could see.
Shading deserts, purple blossoms deep,
autumn leaves a hazard where they lie.

The bed where now my love does lie
feasts upon sweet cherries rosy red,
cares not that I lie in sleep so deep,
in dreamland where all must fall
and in those very dreams can see
far, far beyond waking horizons.


I see therein far stretching horizons
Tree upon tree under which I lie,
if only you were here my love to see
colours of the leaves orange also red,
to take you in my arms and gently fall
into your eyes, your smile, taken deep.

As only you know how I like it deep
spreading me showing new horizons.
your golden angel taught to fall,
all before had never had me lie
till all about me glistens silken red
and glory of my master all I see.


But wake I must for only I can see
how far I've travelled and how deep,
the forests of the night send us red
warnings, and encroaching horizons
darkened now where we did often lie
will drown us in the leaves of fall.

Cherries alone will make men fall
from the tree of life then to see
how many seeds were left to lie,
buried to grow in loam so deep.
As your seed opens my horizons
and my whole self glows ever red.


So men that fall into maidens deep
cannot see now open far horizons
lie, feast on grapes, green not red.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Well a scathing comment would have been better than none .... I was so proud of my new baby and now nobody wants to bounce it on their knee

 

[bogusbrig]

Thanks everyone, ghostgirl, Wickedeve, 1201, Bill Dada, Rainman for the plaudits. I'm a little overwhelmed. I really felt insecure about posting From The Men's Room, I couldn't decide whether it was good or a total load of rubbish. I feel a little relieved that people saw beneath the surface.

I'm taking all my poems down because I want to start again and try something new. New for me anyway.

Thanks again.

 

[twelveoone]

Thanks everyone, ghostgirl, Wickedeve, 1201, Bill Dada, Rainman for the plaudits. I'm a little overwhelmed. I really felt insecure about posting From The Men's Room, I couldn't decide whether it was good or a total load of rubbish. I feel a little relieved that people saw beneath the surface.

I'm taking all my poems down because I want to start again and try something new. New for me anyway.

Thanks again.

It is a total load of rubbish, probably wrote when you were relieving yourself.

Bog, whatever you do, Good Luck with it. I think there may have been four or five here, that I have said "I wish I had wrote that", if I didn't say it publicly to you, I do now. Humbly, I have been a fan of your writing.

I hope this "new" doesn't involve frocks and sonnets, hey, maybe that's not a bad idea.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Thank you for the mention, wildsweetone.

I submitted an edit to " Lullaby ad libitum" yesterday morning. (It hasn't posted yet) It was one of those situations where I knew I should have put it away, for at least 24 hours to marinade. But no . . . just had to post it.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Thankyou so much Wildsweetone for mentioning my first try at a sestina once I got into it I did enjoy doing it. I had a good look at how TheFool does his spreadsheet altho I must admit that altho I didn't have quite his commitment I did write things down before hand or I would have got completely lost. I.e the number of the stanza then the line ending numbers and then where the words had to go and finally which words had to go on each line of the envoi. I think I would have found it impossible without some sort of guidelines written down infront of me!

 

[RhymeFairy]

Thank you VampireDust for the sexy mention on my poem " Naughty Poetry Challenge " .... I had a few remarks here on the threads and I wasn't quiet sure if we were supposed to submit as a thread only deal or go for the roll with the submissions page.

I truly enjoyed writing that. I think some habits are hard to break and a bit of repetition seems to stalk some of my writes, so I go with it and try to go back to see if I can step away from my norm. Sometimes that works and other times it just comes across as same ole stuff, to me that is. Hoping to get outta that rut ... I am trying, lol. Again, Thank You for the mention. Everyone enjoys a lil "heads-up"





Sweets .... Thank you tooo for the mention and the critique of my new poem " Soul Mates ". I agree with you on every word. I had submitted that one from the heart and didn't really edit a whole lot. That, was my fault and like others here I felt a big goof, after I hit submit. Thanks again,

Thanks for keeping it solid and Rock on Sweet lady ....

 

[bogusbrig]

Thanks for the mention WSO, Bill, leBroz.

Oh and thanks to my personal troll. You really do have commitment but is you life really so sad?