"To keep the review thread clean..."

[corndog_]

Please tell me when my poetry sucks, otherwise how will I ever learn?

But you do even that well!

 

[njoyjade]

I don't think I've come across a poetry day with so many rhymes in all my days on Lit. In fact, each and every poem today rhymes. In all, the rhymes are a bit weak, metres are off and I wasn't particularly moved emotionally or intellectually by any of them. While no single poem stands out for me today, I believe each of these poets has potential and encourage them all to keep creating and experimenting. I'd like to see more from all of them, and I'd like to see better from all of them.

It would be easy to write that I don't personally recommend any of these poems, but in light of the above I doubt that would be very encouraging. Also, I volunteered to read and recommend poems in order to encourage, not dissuade, and for today at least, I recommend some thoughts to each of today's poets.

Exakta66 offers four poems, and two of them (I Want My Poetry... and I Had A Dream) come added with 'notes' telling us when, where and for what theme these poems have been previously published. I have nothing against the pride a poet likes to take in a creation, but I find that notes like these manipulate a reader into a particular way of thinking about the poem before they've had a chance to read it, feel it, interpret it, and ultimately come to their own conclusion about it. I suggest just not doing this unless to thank a particular editor, or inform readers that a poem is part of a Lit series or challenge that can be found, well, on Literotica, of course.

The start of the first of the above-mentioned poems is presented:
-------"I Want My Poetry...
-------To be far more than just a rhyme,
-------An idle way to pass the time,"
I couldn't get these first two lines out of my head for the rest of my reading and my thought was singular... if the poet wants it to be more than a rhyme, then why not make it so? I thought this poem had a lot of potential. He lists everything that he wants his poem to be, but ultimately I'd like to see him take his own advice.

Arrested By The Grammar Police was by far the best of Exakta66's poems. It was humorous and it revolved around a subject I think we can all relate to, but like an episode of 'Family Guy' the joke gets carried a little too long. I bet this poem could be pared down to a nice, tight, funny limerick. The only line that I felt held any poetic charge for the four I read was from the above poem:
-------"If I want to write that the sky is blew."

elphaba69 delivers a little piece of Desire (apparently, it's the 128th poem with that title submitted to Literotica). The poem is more than a bit disjointed. There is a rhyming scheme that seems consistent, until it doesn't. I always love an attempt at erotic poetry, but this feels more romantic than erotic. Rather than be told what is happening throughout, I'd like to experience it. What is desire? I never get a sense of it here. The poem ends with:
-------"Those are exactly the words I want to hear."
This is the best line in the poem and it's something I think should have been repeated throughout, not just the words, but in all aspects of sensual 'desire'.

Devilstallion's Feast Day is all about feasting on pussy... at first. This erotic poem begins straight forward enough and then suddenly diverges into a tale of semen and Seamen. I get it. I get the metaphor. I think we all do. While I get that the poet wants to make a feast out of pussy, cock, and sperm, what I want the poet to do is either choose one or at least weave all of them with a stronger metaphor. In this poem I do like the image of sacrificial sperm, but I don't think it plays well with a 'yielding pussy'.

Njoyjade has a poem called Over Me. I'm not sure that I can explain exactly why I believe this is the best of the poems today because it's not really a great poem. Still, it has been submitted as an erotic poem and when I read it as such, and read it again, I can't help but think this is one of the most subtle, but best BDSM poems I've ever read on Lit. BDSM is about ritual in a lot of scenarios and what I get here is both ritual and repetition. I think I'd like stronger, more emotionally charged and concrete images and I'd rather end it cyclically than just end it, but not bad.

Thank you for the positive feedback and for reading it again. I wish I'd read your advice before yesterday, but will be useful information for future submissions.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Thanks, Tzara, for the mention of "The Last Days of de Sade" in NPR, and thanks to you and Sweet Oblivion for your comments on the poem's page.

 

[bogusagain]

Thanks for the mention Pandora, though you might have forgotten by now. I'm in the middle of a computer crisis, two dead in a week and now on an old lap top I had to dust down.

Thanks for the comment Tzara. It does seem at times that at our age, all we have to look forward to is remembrance.

 

[CharleyH]

Thank you for the positive feedback and for reading it again. I wish I'd read your advice before yesterday, but will be useful information for future submissions.

I didn't say much.

 

[Neonurotic]

Tzara¸ tazz317, greenmountaineer, bogusagain, thanks for your comments for my poem "Moab" and Tzara for commenting on " Heart-Shaped, Dripping with Honey". All your suggestions are right and considered.

P.S. Since you mentioned in Public Comments, Tz, I will be 35 this Sunday. However the mood was for that poem, right about now, I have no energy to do anything other then melt on the sofa.

 

[live4passion]

contra diciton

Thank you for taking the time to read and mention Bronzeage, though, I do feel compelled to point out...

there is only one metaphor
in the piece

 

[Neonurotic]

Thank you for taking the time to read and mention Bronzeage, though, I do feel compelled to point out...

there is only one metaphor
in the piece

You may have intended 1, but I counted 4 and so I'm in agreement with Bronze's assessment.

 

[live4passion]

stick to your guns

Nope, just one.
We perceive things differently. And I won't patronize with explanation.

You stick to your guns, I'll do the same.

 

[bronzeage]

Nope, just one.
We perceive things differently. And I won't patronize with explanation.

You stick to your guns, I'll do the same.

If you only see one metaphor, then you chambered a round and think the clip is empty.

 

[live4passion]

If you see metaphor where none is intended then what is being quite literally described.. is simply outside your realm of experience.

And that is not an insult.

or a metaphor.
Lighten up dude

 

[bronzeage]

If you see metaphor where none is intended then what is being quite literally described.. is simply outside your realm of experience.

And that is not an insult.

or a metaphor.
Lighten up dude

I've been at this much too long to be insulted by a poem, or a poet.

Whether you intended a metaphor or not, you used them in your poem. You did not sail to the edge of the earth. There were no claws, deep scores, or Leviathans, unchained or otherwise. The closest this piece come to a literal description is in the last line, "In fact I am lost for words"

 

[live4passion]

Well, for the sake of argument, when you line it all up like that? I would say it looks Remarkably coherent. A global metaphor? (and that's singular) Do I really have to connect those dots?

Something obviously went lost in translation, (besides the author of course) and I think ultimately it is matter of perspective. Whether one chooses to read poetry with a microscope, or, prefers to step back and try to fathom The View. And there between are two distinctly different kinds of depth at play. Not to say that depth, one way or the other, can be commonly understood or appreciated. Differences in perspective. Experience.

You claim far too much. I claim far too little.

And No doubt we can say that between us we share not much common ground when it comes to Perspective. On the one hand, with such vehemence, There is no... !!!
While on the other hand, in a whisper

But of Course there is... the world Isn't round.


You do a commendable service. I think we can probably agree on that.
~ P

 

[bogusagain]

Thanks for the mention of my poems Neon and thanks for the comments Tzara. I think you are right, the second poem is lacking somewhat.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Thanks, Tzara, for the mention of "A Curtal Sonnet for Frank O'Hara" in NPR, and thanks for your taking the time to comment on the poem's web page as well as to you, Dora and Tass317.

I'd like to think O'Hara, who probaby wrote his one and only sonnet in parochial school, might have chuckled at one dedicated to him while at the same time appreciating its more serious theme.

 

[LexiRoseLexi]

Thanks and request for help

The pain of choices by LexiRoseLexi

This is a piece about lover's remorse, which contemplates whether it would have been better to have never loved at all. The short line length and triplet form make an awkward read. There are several good internal rhymes which would benefit from being in the same line.

QUOTE]

Thanks for the recommendation Bronzeage, when writing the poem I found it flowed quite lyrically, reading it back after seeing your advice I now think perhaps each triplet should be read as one line as that was how I was reading it in my head, the reason I broke it up as I did was that I wanted to emphasise certain words and feelings but I think that just made it come across as shattered.

Perhaps some nice person with experience and knowledge could give me some advice on how to improve?

Also, the last triplet refers to "endings" and I've uploaded two such possible endings making this a series (so to speak). The problem is the "endings" are in a completely different style and I wonder if maybe they would be better apart, or written in a similar style to match.

Would it be helpful if I posted one ending on here as an example?

Thanks in advance x

 

[njoyjade]

Thank you

QUOTE=bronzeage;41187608][.

Gambler Who Lost by njoyjade

This is an interesting piece about a woman scorned, or at least treated less than fairly. The point comes across, but imagery and metaphor suffer for the strained rhymes.

I was reluctant to post this one. I wrote it when I was sixteen years old and thought "everything" had to rhyme. ( still working on that )
I changed a few words and took the risk, so I'm glad you found it interesting.
My intention was to leave the reader wondering who got the dagger.

I certainly appreciate your comments, any advice is welcome.

 

[oggbashan]

Thank you Tzara, for the mention of my poem The Hairs On Her Arm and the useful comment.

It was an experiment for me. I usually try to rhyme. Perhaps I should have tried another edit or two, but I appreciate that my slight poem was noticed.

I think that the review thread is an example of Literotica at its best because the reviewers try to be objective even with poems they find obscure, difficult or just bad. I couldn't do as well as the reviewers, perhaps because I have always had difficulty appreciating poetry that dispenses with rhyme, metre, form and any kind of structure.

 

[Scotsman69]

Thank you

For giving my wee poem a mention. It's the first I've written in over forty years. The words just came out, and had to be written.

Scotsman69

Good morning, everyone. Friday, Friday, Friday and Dr. Z is here to read and comment and pick and prate. There are fifteen new poems today. Let's do a little reading, shall we?

• First up is first depressions haiku set by seannelson. I do not comment on this poet, but probably would like it if you did.

• The prolific demure101 posts four new poems today, some rhymed, some not. Surf on the Reef is a short, rhymed word-picture that works pretty well, though the second stanza seems a bit awkward to me metrically. Figs is a rarity for Lit—a subtle erotic poem. Very appealing and well worth the read. Another short poem, Acrimony ended up being a bit convoluted in exposition for me, but perhaps I just wasn't focused enough when I read it. Finally, Rift is a good little poem about estrangement of affection, with some nice imagery. As usual, pretty much everything demure101 writes is at least worth a look, as he writes with care and conviction.

• There are two poems posted today by njoyjade—one categorized as erotic, one as non-erotic. The former, Hero of the Night confused me at first
  Lying next to you I stiffen as the shadow of the flame centers on the face of Storm
  Her watchful eyes aglow from the poster that hangs on your wall
  You had me last night, bound and tied​
  with the switch from "you/me" to "her" until I realized that "the face of Storm" was not metaphor but Storm's face. A pretty typical bondage themed Lit poem, otherwise, earnest but ordinary.
  
  Fair Chance is a longish poem about a failed (or at least failing) relationship that starts with an extended metaphor of a Ferris wheel, but then lapses into cliché ("wolf in sheep's clothing"). OK, but could have been better.

• Long-time Literotican oggbashan is reminiscing about an earlier love in The Hairs On Her Arm. The poem has some interesting detail but reading it, I wished it was a little more interesting sonically. Worth a read, though.

• New poet Swanswart posts three very different poems united thematically by the poet's flamboyant verbal style. Terrestrialoglogy seems almost stream of consciousness in structure, with a lot of polysyllabic words and neologisms (abandominiums, crackopolis). I found it hard to follow, but you may not. Virgin in Dali adds a hyperactive visual style to the mix, but also loses me in its various wanderings. Finally, Oneiric Pieces of Pisces, while still quite linguistically playful, tones things down a bit from the fever pitch of the other two, resulting in a rather silly (I mean that in a good way) erotic poem, that I quite enjoyed. All-in-all, Swanswart's poems are worth a look—for their aggressive difference from most of what shows up here, if nothing else.

• Another new poet, TheDoxen posts an erotic poem, Hunger typical of the genre at Lit.

• Scotsman69, prolific Lit story author, posts his first poem: Empty. Aphoristic, and only eight words, so I'll just let you read it yourself.

• Mother/son incest poem specialist gimmeurz has two new pieces today. You can find them by following the link at the top of this post if you're interested.

Well, that's enough bruising of egos for this week. Have a great weekend, all.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Thanks to Tristesse2 for mentioning "School Detention with Sister B" and thanks to Tzara, Tass317, and live4passion for their comments.

 

[njoyjade]

Poetry Feedback & Discussion

Thank you PandoraGlitters for mentioning my poem.

I appreciate your feedback.

 

[njoyjade]

Thank you Tzara for noting all three poems yesterday as interesting.

I also give a big thank you for filling in on a Monday when the other reviewer, I mean recommender, had other obligations.
You Rock Sir!

Sincerely,
Jade

 

[CharleyH]

Just a mention that I will not be around next week for Sunday recommendations. Have a fantastic week, everyone!

 

[LexiRoseLexi]

No poems on Friday, too many poems on Saturday, and it's now Sunday 23:23 before I finally get to read the recommendations.

Although I have to agree, I found rufriderspoems a bit too 'in your face' for me.

I'm like a hopeless art critic. I know what I like and what I don't like. I rely on Tzara, pandora and the like to pinpoint it (so that I can avoid it myself). Without you guys I'm lost in a sea of words.

Also feeling like I need to read more outside poetry. Studied Carole-Ann Duffy at school and always been a fan of Kipling and Service but a lot of what I read is anthologies and I don't pay attention to author. Two poems I can't find:
I must go down to the sea again
And one about a field of daffodils
They were in my child's anthology and I haven't seen them since
Also the 'counterpane' poem which makes me think of a sick child playing alone in bed?

 

[Tzara]

Two poems I can't find:
I must go down to the sea again
And one about a field of daffodils
They were in my child's anthology and I haven't seen them since?

The former is probably "Sea Fever" by John Masefield and the latter "The Daffodils" by William Wordsworth.

Also the 'counterpane' poem which makes me think of a sick child playing alone in bed?

"The Land of Counterpane" by Robert Louis Stevenson, I would guess.