hot tub and dirty jokes......

[JennyOmanHill]

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks,
"What's this?"

"A horsey," one child answers.

"And this?" the teacher asks.

"A piggy," replies another youngster.

"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.

There was no answer, only total silence.

"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint.
What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"

"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl.

"It's a horny bastard!"

 

[stargirl32]

more nun jokes ,

Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're
accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?"
Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior."
Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"
Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."
Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?"
Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than
he with his pants down."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was Friday,and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to
ask for the weekend off.They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally
the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he
said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what
you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and
says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you
do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at
heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the
holy water."The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly
under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says,"Forgive me , Father, for I
have sinned." The priest replies,"OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving
my brother's car down the street in front of his house,and I hit a neighbors
dog and killed it."The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By
this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last
night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for
a full five minutes before responding,"God forgives you. Go and drink the holy
water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears
run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

 

[stargirl32]

nun quite like these jokes * groan*

The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once,
seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about
the church, and in particular, nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say,
about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about
three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
"I'm sure."
"Okay."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why.
So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.
Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy
fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....

 

[shagnasty]

Re: nun quite like these jokes * groan*

The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once,
seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about
the church, and in particular, nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say,
about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about
three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
"I'm sure."
"Okay."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why.
So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.
Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy
fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....

laughing.......that's funny Star

 

[shagnasty]

A shipwreck in the South Pacific has only three survivors who wash ashore on an island inhabited by cannibals.
One is Frenchman. One is an Englishman. One is a New Yorker.

They are quickly captured by the natives and brought to the village where the tribal elders announce that the foreigners will be eaten for dinner and their skins will be used to build a new canoe for the warriors.

As the Frenchman is dragged away kicking and screaming, he yells, "Viva La France!"

As the Englishman is dragged away scratching and clawing, he screams, "God Save The Queen!"

As the New Yorker is dragged away, he pulls out a switchblade and stabs himself repeatedly... shouting, "Screw Your Canoe!"

 

[tnguy04]

Little Old Ladies

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put
the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then
went to the check out counter where she told the
check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we
cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have
a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and
the management wants proof that you are buying the
cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and
brought it back to the store.
One Cat

|\_.._/|
| o o |
(=T=)
.^'-^-'^.
'. ; .'
| | | | |
((_((|))_))

They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought
12 of the most expensive dog cookies-one for each day of
Christmas.

The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had
a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her
dog.
One Doggie
__----_
/##| \
/###| | \___ O
|####| \
|####| /
\####/ _____/
\### /
=====
/ \
| |_ \
\___/ |
==\ /
_| |_ |__

She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the
hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the
box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the
box and pulled it out. She told the little old lady,
"That smells like crap."

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I
please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"


MORAL: Never piss off a little old lady.

 

[DragonEyes]

Haven't had a chance to read all the jokes yet but thought this one was cute - hope it's a new one for you

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing
wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me
terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I
went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize
that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside." "I had
to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I
got a speeding ticket. When I was about three blocks from the store,
I got a flat tire. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of
people waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and, all
the time, the damn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued,
"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register
drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got
down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was
still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash
drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of
perfume bottles on it. . . . all of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally
got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a
rectal thermometer. . . . "

"and believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

 

[DragonEyes]

Who says sports personalities are dumb?

~Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I
want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all
the kids to copulate me."

~New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the
upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever
comes first."

~Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody
in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."

~Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm
going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

~Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of
three, then line up in a circle."

~Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with
promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?
He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

~Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps
a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget
how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

~Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during
his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs
that we went to."

~Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at
every level, except college and pro."

~Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27
record in 1992: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As
general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

~Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints general manager, when asked after a
loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on
lousy, no good officiating."

~Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told
him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said,
'Coach,I don't know and I don't care.'

~Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

~Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he
told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me
like you're spending too much time on one subject."

~Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he
takes his wife on all road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she
is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."


I rest my case

 

[Magnolia]

Two old men were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were
running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one man turned to the
other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell
asleep!" The other man turned to him and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"


OKKKKKK laughing ........I got this and thought it was funny... smile Waving heyyyyyy ya'll Magnolia

 

[Magnolia]

Two blondes, Trisha and Robin decided to rob a bank together.
The first blonde, Trisha plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Robin, in great detail.

The robbery begins. Trisha drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Robin, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said Robin.

Robin goes in the bank while Trisha waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . .

Two minutes pass . . .

Seven minutes pass . . . and Trisha is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Robin. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the gals are getting away, Trisha says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

Robin said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Trish. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"




Stomping foot... I AM NOT BLONDE.. I AM NOT BLONDE... Oh well at least we are suppose to have more fun... SMILEEEEE
Magnolia


_________________________________________________________________

 

[Magnolia]

An arm less man walked into a bar which was empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is the rest room?"

The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."


smile OHHHh well....... laughing..... Magnolia

 

[GrittyRingo]

So anyway...A dyslexic man walks into a rab...

 

[tnguy04]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower,
"Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he
owes me?"

 

[rosylady]

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. "Jerves," she said, "take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jerves," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jerves," she then said, "remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

 

[rosylady]

A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"

"Sure. What size are you?"

"I don't know," he replies.

"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"

The cashier replies, "Sure. What size do you need?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Allow me to check for you," she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, "Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Some time later, a fifteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?"

"Yep," she says. "What size do you need?"

"I don't know," he says nervously.

"Allow me to check for you," she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, "Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter."

 

[Kat-44]

lmao, all good ones.thanks

 

[rosylady]

Kinds Of Sex

There are five kinds of sex that people can experience in their lifetimes. Here is an explanation of each:

The first is Smurf Sex.

This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until
you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex.

This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex
anywhere, anytime. Including the kitchen.

The third is Bedroom Sex.

You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you've
got to do it in the bedroom.

The fourth is Hallway Sex.

This is where you pass each other in the hallway and yell,
"Fuck you."

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.

This is when you get divorced and your ex-partner fucks you in front of everyone in the court.

 

[rosylady]

Finding Mr. Right

A woman asks the pharmacist, "Do you sell Extra Large Condoms?"


Pharmacist says " Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

Woman: " No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

 

[tnguy04]

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such
a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story; "If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye."

 

[rosylady]

Here ya go tn.

Rules For Flight


There is a lot pilots have to take into account when hulling your ass across the sky...

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

(just kidding, lol)

 

[rosylady]

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

________________________


An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

 

[stargirl32]

now you know what happened to that really important file that the computer lost some where ,,


does your computer hate you or what ??????






http://www.poddys.com/jokes/Cartoons/copy.gif

 

[rosylady]

Signs Of Insanity

The Warning Signs of Insanity...


Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

You collect dead windowsill flies.

Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

You like cats. Especially with mayo.

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

Melba toast excites you.

When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."

You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

You keep thinking this is the year for the Red Sox.

You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi.

You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.

The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.

You like reading lists like this.

 

[stargirl32]

The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.

hello .... HELLOOO
HELLOOO HELLOOO HELLOOO HELLOOO HELLOOO HELLOOO HELLOOO

DAMN I MUST BE THE ONE NO ONE SEES .................

 

[nstygrl]

hello .... HELLOOO
HELLOOO HELLOOO HELLOOO HELLOOO HELLOOO HELLOOO HELLOOO

DAMN I MUST BE THE ONE NO ONE SEES .................

Not You star hun...

You are never invisible..