LITEROTICA PODCAST
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

hot tub and dirty jokes......

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
 
lol somebody sent me this..........

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

(Ahhhhhh, the power of the pen!)
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi
Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took
out her
little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew,
"They won't let me fart."
Enjoy Life
Smile more

... shaking head.... ohhhhhhhhhhh Magnolia
 
IT WAS A DARK, STORMY NIGHT


They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark stormy night. The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance and wished that he would take her in his arm, comfort her, protect her from the storm, she
wanted that ... then the power went out.

She screamed.

He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull
back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him. The storm raged on ... as did their growing passion and there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together. They knew it was wrong, their families would not understand, but ....

So consumed in their passion they didn't hear the door or the click of the light switch... the power was back on...... Click Here!
 
Sausage

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some
Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you
Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am.
But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian
sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked
for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or
if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was
Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was
Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well,
all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because
I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot!"
 
Before it Starts

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair,
turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a
beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he
finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's
gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top! "You bastard! You waltz in
here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and
then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize
that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "It's started..."
 
A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"

The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore "Fuck you!"

Without flinching, she smiled an said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"
 
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are
 
two Nuns were going to the store on their bikes, and the older nun said Sister we will go this way, so they took a shortcut
down a cobbled stoned back street..
They were about 2/3 of the way down and the Younger Nun said
"Oh Sister I have Never come this way Before."
and the older sister said," I know dear its the cobblestones>"
:p
 
A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?" "Yeah, but…" stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"
________________________________

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, "For our anniversary this year, you can ask me one question, any question you want to. I will answer it truthfully."

The husband replies, "Okay, this has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before...but I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?"

The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, "yes. Yes he did have a different father." Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay...I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child's father?" Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long silence she slowly said, "YOU."
 
A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached." The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says. "That makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man. The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
 
Symbols of Christmas?

Three guys pass away on Christmas Eve and are met by St.
Peter.

St. Peter says, "In honor of the season, you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas."

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two
lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.

"What do they symbolize?" asks St. Peter.

"They're candles!"

"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a
couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes
them.

"What do they symbolize?" inquires St. Peter.

"They're bells!"

"Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets,
finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties.
He holds them up proudly.

Puzzled, St. Peter asks, "What do they symbolize?"

"They're Carol's!"
 
Christmas Cake

Subject: Very, Verry Good Christmas Cake


CHRISTMAS CAKE

Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
1 bottle of vodka
2 cups of dried fruit


To be sure the Vodka is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar.


Beat again.

At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill ok

Try another cup...just in case

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.


Pick the frigging fruit off floor.

Mix on the turner.


If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with
drewscriver.


Sample the vodka to check for ton sisticicity.


Next, sift two cups of salt. or something. WHo giveshz a shit


Check the vodka.


Now shift the lemon juice and str ain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon
of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
turn the sorcerpan 360 degrees and try n ot to fall over. Don't forget to
beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window,

Finish the vodka and kick the cat.

CHERRY MISTMAS!
 
nstygrl said:
And if I was?? would it get me into them??? :confused:
Click to expand...




hey babe ,, sorry i havent been here ,, .. but to anser your question........ we could have fun trying lmao ....
 
trixiefirecracker said:
LOL...no ones gonna laugh at this put hell i'll post it anyways!

Two guys are stood at the top of a cliff.
One is holding a budgie....the other one had a parrot perched on one hand and a shotgun in the other.
The first guy jumps of the cliff with his budgie....and lands with a thud at the bottom.
The second guy jumps off the cliff, shoots the parrot in mid-air and lands at the bottom next to the first guy.
The guys look at each other and the first one says 'well i don' reckon much to this budgie jumping'.....the second guy nods and says 'this parrot shooting isn't all its cracked up to be either'.

Sorry....that was REALLY bad....:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :p
Click to expand...

Laughing despite myself. The sheee even said this was BAAAAAADD!
 
;) Season's Greetings to all!

Here's my contribution for today:

A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front, and a cop is going down the line giving them all tickets.

A little, old lady approaches one of the girls at the end of the line and asks, "Why are all of you lovely ladies here in line like this?"

The smart-assed whore explains, "Lady, we're waiting in line for our lollipops."

"Oh, that's nice, dear," said the little, old lady. "I haven't had one of them in so long. I think I'll get in line too."

A few minutes later, the cop is standing in front of the little, old lady. "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?"

She looks him right in the eye and winks, "As long as they keep making them, I'm gonna keep sucking them."


:kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:
 
:heart:

Joe was in the corner bar having a few when his friend Phil dropped in and joined him. It didn't take long for Phil to notice a string hanging out of the back of Joe's shirt collar that his friend kept tugging on.

Finally Phil couldn't contain his curiosity, and asked, "What the hell's that string for?"

"Two weeks ago I had a date with that dish, Linda," Joe explained, "and when I got her into the sack, would you believe I couldn't perform? Made me so mad that I tied this string to my dick, and every time I think of how it let me down, I pull the string and make it kiss my ass."


:kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:
 
Thirty Times

THIRTY TIMES!

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman
and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman
awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the

pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying
dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to
her--how could she possibly continue to feed her
family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When
the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the
cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the
situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents
dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the
river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he
discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said,
"I've seen all and know the reason for your despair.

But if you will have sex with me five times in a row,
I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The
son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply

unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned
him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering
what had happened, he too decided to throw himself
into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will
have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make
everything right." And while the son tried his best
(seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the
mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the

dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He
decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went

down to the river to throw himself in. And there he
also met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make
everything right if you will only have sex with me
fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is
that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid
was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he
said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And
even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request,
he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have
sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring
everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that
thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the
cow?"
 
When Ole moved up north, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in this new little town of all Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbecuing venison every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole, eventually persuading him to join their church. The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic"
Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again that aroma of grilled deer steaks coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying: "You were born a whitetail, you were raised a whitetail, and now," he said as he sprinkled seasoning salt
over the choice tenderloin cut, "now you are a walleye."
 
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