Laughter is Contagious

[WantonWitch]

I am always looking for meaningful one night stands

If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all

My wife/husband is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex, she objects

Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's/boyfriend's house during a power failure

I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on

Accountants are the best lovers. They can do it all night long and keep their balance!

I think I could fall madly in bed with you

Behind every great woman, is a guy looking at her ass

Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you coming

Support wild life - vote for an orgy!

Sex is Evil, Sex is Sin, Sins are forgiven, So Let's Begin!

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty

Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids

Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips nice one

Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire

 

[done_got_old]

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

STUDENT: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

 

[leevining]

Subject: Read the story first



> > This is a true story that happened in Utah and was on the news!
> >
> > A city councilman, Mark Easton, lives in this neighborhood.
> > He had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbor
> > purchased the lot below his house and built. Apparently, the new
> > home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark
> > Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make sure they
> > enforced the lower roof line ordinance. Mark and his new neighbor
> > had some great arguments about this as you can imagine -not great
> > feelings. The new neighbor had to drop the roof line
> > - no doubt at great expense. Recently, Mark Easton called the city
> > and informed them that his new neighbor had installed some vents on
> > the side of his home. Mark didn't like the look of these vents and
> > asked the city to investigate. When they went to Mark's home to see
> > the vent view, this is what they found... (see attached pictures).


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[wally2450]

Subject: Read the story first



> > This is a true story that happened in Utah and was on the news!
> >
> > A city councilman, Mark Easton, lives in this neighborhood.
> > He had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbor
> > purchased the lot below his house and built. Apparently, the new
> > home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark
> > Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make sure they
> > enforced the lower roof line ordinance. Mark and his new neighbor
> > had some great arguments about this as you can imagine -not great
> > feelings. The new neighbor had to drop the roof line
> > - no doubt at great expense. Recently, Mark Easton called the city
> > and informed them that his new neighbor had installed some vents on
> > the side of his home. Mark didn't like the look of these vents and
> > asked the city to investigate. When they went to Mark's home to see
> > the vent view, this is what they found... (see attached pictures).


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!https://forum.literotica.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=&stc=1

ROFLMAO!

 

[wally2450]

American Ambassador in London

[ Told by the C.O. of HMAS Nirimba at a mess dinner in 1976 ].

In a nearly empty London bar on a filthy winter's day, there were several patrons quietly drinking when in comes your stereotypical American visitor, obviously unimpressed by the country, its weather and everything else about it.

He says loudly: "What a lousy country. The bars are shut half the time, it's cold, wet and windy, the beer tastes like piss and is served at the same temperature, the streets are packed and you can't even get a cab."

Several people quietly leave.

He looks at a gentleman quietly sipping a pink gin and says: "Hey, limey: how can you bear to live in such a miserable place?"

He is ignored, more people leave. After much more of this only the gentleman with the pink gin, the barman and the American are left.

He says: "Hey, limey: I'm talking to you. I've been to damn near every country in the world and this is the lousiest. I dunno how you can bear to live here. This country is just the arsehole of the world."

The gentleman with the pink gin pauses, takes another sip and, turning, delicately enquires of the American: "Oh, yes. Just passing through, are you?"

 

[wally2450]

Gwb

Laura Bush bought "Dubyah" a parrot for his birthday.
She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George
has already taught him to mispronounce over 200
words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you
realize that he just 'says' the words. He
doesn't understand what they mean."

"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the
parrot.

 

[wally2450]

Social Life

 

[done_got_old]

http://www.literacyrules.com/lit/0010.jpg

 

[wally2450]

http://www.literacyrules.com/lit/0010.jpg

LOL!!

 

[wally2450]

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less

LOL! More truth than fiction!

 

[WantonWitch]

LOL! More truth than fiction!

Yup.... truth can be funny


This joke's courtesy of Big Salami



FW: women lol

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing,Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speedto 75

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

Moral of the Story :Women are crazy!!!! ? Don't mess with them!!



He's right you know

 

[Gypsybyrd]

Subject: Read the story first



> > This is a true story that happened in Utah and was on the news!
> >
> > A city councilman, Mark Easton, lives in this neighborhood.
> > He had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbor
> > purchased the lot below his house and built. Apparently, the new
> > home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark
> > Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make sure they
> > enforced the lower roof line ordinance. Mark and his new neighbor
> > had some great arguments about this as you can imagine -not great
> > feelings. The new neighbor had to drop the roof line
> > - no doubt at great expense. Recently, Mark Easton called the city
> > and informed them that his new neighbor had installed some vents on
> > the side of his home. Mark didn't like the look of these vents and
> > asked the city to investigate. When they went to Mark's home to see
> > the vent view, this is what they found... (see attached pictures).


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Just saw this in class Thursday night! lmao

 

[techsan]

From wally2450 ...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/20040319h.jpg

 

[wally2450]

From wally2450 ...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/20040319h.jpg

Much thanks Techsan!

 

[leevining]

Sneaking up on your Hubby

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple was invited to a masked costume Halloween party. The wife
got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his Batman costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought he would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She put on a Goldilocks costume.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he coud
and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went
up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After some more to drink he finally whispered a little proposition
in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and
had a quickie in the back seat. Just before unmasking, she slipped away and went home and put her costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that Batman costume
playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, actually, I gave my Batman costume to your Dad. Apparently he had a whale of a time. He told me he got lucky with a hottie in a Goldilocks outfit".

_________________

 

[done_got_old]

Optical Illusion

 

[leevining]

dgo.............phew............thanks .........phtt....splaw.......

 

[SexSweetheart]

Daily Humor
October 10, 2006


In conversation, my adult son Larry expressed concern about my future. Confident in my children's love, I announced, "I'm not going to worry about old age. I have four kids, and I'll just spend three months with each one." "Yes," Larry replied, "but what are you going to do the second year?"

- submitted to Reader's Digest by Mary C. Kline ​

http://bestsmileys.com/halloween3/19.gif

 

[wally2450]

Sneaking up on your Hubby

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple was invited to a masked costume Halloween party. The wife
got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his Batman costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought he would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She put on a Goldilocks costume.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he coud
and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went
up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After some more to drink he finally whispered a little proposition
in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and
had a quickie in the back seat. Just before unmasking, she slipped away and went home and put her costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that Batman costume
playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, actually, I gave my Batman costume to your Dad. Apparently he had a whale of a time. He told me he got lucky with a hottie in a Goldilocks outfit".

_________________

LOL!!

 

[wally2450]

Optical Illusion

ROFLMAO!

 

[wally2450]

Cub Fans (smirk)

20 major events that have occurred since the Chicago
Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship
(1906):
-
1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their
team lose.
-
2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team
lose.
-
3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and
hear their team lose to more clubs.
-
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th,
50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
-
5. Haley's comet passed Earth twice.
-
6. Harry Caray was born....and died.
-
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago
teams won championships in each league.
-
8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs
given up by Cubs
pitchers.
-
9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected
-
10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
-
11. Prohibition was created and repealed.
-
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered
and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest
giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the
bottom can come out on top.
-
13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park
in the National League
-
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold
all of the team's future World Series pennants. Those flag
poles have since rusted and been taken down.
-
15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics
have been held.
-
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown;
several thanked Cubs pitchers.
-
17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came
back in.
-
18.The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona
Diamondbacks and the Florida Marlins have all won the
World Series.
-
19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they
lost the majority of them.
-
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New
Mexico were added to the Union.

 

[techsan]

20 major events that have occurred since the Chicago
Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship
(1906):
-
1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their
team lose.
...
-
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New
Mexico were added to the Union.

ROTFLMAO!

You'd think somebody was a Cubs fan!

 

[techsan]

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart. She looked up and said: "Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."

 

[techsan]

From Copperbutterfly ...

To My Darling Husband;

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck whenI turned into the driveway. Fortunately not

to bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent

but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me.

You know how much I love you and care for you. Sweetheart, I cannot wait to hold

you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.


http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/Lovingwife.jpg

 

[SexSweetheart]

Daily Humor
October 11, 2006


In Florida, where I was an assistant U.S. Attorney, I was cross-examining a defendant on trial for drug possession. A counterfeit Social Security card bearing his name had been found in his wallet when he was arrested. In my line of questioning, I reached the topic of the phony card. "This card is in your name, correct?" He replied that it was. "Is this a real Social Security card?" I asked. "I certainly hope so," he replied. "I paid $50 for it."

- submitted to Reader's Digest by Andrew Grosso