kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
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kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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To All Staff: "Morning Pick-Me-Up"
We have compiled a Master Reference binder for all to use.
Inside this binder you will find 'solutions' to everyday problems.
If you are having problems with the photocopier, difficulty dealing with co-workers, having computer problems, customer problems, personal problems, or any kind of problem, please come and get the red binder and it will help you through your issue.
Use the red binder for all issues...it is guaranteed to make you stress-free!!
We have compiled a Master Reference binder for all to use.
Inside this binder you will find 'solutions' to everyday problems.
If you are having problems with the photocopier, difficulty dealing with co-workers, having computer problems, customer problems, personal problems, or any kind of problem, please come and get the red binder and it will help you through your issue.
Use the red binder for all issues...it is guaranteed to make you stress-free!!
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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Truths
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there
were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded That he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, " South Carolina "
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said.. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there
were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded That he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, " South Carolina "
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said.. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting.
- 30% of women think their ass is too fat
- 10% of women think their ass is too skinny
- The remaining 60% say they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting.
- 30% of women think their ass is too fat
- 10% of women think their ass is too skinny
- The remaining 60% say they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
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- 12,353
A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions. "For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?" The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two." "Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."
techsan
...just chugging along
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Baked Beans - This is hilarious!
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!'
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'
I fainted!!!
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!'
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'
I fainted!!!
curl4ever
Literotica Guru
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- 2,017
Dear techsan, this was VERY funny. Thanks, curl
techsan
...just chugging along
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techsan
...just chugging along
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wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
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A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger hillbilly
into the doctor's office, deposited him on the examining
table, and said, "See if you can patch him up soon. I
shot up his rear end like it was a tail on a possum.
Don't hurt him none, 'cause he's my son-in-law."
The doctor said, "Why would you shoot your son-in-law?"
The hillbilly said, "He warn't my son-in-law when I
shot him."
==================================================================
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his
mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Jimmy the redneck from St. Louis Missouri, 60, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
into the doctor's office, deposited him on the examining
table, and said, "See if you can patch him up soon. I
shot up his rear end like it was a tail on a possum.
Don't hurt him none, 'cause he's my son-in-law."
The doctor said, "Why would you shoot your son-in-law?"
The hillbilly said, "He warn't my son-in-law when I
shot him."
==================================================================
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his
mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Jimmy the redneck from St. Louis Missouri, 60, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Quotes for the Day
"You pile up enough tomorrows and you'll be left with nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays. I don't know about you, but I'd like to make today worth remembering."--Meredith Willson
"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."--Carl Jung
"You pile up enough tomorrows and you'll be left with nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays. I don't know about you, but I'd like to make today worth remembering."--Meredith Willson
"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."--Carl Jung
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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Thought I'd just pass this along.....Makes sense!
Please pass it on to the people you care about, relatives, friends classmates or former classmates.
It is important they be aware of this danger
Never
Never
Never
Never
Ever........
http://www.literacyrules.com/wet%20suit.jpg
...fart in a wet suit!
Please pass it on to the people you care about, relatives, friends classmates or former classmates.
It is important they be aware of this danger
Never
Never
Never
Never
Ever........
http://www.literacyrules.com/wet%20suit.jpg
...fart in a wet suit!
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
My husband and I were in line at a theme park when we noticed two
teenagers in front of us, passionately hugging and kissing. They
didn't even come up for air when the line moved.
As we waited, their displays of affection became more and more
embarrassing.
Finally one park employee approached them and said, "Hey, Kids, this
is a place to bring your families, not have them.
The wife appeared at the breakfast table in curlers and a worn
bathrobe.
The husband looked up from his newspaper and said, "Why can't you
look like you did when we were first married?"
"How can I?" she snapped back. "I'm not pregnant!"
teenagers in front of us, passionately hugging and kissing. They
didn't even come up for air when the line moved.
As we waited, their displays of affection became more and more
embarrassing.
Finally one park employee approached them and said, "Hey, Kids, this
is a place to bring your families, not have them.
The wife appeared at the breakfast table in curlers and a worn
bathrobe.
The husband looked up from his newspaper and said, "Why can't you
look like you did when we were first married?"
"How can I?" she snapped back. "I'm not pregnant!"
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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- Posts
- 269,162
Preacher's Son
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
A bible
A silver dollar
A bottle of whisky
And a playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door", the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school this afternoon, "I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this months centerfold. "Lord have mercy." the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
"He's gonna run for Congress."
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
A bible
A silver dollar
A bottle of whisky
And a playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door", the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school this afternoon, "I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this months centerfold. "Lord have mercy." the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
"He's gonna run for Congress."
techsan
...just chugging along
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done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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Very good!
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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CCaprice
here and there
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done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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Those were great!
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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The Power of Beer
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
*
*
*
*
(Wait for it)
*
*
*
*
(It's coming)
*
*
*
*
(Ya ready?)
*
*
*
*
(Don't hate me)
*
*
*
*
(Ya gonna hate me)
*
*
*
*
(Take a deep breath)
*
*
*
*
'He should've quit while he was a head!'
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
*
*
*
*
(Wait for it)
*
*
*
*
(It's coming)
*
*
*
*
(Ya ready?)
*
*
*
*
(Don't hate me)
*
*
*
*
(Ya gonna hate me)
*
*
*
*
(Take a deep breath)
*
*
*
*
'He should've quit while he was a head!'
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Oh, GROAN! LMAO, I shoulda seen it comin'!
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
You are so right about it being a GROANER!
....admit it? You know you love groaners.
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