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LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Laughter is Contagious

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The young doctor was taking his wife out one evening, when a pretty
girl smiled and spoke to him. The wife scenting an earlier love
affair, inquired: "Who is the lady, dear?" "Oh, just a girl I have
met professionally." "No doubt," meowed the wife, "but whose
profession? Yours or hers?"
 
QUOTE FOR TODAY
"Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to go on vacation. No men will be allowed on the island. Which leads to the question, 'If something goes wrong, whose fault will it be?'" -Jay Leno
 
Missing Husband

A wife went to the police station to report her missing husband and took along her next-door neighbor for moral support.

When asked for his description, she told the officer, 'He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, weighs 185 pounds, has blue eyes, blond wavy hair, an athletic build, is soft-spoken, and good with children.'

Her neighbour protested, 'Your husband is short, bald, fat, and mean.'

'True, the wife replied, 'but who'd want him back?'
 
kayte said:
Missing Husband

A wife went to the police station to report her missing husband and took along her next-door neighbor for moral support.

When asked for his description, she told the officer, 'He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, weighs 185 pounds, has blue eyes, blond wavy hair, an athletic build, is soft-spoken, and good with children.'

Her neighbour protested, 'Your husband is short, bald, fat, and mean.'

'True, the wife replied, 'but who'd want him back?'
Click to expand...

ROTFLMAO! sounds just like what my wife said when I had an accident
 
The Five Scariest Things in the US Navy

A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."
A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, sir..."
A Lieutenant JG saying, "Based on my experience..."
A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."
A Chief chuckling, "Watch this shit..."
 
Two canibals are sitting around eating a clown. One canibal ask the other "Do you think this taste funny?"
 
DARWIN AWARDS, 2007


I always look forward to the Darwin Awards! And once again, it's time
for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwin's are awarded every year to
the persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing
themselves from the gene pool.


This year's nominees are:


Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former
girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun
discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.


Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he
was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns
got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath
so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes
caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped
in the drive shaft".


Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December
in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his
bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38
Special, which discharged when he dre w it to his ear. (For whatever
reason, residents of Southern states always seem to figure prominently
among the Darwin nominees.)


Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]:
; Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown
Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged
24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into
the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as
he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law
students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength
according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm
Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of
th e best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.


Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had
spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder
conviction before having hi s sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.


Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay
County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.


Nominee No. 7: [Reut ers, Mississauga, Ontario]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder o n the bal cony of his condominium apartment
in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.


Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and
struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday.
Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after
midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis,
38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching
trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights
malfunctioned. The two men concluded that t he headli ght fuse on the
older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not
available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol
fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon
inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and
the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After
traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river,
the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the
testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and
striking a tree Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the
accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his
testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a
broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on
that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead,"
stated Wallis "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but
this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this
accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia
(Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone
get them from the truck??? (Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result
of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules,
it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the
gene pool.)
 
Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Ol'
Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the
highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to
take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind
he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin
bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

" Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes
careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird
continues to sail silently over the tree tops."

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!"
 
kayte said:
Missing Husband

A wife went to the police station to report her missing husband and took along her next-door neighbor for moral support.

When asked for his description, she told the officer, 'He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, weighs 185 pounds, has blue eyes, blond wavy hair, an athletic build, is soft-spoken, and good with children.'

Her neighbour protested, 'Your husband is short, bald, fat, and mean.'

'True, the wife replied, 'but who'd want him back?'
Click to expand...

:D:rolleyes::D
 
Shower Activities

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According
to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people
masturbate in the shower. The other ten percent of them sing."

"Really?" asked the friend.

The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know
what song they sing?"

The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."

The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."
 
Tax Message
A message from a friend:

The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China, If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will go to India, if we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala, if we purchase a good car it will go to Japan, if we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in the US.

Thank you for your help and good luck,

Governor (I'll do my share) Spitzer.
 
Dear Abby,

I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs -- phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work. I try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Last night she went out again, and I decided to investigate.

At midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view when she arrived home.

When she got out of the car she was buttoning her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

Will this cause my ball to slice? Is this something I can fix myself or do I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed,
Perplexed
 
I taught sex education in the South Bronx, and as a sixth grade teacher I was told to answer all their sex questions.

One kid asked, 'Is there any part of the woman's body known as the Volvo?' Which I thought was a good question.

I said, 'Only on Swedish women.'"
 
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