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West Virginia Ten Commandments

Some people in West Virginia have trouble with all those 'shalls' and 'shall not's' in the Ten commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms.. So, some folks in West Virginia got together and translated the 'King James' into 'County' language..... no joke, read on... The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at First Baptist Church in Summersville, West Virginia) (1) Just one God (2) Put nothin' before God (3) Watch yer mouth (4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin' (5) Honor yer Ma & Pa (6) No killin' (7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal (8) Don't take what ain't yers (9) No tellin' tales or gossipin' (10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day.
 
http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/M/maxine%20in%20car.jpg

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, 'Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, 'Never mind. I found one.'
 
JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER​


A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab................... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
 
Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in isgust. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room #233 at the local hospital.
 
done_got_old said:
http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/M/maxine%20in%20car.jpg

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, 'Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, 'Never mind. I found one.'
Click to expand...
That's to funny.
 
done_got_old said:
Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in isgust. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room #233 at the local hospital.
Click to expand...


LMAO!
 
Little Johnny is at it again:





A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word fascinate" in a sentence.



Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my grand-dad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating".



Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."



Little Johnny raised his hand.



The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.



Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."



The teacher sat down and cried.
 
What is the most intelligent animal in the world?
The dog.It will walk up to anything and smell of it.If he can't eat it
or mate with it, he will piss on it!

Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to
God and man up their nostrils, and then laugh at you for putting sugar
in your coffee!
 
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Mt. Vernon Illinois. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn’t heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, “What the heck’s going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs!”

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered, “YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!?!”
 
wally2450 said:
What is the most intelligent animal in the world?
The dog.It will walk up to anything and smell of it.If he can't eat it
or mate with it, he will piss on it!

Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to
God and man up their nostrils, and then laugh at you for putting sugar
in your coffee!
Click to expand...

Happy Hump Day {{{{Wally}}}} I think you put the nail right on the head!
 
done_got_old said:
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Mt. Vernon Illinois. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn’t heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, “What the heck’s going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs!”

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered, “YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!?!”
Click to expand...

Happy Hump Day {{{{{DGO}}}}} That says it all! :D
 
Boys And Girls Are Different!

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked
her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the
back seat. "What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different
from girls," she chirped.

Looking into the rear view mirror, I could just see the top of her
head.

"My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don't," she
added.

"Well, yes they do," I said cautiously. I couldn't think of anything
else to say, so we were quiet for a moment.

Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys,"
she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he
is a boy."

I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute
already felt like an hour.

"Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?"

My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um, well."

I was still searching for something new to say, to change the
subject, when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have
those things?"

Well, I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked
herself that question at least once? "Oh, well," I stammered.

She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own.

"It's cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and
that's when they know they are boys and that's when they like them.
Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows
he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get
cooked."

That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had
a pretty good grasp on things. As soon as we got home and I pulled
into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of
her school bag.

"I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?"

I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down.
There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the
ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood,
the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female
turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers
were standing tall and proud.

She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and
I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it, and I did,
she got over her pique.

That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky.
Every year I remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven't
looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since.
 
wally2450 said:
Boys And Girls Are Different!

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked
her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the
back seat. "What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different
from girls," she chirped.

Looking into the rear view mirror, I could just see the top of her
head.

"My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don't," she
added.

"Well, yes they do," I said cautiously. I couldn't think of anything
else to say, so we were quiet for a moment.

Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys,"
she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he
is a boy."

I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute
already felt like an hour.

"Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?"

My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um, well."

I was still searching for something new to say, to change the
subject, when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have
those things?"

Well, I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked
herself that question at least once? "Oh, well," I stammered.

She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own.

"It's cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and
that's when they know they are boys and that's when they like them.
Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows
he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get
cooked."

That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had
a pretty good grasp on things. As soon as we got home and I pulled
into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of
her school bag.

"I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?"

I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down.
There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the
ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood,
the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female
turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers
were standing tall and proud.

She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and
I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it, and I did,
she got over her pique.

That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky.
Every year I remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven't
looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since.
Click to expand...

Thank you {{{{{{Wally}}}}}}} That is priceless! :D
 
The Godfather On His Deathbed


The Godfather was dying.

He summoned one of his godsons and said softly, 'Mikey, before I go, I gotta ask one favor.'

'Yes, godfather, anything,' said Mikey. 'I worship you.'

The old man's eyes narrowed. 'I want you to go to my bathroom and masturbate.'

The lad looked around uneasily. 'I dunno, boss. That's kinda embarrassing.'

'Who raised you as if you were my own?' demanded the Godfather. 'This one thing you can't do for me?'

The young man realized his error and agreed to the request.

When he returned, the old man said, 'One more request?'

'Sure, godfather. Anything,' said Mikey.

'Do it again!'

'What? I just did it,' protested Mikey.

'Who gave you money, clothes, girls, huh? And you can't do this one little thing for me?' asked the Godfather.

Again Mikey agreed and was soon back.

'Okay, I'm done,' he told the Godfather.

'One last request,' said the Godfather. 'Do it once more.'

'I don't understand, Godfather,' said Mikey. 'Why?'

'What? You can't grant a dying man his last wish?' said the Godfather.

Mikey was gone a long while this time, but eventually he staggered back to the bedside.

'I did it, Godfather, but, please, no more. I got nothing left.'

'Good!' said the old man, handing him his car keys. 'Now go pick up my daughter at the airport!'
 
kayte said:
The Godfather On His Deathbed


The Godfather was dying.

He summoned one of his godsons and said softly, 'Mikey, before I go, I gotta ask one favor.'

'Yes, godfather, anything,' said Mikey. 'I worship you.'

The old man's eyes narrowed. 'I want you to go to my bathroom and masturbate.'

The lad looked around uneasily. 'I dunno, boss. That's kinda embarrassing.'

'Who raised you as if you were my own?' demanded the Godfather. 'This one thing you can't do for me?'

The young man realized his error and agreed to the request.

When he returned, the old man said, 'One more request?'

'Sure, godfather. Anything,' said Mikey.

'Do it again!'

'What? I just did it,' protested Mikey.

'Who gave you money, clothes, girls, huh? And you can't do this one little thing for me?' asked the Godfather.

Again Mikey agreed and was soon back.

'Okay, I'm done,' he told the Godfather.

'One last request,' said the Godfather. 'Do it once more.'

'I don't understand, Godfather,' said Mikey. 'Why?'

'What? You can't grant a dying man his last wish?' said the Godfather.

Mikey was gone a long while this time, but eventually he staggered back to the bedside.

'I did it, Godfather, but, please, no more. I got nothing left.'

'Good!' said the old man, handing him his car keys. 'Now go pick up my daughter at the airport!'
Click to expand...


ROFLMAO
 
Bulls & Balls!


A young Aggie stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The Aggie, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the Aggie returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
 
Heard Jeff Foxworthy say the the other night that he saw his two girls
age 5 and 8 usher the neighbor boy into their bathroom and lock the
door. He went to the door where he heard giggles and squeals and in a
stearn voice said "Hey, what are you doing in there?" his youngest
said
"We are checking out Johnnies Yoo-Hoo." Jeff then yells "didn't we
tell
you girls that those things were poison?" and his oldest
replies, "Dad,
they can't be because if they were, the dog would be dead by now
 
My cousin's cat had kittens and he was able to give away all but 4 of them. I told him I would help him find homes for the last 4. I can't take one because I
am allergic, but if you could take just one it would be such a help and the kittens could have a nice home. Since he lives by the Nuclear Power Plant, I'll go pick them up for you. I've attached pictures of the last 4 kittens ..


Will you help?

 
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