Laughter is Contagious

[wally2450]

Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with the
slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The Second one tries to improve on that with, Coverage from the womb
to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the
worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up
the race, but finally came up with, "From the erection to the
resurrection."

 

[done_got_old]

Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with the
slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The Second one tries to improve on that with, Coverage from the womb
to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the
worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up
the race, but finally came up with, "From the erection to the
resurrection."

Good one Wally!

 

[techsan]

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/ATT00001.jpg

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt

 

[techsan]

Why Terrorists Commit Suicide

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now. . . .


No Jesus

No Christmas

No television

No cheerleaders

No baseball

No football

No hockey

No golf

No tailgate parties

No Wal-Mart

No Home Depot

No pork BBQ

No hot dogs

No burgers

No chocolate chip cookies

No lobster

No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks

No gumbo

No jambalaya

No Beer

Rags for clothes and towels for hats.

Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.

Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

More than one wife.

You can't shave.

Your wives can't shave.

You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

Your bride is picked by someone else.

She smells just like your donkey.

But your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

 

[wally2450]

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remotelog cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK. "Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love". The old man replied, "I thought so...would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window...they're choking my ducks!"

 

[wally2450]

Three southern Bells were sitting on the front porch fanning
themselves. One of them had just returned from a shopping trip to New
York City.In her sweetest southern voice she said: "Do you know, that
in New York City, there are men who have sex with other men" One
replied: and what do they call them"The Belle replied, "They call
them homosexuals>" The Belle went on... "And did you know that in New
York City, there are women that have sex with other women?" The other
Belle said...I do declare, whatever do they call them? The Belle
replied. They are called lesbians." Finally the returned Belle
said: "And did you know, there are men In New York City who eat
women's pussies." The Bell blushed and replied. I'm not sure what the
women of New York call them. But I call them DARLING

 

[wally2450]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a cross in front of him; the other a Star of David.
Many people pass by and look at both beggars, but only
put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people
giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give
to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star
of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?
This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a
Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting
beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would
probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest,
turned to the beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look
who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

 

[kayte]

Remembering the 60's

 

[wally2450]

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According
to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people
masturbate in the shower. The other ten percent of them sing."

"Really?" asked the friend.

The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know
what song they sing?"

The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."

The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."

 

[smoothdevil]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a cross in front of him; the other a Star of David.
Many people pass by and look at both beggars, but only
put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people
giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give
to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star
of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?
This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a
Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting
beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would
probably give to him just out of spite."


The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest,
turned to the beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look
who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

S U P E R ....... LMAO

 

[wally2450]

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even
though they both worked full-time, he never helped around
the house. Housework was woman's work!

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the
children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and
another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table
set. She was astonished - something's up. It turns out
that Charley had read an article that said wives who
worked full-time and had to do their own housework were
too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day she told her office
friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley
even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework,
folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really
enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that
was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"

 

[kayte]

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even
though they both worked full-time, he never helped around
the house. Housework was woman's work!

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the
children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and
another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table
set. She was astonished - something's up. It turns out
that Charley had read an article that said wives who
worked full-time and had to do their own housework were
too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day she told her office
friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley
even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework,
folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really
enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that
was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"

Thank you {{{{{Wally}}}}} That says it all!

 

[curl4ever]

Jenny's husband... Housework...
. . .

Very nice!!! Thanks wally!
curl

 

[done_got_old]

The hardest part of being a
seeing eye dog ...

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/seeingeyedog.jpg​

 

[kayte]

The hardest part of being a
seeing eye dog ...

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/seeingeyedog.jpg​

Absolutely priceless!!!

 

[smoothdevil]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
Feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
Maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Bill hadn't shown up
For a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they
Ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was
Unable to find out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill,
But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat
Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so Then
He said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde
Waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89
Years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I plead 'guilty' and

The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

 

[wally2450]

One woman was complaining to her friend, "My sex life is awful. My
husband doesn't have the foggiest idea how to make me come. What's
worse is, he gets mad when I try to tell him."

"Do what I did," 2nd gal replied. "I told my husband that I was
exactly like his Computer."

"Like his Computer?" replies the 1st woman.

"Yeah," the 2nd woman replied. "We both come with instructions. "

 

[kayte]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
Feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
Maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Bill hadn't shown up
For a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they
Ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was
Unable to find out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill,
But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat
Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so Then
He said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde
Waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89
Years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I plead 'guilty' and

The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

ROTFLMAO

 

[smoothdevil]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy

session with four young mothers and their small

children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are

obsessed with eating. You've even named your

daughter Candy."



He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your

obsession is with money. Again, it manifests

itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned

to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is

alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's

name, Brandy."



At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy,

quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand

and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

 

[wally2450]

It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her
grades; there was nothing really for the class to do.

All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the
teacher thought of an activity. She said, "The first ones to answer
correctly the questions I ask may leave early today." Little Johnny
said to himself, "Good, I'm smart and I want to get outa here."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" But
before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln?"

The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may go." Johnny was mad
that Susie had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" But before Johnny
could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!"

The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may go." Johnny was even
madder than before. Mary had answered first. The teacher asked, "Who
said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could
open his mouth, Nancy piped, "John Kennedy!"

The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may go." Now Johnny was
furious! Nancy had answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, "I wish these
girls would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON.
CAN I GO NOW?"

 

[wally2450]

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than
the posted speed limit.
Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow
a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks
the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that
he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with
it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me.

I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name.

The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself.

I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that
I wanted to be a doctor.

I went through college, medical school, internship, and residency,
finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream.

Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred
Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling
around with my assistant.

She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I
was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of
the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears laughing.

 

[done_got_old]

Sidewalk Interview Gone Bad

 

[sasebrats]

Sidewalk Interview Gone Bad

OMG That's was fucking hilarious!

 

[curl4ever]

OMG That's was fucking hilarious!

Ditto!
-curl

 

[wally2450]

I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he
reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then,
twisting his thorax with precision, he grabbed hold of the next
blade. In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much
distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and
delighted me. And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called
an "epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything
becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I
suddenly knew what I had to do...

Quit drinking before noon.