Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

[2wild2care]

I've started my own advice column, not sure if it'll work but I think I'm cut out for it as I'm a very caring and understanding person.... got my first email today and I think I dealt with it rather well...!!!


Dear 2wild2care,

I hope you can help me... The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Joan



______________________________ ________



Dear Joan

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,



2wild2care

 

[Icey*Fire]

Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

 

[KnightWing]

~~was visiting the Senior Center this past week~~

What'd the egg say to the boiling water??? It's gonna take you longer than 5 minutes to make me hard, I just got laid this morning!!!

Gotta love older people!!!

 

[Icey*Fire]

Proud Texan Father
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

 

[2wild2care]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2521/4557188123_34b28ae728_o.jpg

 

[kayte]

A French teacher was explaining to her college class that French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House", for example, is feminine: "la maison". "Pencil" is masculine: "le crayon".
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -- male and female -- and
asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine noun or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be the feminine gender ("la computer") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 

[2wild2care]

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!

 

[kayte]

1. Sex In The Jungle

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have
sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs.
"Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan

2. Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a ..44 magnum and pointed it at him, saying, "No, you' re not.
"You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."

 

[goodgurlgetsbad]

1. Sex In The Jungle

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have
sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs.
"Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan

2. Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a ..44 magnum and pointed it at him, saying, "No, you' re not.
"You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."

love the jokes - can sure brighten up anybody's day - THANKS

 

[alisonwunderlnd]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsWrY77o77o

 

[smoothdevil]

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary....

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

This is day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat and fish, while the other inmates and I are fed canned hash or some sort of chokingly dry nuggets.

Although I make known my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am...the bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to their guest's 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The parrot has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell. He is safe from me...for the moment.

The day they see the shredded back side of their imported Italian leather sofa and chair, they will understand the degree of my contempt!
And, nooo, I have no idea what happened to the canary!

 

[2wild2care]

Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!!

Personally I think its bollocks!!

----------------------------------

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low...

 

[kayte]

You're Know You're From Alaska If ...

1. You consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by.

2. If you're proud that the Alaska makes the national news 96 nights each year because Trapper Creek is the coldest spot in the nation.

3. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year.

4. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead.

5. If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of jellied moose nose.

6. If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time.

7. If you have either a pet or child named "Bear".

8. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches.

9. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.

10. If you know how to say Matanuska, Tokositna, Kichatna, Oshetna, Bodenburg and Muktuk.

11. If you think that ketchup is one of the seven main food groups.

12. If your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a motor home on the highway.

13. If your whole family wears mukluks to church on Sunday.

14. If you see people wearing camouflage at social events - including weddings and funerals.

15. If you know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

 

[DrunknBarbarian]

A few jokes for the day

...........

 

[2wild2care]

A set of jump leads walk into a bar.

The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

 

[kayte]

Some fun short jokes I found amusing....



1. As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

2.An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. The convict got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck. Suddenly the convict got up and left the room. As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown. He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it."

"Oh honey", the wife said, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. But he wasn't kissing my neck... he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."


3. Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

TGIF DB ~ Thank you for the funnies. I got quite a visual with #3

 

[kayte]

A set of jump leads walk into a bar.

The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

TGIF {{{2wild}}} Nice to see you again! Thank you so much for the giggle. It is great.

 

[mickyp123]

I gave my wife an orgasm last night, the ungrateful bitch spat it out

 

[JustEl]

To all you BITCHES out there!!!!!!!


BITCHOLOGY

When I stand up for
myself and my beliefs,
they call me a
bitch.

When I stand up for
those I love,
they call me a
bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts
or do things my own way, they call me a
bitch.

Being a bitch
means I won't
compromise what's
in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to
tolerate injustice and
speak against it, I am
defined as a
bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for
myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I 'should' be...

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me, just try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch ,so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle 'anything'

 

[2wild2care]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time.
Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
He suffered from bad breath.



This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .




A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[done_got_old]

butt lift gonna bad
http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/said-it-all.jpg

 

[kayte]

Why Men Are Happier People

Nicknames:
If Laura, Kate and Sarah get together, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Larry, Dave and Kirk get together, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

Money:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

Bathrooms:
A man has six items in a bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
A typical woman has an average number of 337 items in a bathroom. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

The Future:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

[kayte]

butt lift gonna bad
http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/said-it-all.jpg

{{{{{DGO}}}}}}

Thank you sweetie. LMAO!

 

[smoothdevil]

Texas is planning to do a Survivor Show entitled "Survivor, Texas Style."

The 8 contestants will all start in Dallas, Then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, Over to Houston and down to Brownsville ....
They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa,
Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas ...

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that reads:

"I'm a Democrat,"
"I'm Gay,"
"I love the Dixie Chicks,"
"Boycott Beef,"
"I Voted for Obama,"
" George Strait Sucks,"
"Hillary in 2012" and
"I'm here to confiscate your guns.."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.