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Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the ownerof the course being played. Angry course owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved of alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
 
. Friends

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by! the waist and placed her firmly on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch me! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

2. The Elbow

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
 
I just got the iTit joke today, I am guessing its been around a while, but I that it was really funny!
 
what do wives and condoms have in common?
...........they both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick....
 
This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddy’s are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because they are dogs.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn, is this a great country or what!?
 
THE RULES OF RURAL INDIANA ARE AS FOLLOWS

(So, listen up you candy ass City Slickers!)

1. Pull up your ridiculous baggy pants. You look like an idiot and your butt crack is disguting.

2. Put your cap right, your head isn't crooked, but your brain is.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "dirt" road for a reason. It's just one of the reasons I drive a pickup. No matter how slow you drive, you're still gonna get dust on your purty Lexus, so drive it or get the hell out of the way!

4. Yes, these are cattle...steaks on the hoof. They might smell funny to you, but they smell like money to us...get over it.
Don't like it? Rt. 70 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So, you drive a $60,000 car. Big woop-dee-do, we're really impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So what if everyone in southern Indiana waves. It's called being friendly. Try to grasp the concept.

7. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

8. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck is coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

9. That;s right, we eat taters & gravy, beans & cornbread. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available down at the corner bait shop.

10. We still open doors for women. And that's applied to ALL women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu, you pretentious clod, just order the steak. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick out the 2 lbs of ham & turkey.

12. When we set a table here, we have three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. And three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah, and we don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff, IT AIN'T REAL CHILI,,,

13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. College and High School Football are as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

16. Yes, we have several golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? They're all over the state. We have State Universities , Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. The graduates come outta there with an education plus a love for God and their country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

18. We have a whole ton of our folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, I promise you WILL get whipped by the best.

19. And, for crying out loud, turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap with the filthy lyrics ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your dumb ass boxers. Refer back to #1.

20. No, 4 inches of snow isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive in it like you got some sense, and DON'T go buying up all our bread, milk and eggs from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska, worst case might be that you have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.

Any of this upsetting to you? Refer back to #4.

:devil:
 
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them.

They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered.

It was a simple place... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment.

Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove.

It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron.
What was strange about it was its location it was suspended in midair
by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist.
"It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer.
"The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics.
By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning.
Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.

When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why
he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.

His answer was succinct...

"Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."

:devil:
 
done_got_old said:
This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddy’s are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because they are dogs.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn, is this a great country or what!?
Click to expand...

{{{{{{DGO}}}}} :kiss: :heart:

So nice to see you. Thank you for that funny. When I first read it I did laugh. Unfortunately I then thought about how "true" it is. :(
 
smoothdevil said:
THE RULES OF RURAL INDIANA ARE AS FOLLOWS

(So, listen up you candy ass City Slickers!)

1. Pull up your ridiculous baggy pants. You look like an idiot and your butt crack is disguting.

2. Put your cap right, your head isn't crooked, but your brain is.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "dirt" road for a reason. It's just one of the reasons I drive a pickup. No matter how slow you drive, you're still gonna get dust on your purty Lexus, so drive it or get the hell out of the way!

4. Yes, these are cattle...steaks on the hoof. They might smell funny to you, but they smell like money to us...get over it.
Don't like it? Rt. 70 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So, you drive a $60,000 car. Big woop-dee-do, we're really impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So what if everyone in southern Indiana waves. It's called being friendly. Try to grasp the concept.

7. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

8. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck is coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

9. That;s right, we eat taters & gravy, beans & cornbread. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available down at the corner bait shop.

10. We still open doors for women. And that's applied to ALL women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu, you pretentious clod, just order the steak. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick out the 2 lbs of ham & turkey.

12. When we set a table here, we have three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. And three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah, and we don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff, IT AIN'T REAL CHILI,,,

13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. College and High School Football are as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

16. Yes, we have several golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? They're all over the state. We have State Universities , Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. The graduates come outta there with an education plus a love for God and their country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

18. We have a whole ton of our folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, I promise you WILL get whipped by the best.

19. And, for crying out loud, turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap with the filthy lyrics ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your dumb ass boxers. Refer back to #1.

20. No, 4 inches of snow isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive in it like you got some sense, and DON'T go buying up all our bread, milk and eggs from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska, worst case might be that you have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.

Any of this upsetting to you? Refer back to #4.

:devil:
Click to expand...


{{{{{{Smooth}}}}}} :kiss: :heart:

Thank you for posting that. It applies to WI too. I think #20 is my favorite. Hope you are having a wonderful weekend. :D
 
smoothdevil said:
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them.

They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered.

It was a simple place... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment.

Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove.

It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron.
What was strange about it was its location it was suspended in midair
by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist.
"It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer.
"The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics.
By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning.
Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.

When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why
he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.

His answer was succinct...

"Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."

:devil:
Click to expand...

ROTFLMAO! :D
 
Sexual Statistics

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman.
He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest shlongs and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."
 
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
 
Icey*Fire said:
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
Click to expand...

Good morning Icey ~ Thank you for the funny. :D Hope you are having a wonderful weekend.
 
 
2wild2care said:
I got a bit of yoga practice in at the weekend.... it's really easy..!!!

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3209/4553819141_58de601998_o.jpg

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3412/4554452872_3db7c6379e_o.jpg

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3455/4553819231_60867db5be_o.jpg

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3127/4554452950_964cf5c3e3_o.jpg

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3055/4554452998_10454bdd7a_o.jpg

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3413/4554453046_d81ef1faf6_o.jpg

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3483/4553819415_a563699a27_o.jpg

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3592/4553819471_77f43a631f_o.jpg

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3538/4554453186_d41f45d748_o.jpg
Click to expand...

{{{{{2wild}}}}} That is marvelous! I gave a printout of that to my yoga instructor last year. I got the rep as being the class "troublemaker." ;)
 
SOUTHERN BAPTIST LADY


The lady was a Southern Baptist. She attended services and taught Sunday School at the local Baptist church in Alexandria, Missouri.

One Sunday an out-of-town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection the man leaned forward and said, "How about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
He appeared to be a fine gentleman. "Why yes that would be lovely" she responded.

Well the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in the area.

When they sat down the gentleman suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh No!" said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well our gentleman was set back a bit so he didn't say much until after dinner when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He asked, "Would you like a smoke?"

"My goodness gracious, No!" said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!"

Well our boy felt pretty low after that so they soon left the place, got in his car, and as he was driving the lady home they passed by the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh... mmm how would you like to stop at this hotel?"

"Sure, that would be lovely" she said in anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his own ears and did an immediate U-turn and drove to the hotel.

The next morning, after a wonderful rendezvous, the gentleman woke up. He looked at the sleeping lovely Dixie darling lying there in bed. A remorseful thought crossed his mind, What the hell have I done?

He woke her up and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing. Whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

She said, "The same thing I always tell them. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

:devil:
 
smoothdevil said:
SOUTHERN BAPTIST LADY


The lady was a Southern Baptist. She attended services and taught Sunday School at the local Baptist church in Alexandria, Missouri.

One Sunday an out-of-town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection the man leaned forward and said, "How about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
He appeared to be a fine gentleman. "Why yes that would be lovely" she responded.

Well the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in the area.

When they sat down the gentleman suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh No!" said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well our gentleman was set back a bit so he didn't say much until after dinner when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He asked, "Would you like a smoke?"

"My goodness gracious, No!" said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!"

Well our boy felt pretty low after that so they soon left the place, got in his car, and as he was driving the lady home they passed by the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh... mmm how would you like to stop at this hotel?"

"Sure, that would be lovely" she said in anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his own ears and did an immediate U-turn and drove to the hotel.

The next morning, after a wonderful rendezvous, the gentleman woke up. He looked at the sleeping lovely Dixie darling lying there in bed. A remorseful thought crossed his mind, What the hell have I done?

He woke her up and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing. Whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

She said, "The same thing I always tell them. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

:devil:
Click to expand...

Thank you {{{{{{Smooth}}}}} :kiss: That is great! :D
 
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