Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

Eating Out:
When the bill arrives, even though it's only for $32.50, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Automobiles:
A man can identify any American-made vehicle as to year, make and model going back to the early 1900s. This also applies to Lambourghinis, Porches, Ferraris, Jaguars and Maseratis.
A woman can tell you that the current car she drive has either 4 doors or 2.

Success:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book or go get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals, but still wear his boots.

Marriage:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

 

[smoothdevil]

Eating Out:
When the bill arrives, even though it's only for $32.50, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Automobiles:
A man can identify any American-made vehicle as to year, make and model going back to the early 1900s. This also applies to Lambourghinis, Porches, Ferraris, Jaguars and Maseratis.
A woman can tell you that the current car she drive has either 4 doors or 2.

Success:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book or go get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals, but still wear his boots.

Marriage:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

so much truth in there ... lol lol ... great

 

[newbiebabe]

A friend sent this to me today and I laughed so hard... hope you all enjoy:

http://vodpod.com/watch/1548742-sweden-got-talent-naked-guys-dancing

 

[kayte]

Two Ladies Talking In Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ... we'd both still be alive.

 

[kayte]

A friend sent this to me today and I laughed so hard... hope you all enjoy:

http://vodpod.com/watch/1548742-sweden-got-talent-naked-guys-dancing

Thank you so much newbiebabe ~ That is hysterical.

 

[kayte]

Happy Hump Day!

4 Sophie Tucker Jokes

1. I will never forget it you know? I was in bed one night with my boyfriend Ernie and he said to me, "Soph, how come you never tell me when you're having an orgasm?" I said to him, "Ernie, you're never around!"

2. I will never forget it you know? It was on the occasion of Ernie's eightieth birthday. He rang me up and said, "Soph! Soph! I just married myself a twenty-year old girl. What do you think of that?"
I said to him, "Ernie, when I am eighty I shall marry me a twenty-year old boy. And let me tell you something Ernie: Twenty GOES INTO eighty a heckova lot more than eighty GOES INTO twenty!"

3. I will never forget it you know? It was on the occasion of my eightieth birthday. My boyfriend Ernie bought for me a tombstone, and on that tombstone he inscribed: HERE LIES SOPH. COLD AS USUAL.
Not being one to take that kind of thing lying down, I went out and bought Ernie a tombstone, and on that tombstone I had inscribed: HERE LIES ERNIE -- STIFF AT LAST!

4. Sometimes I like to go to the doctor myself. There's nothing wrong with me, I just enjoy the stirrups.
One time I came home from a FABULOUS check up. I said "Ernie, guess what? The doctor said I have the constitution of a 20 year old girl. He says I have the heart, lungs, and liver of a 20 year old girl."
Ernie looked me up and down. He said "Hey, did he mention your 80 year old ass."
I said "No, we didn't talk about you!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Airport full-body scanners


Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.

Someone needs to create a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you!

It would be a win-win for everyone - there would be none of this nonsense about racial profiling and it would eliminate a long and expensive trial.

Justice would be quick and swift. This is so simple that it's brilliant.

Case Closed!

I can see it now:

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,
"Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number..."

Perfect!

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

"Elk Sex"

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 12 times a night?"

"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

$7 Dollar Sex

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There'sabsolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse
with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ' I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married so we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50,

and I get $43 back from Medicare.

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Brings a tear to your eye

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because,' she replied, 'I miss mine.'

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it??

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

The Truth Hurts

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mmm, I have something to tell you.......................I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response and the son was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay... doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"

The son said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mmm, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said..................

"Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!!!"

 

[kayte]

Airport full-body scanners


Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.

Someone needs to create a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you!

It would be a win-win for everyone - there would be none of this nonsense about racial profiling and it would eliminate a long and expensive trial.

Justice would be quick and swift. This is so simple that it's brilliant.

Case Closed!

I can see it now:

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,
"Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number..."

Perfect!

Absolutely Perfect!

 

[kayte]

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mmm, I have something to tell you.......................I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response and the son was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay... doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"

The son said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mmm, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said..................

"Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!!!"

Thank you for all of the funnies HBF ~ This one just has such a big grin on my face. Hope you had a Happy Hump Day.

 

[Slow Ride469]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
> gentleman and an elderly lady
> struck up a conversation and discovered that
> they both loved to fish.
>
> Since both of them were widowed,
>
> they decided to go fishing together the next day.
>
> The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
> headed to the river to his fishing boat and
> started out on their adventure.
> They were riding down the river when there was a
> fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
> "Do you want to go up or down?"
>
> All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
> and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
> right there in the boat !
>
> When they finished, the man couldn't believe
> what had just happened, but he had just experienced
> the best sex that he'd had in years.
> They fished for a while and continued on down the
> river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
> river.
>
> He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
>
> There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
> and made wild passionate love to him again.
>
> This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
> he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
>
> She said yes and there they were the next day,
> riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
> river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"
>
> The woman replied, "Down."
>
> A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
> guided the boat down the river when he came upon
> another fork in the river and he asked the
> lady,"Up or down ?"
>
> She replied, "Up."
>
> This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
> "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
> you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
> passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
>
> She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
> my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
> fuck or drown."

 

[thesan]

Old, Old pilot

You think you have lived to be 89 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell.

*****






An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'



He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'


She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'


The two sat sipping in silence.


A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, "are you a real pilot?"


He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

 

[2wild2care]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

'Does this taste funny to you ?'

 

[MsTexas]

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mmm, I have something to tell you.......................I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response and the son was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay... doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"

The son said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mmm, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said..................

"Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!!!"

LMAO

Love it!!

 

[kayte]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
> gentleman and an elderly lady
> struck up a conversation and discovered that
> they both loved to fish.
>
> Since both of them were widowed,
>
> they decided to go fishing together the next day.
>
> The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
> headed to the river to his fishing boat and
> started out on their adventure.
> They were riding down the river when there was a
> fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
> "Do you want to go up or down?"
>
> All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
> and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
> right there in the boat !
>
> When they finished, the man couldn't believe
> what had just happened, but he had just experienced
> the best sex that he'd had in years.
> They fished for a while and continued on down the
> river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
> river.
>
> He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
>
> There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
> and made wild passionate love to him again.
>
> This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
> he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
>
> She said yes and there they were the next day,
> riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
> river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"
>
> The woman replied, "Down."
>
> A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
> guided the boat down the river when he came upon
> another fork in the river and he asked the
> lady,"Up or down ?"
>
> She replied, "Up."
>
> This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
> "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
> you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
> passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
>
> She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
> my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
> fuck or drown."

Very funny {{{{{SR}}}}} Nice to see you.

 

[kayte]

. I'm confused ... No wait ... Maybe I'm not.

2. Despite the look on my face, you're still talking?

3. Dyslexics Untie!

4. Embarrassing my children: Just one more service I offer.

5. Getting married was her idea.

6. Mess with me, and you mess with the whole trailer park.

7. 333 - I'm only half evil.

8. Buy this man a beer!

9. If a man speaks in the forest, but there is no woman to hear him, IS HE STILL WRONG?

10. I would do me.

 

[kayte]

Old, Old pilot

You think you have lived to be 89 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell.

*****






An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'



He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'


She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'


The two sat sipping in silence.


A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, "are you a real pilot?"


He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Thank you thesan! That is great.

 

[2wild2care]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.

It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

[kayte]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.

It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Groans....

Thank you {{{{{2wild}}}} That has me grinning.

 

[kayte]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cockwas missing.

He knew about cock fights in the village so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation,


'Has anybody got a cock?'

All the men stood up


'No, no', he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.

'No, no,' He said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'

Half the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen MY cock?'

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest is still in coma…

 

[DeliciousInRed]

This made me Laugh today.....



http://mypetjawa.mu.nu/archives/776.jpg

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