Lessons Learned

[littlebirdjoy]

Nice ^__^ I about dropped my teeth the first time he managed to dirty talk me in French. ^__^ that was a first for him. It was a huge compliment that he trusted me so much to be willing to open that up where he never ever has. ♡
The first time he managed to call me dirty little slut was actually in French and the funny bit was my reply was to brightly reply "OOH OHH! I KNOW THAT ONE!" Lol! Granted he never asked how I know that one ^__^ it is a very funny embarrassing story too. High school, completely innocent. Picked the wrong multiple meaning word for a project on clothing. :/ I mean... I looked up the right word.... just didnt read the other meanings ** facepalm** my teacher was redder than I get trying to explain to me that that specific wording would not get across what I intended. WHOOPS!

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I dont think I had any such **language** faux pas when I was on exchange. A couple behavior ones yeah. The most notable and funny... ok I'm super goody two shoes and I dont know anything about anything. I'm really sheltered. People always make fun of me about this. So my host took a whole bunch of us on a camping trip. suffice to say a hell of a lot other than camping went on. I decided to hang out by the lake and skip rocks instead. when I was leaving my host, Margot, gave me a necklace. I thought it was super cool. It was brass and um.. it had a secret compartment! I thought it was so nifty for carrying secret messages. (gimmie a break I come from the world of Mezuzahs ok... I was thinking that direction :/ welllllll I wore it months before my aunt came to visit. She took one look at it nearly pissed herself laughing. she asked me what I thought it was. i was all happy and told her Margot gave it to me and look how cool it is! You can hide notes inside! She was like mmhmm yep... but usually people hide ... other things inside. Other things? apparently it was pretty common in the 70s to hide drugs in it :/
Yeah... i was mortified. She got me good though!

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Rooting Yourself​

The other day my Daddy had the chance to hear me on the phone talking to a dear friend and work colleague. I think it was the first time he was actually **watching** me on the phone not just hearing me, and in order for me to not be self conscious about it I even minimized the call screen so I wasnt watching him watch me. The call was pretty animated as we were discussing something relatively emotionally charged. She had been reprimanded that day over something really complex and I was strategizing with her. She is not only my friend, but also a lovely lady who has worked under me for three years. I also introduced her to her husband and kinda recommended her to him to consider for marriage (cultural thing).
Anyhow, I was not paying attention to his impression of me, I was just doing me and being girly with my friend. When I got off the phone I was kinda blushy and noted that that was the first time he had actually seen me talk on the phone. He said yes and asked me a very pointed question:
When you are talking you feel it *here* and he pointed to a place on his chest not the heart, but between the throat and soarplexis, I said YEP. He said, yeah that makes sense. Then he proceeded to tell me that most people probably feel very overwhelmed by my intensity and my energy. That I'm frequently misunderstood as argumentative when I'm actually feeling passionate about a subject (understatement of the century.)
He proceeded to tell me I need to work on literally thinking about my feet when I talk with people. I can say the exact same words, but if I want people to understand me and react to my words not my presence I need to literally ground myself more.
He then proceeded to tell me at least I only have to go from there to the ground, he has to go from his head to the ground as he is far too cerebral. ^__^

I've not yet had very much practice and I know it is going to be a getting used to thing. I also know that may seem to fuzzy woowoo for a ton of people, and that is okay too. If anything it is forcing me to be more conscious of how my emotions are expressed through my body language and tone, which is never a bad thing.


Another growth I've had, an own it moment that finally came yesterday, is that not every contact or acquaintance who moves on their way (or I send along) is a loss. I used to really hurt over people who decided that they did not want to be part of my life. I was very reminiscent of PinkeyPie and Cranky
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnzN20Tstog

It didnt really factor in what they brought to my life; whether it was joy or misery, help, or expectations... I just respected them as a person and wanted to count them as part of my life. I've been working on the concept that my emotions belong to my Master, as does my energy... so anyone who messes with my emotions does not have the right to a place in my life. It has been slow going, and it was especially hard where it came to people I felt wrongly responsible for. It took a long time to let that go.
Earlier last week I had to make the decision to let someone who was being particularly unpleasant find the door, and while it saddened me a bit to lose the opportunity for a friendship, it honestly made me feel very proud of myself that in doing so it did not bother me particularly. I was able to stay grounded in my relationship and what was important.
Yesterday was my own it moment. Out of nowhere someone who had been a play partner briefly showed back up. We had had a really good connection before, as we are both from the same area where I live currently, and that is RARE. We had even considered getting together for a session (no sexual play, he is a rigger and wanted to have some fun with that.) Yes, it had all been okayed and even planned with my Master. He considered it a really good opportunity. When the person disappeared off the face of the earth a few months back it really saddened me. When he appeared again he gave me a whole song and dance about not wanting to get attached, liking me more than he intended etc... none of which rang true at all. Perhaps it was, perhaps it wasnt... but what is true is this: I had reached out to him a few times when things in my life were particularly hairy and i needed a friend. He did not have the time or inclination to write to me then. So my response was to thank him for getting back in touch. Telling him I'm glad he is in a good place in his life. Then telling him I'm sorry, but I really don't have space in my life and circle of people for someone who is going to flake on me like that... especially if what he said were actually true, it would not be wise. And then i closed the window. ... it did not hurt me, it did not stress me, it did not mess with my heart or mind. That is progress.


For the record... he also seeks to help me learn to hold my own emotionally so that he doesnt actually effect me so steeply. He wants me rooted in myself and in the knowledge that we have never ever had a fight. We are coming up on 11 months, and in all that time the only disagreements we have ever had have been the result of misunderstandings or miscommunications. He has never ever intentionally hurt me or hurt me out of thoughtlessness.
He will be happy when the word "hurt" is removed from my vocabulary as an immediate emotional response. I'm still working on that one.

~Faithfully His;
Angie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvI9PuGorwI
https://voca.ro/iwyUKJb3t9o
https://voca.ro/8Vghy8N868T
https://voca.ro/kNPxAPeXkaO

 

[littlebirdjoy]

>.< Wonders never cease, and I'm completely at a loss.

I still havent sent the "titles" email as he hasnt had the chance to read it yet.

Today I was doing a really particularly good job on the eliptical and when I did the math I managed to run 4.75 miles this morning without sitting down or stopping! I was so proud of me and I messaged in the family chat to ask permission to deviate from the agreed upon plan and go for the full 5 when he wakes instead of stopping at 15 min on the timer past breaking a sweat. I really wanted to hit the 5.

She always wakes up hours and hours before he does and the reply i got just makes me go *scratch head... you DID meet him on Fet right? you ARE listed as a submissive right? I confused!!!!*

So her reply is... "you dont need to ask his permission to work out."
Um.... no... and yes. No i dont in general because it is what we have agreed upon as a goal and he is following with my doctors and is very much an active participant in this area of my life, but I DO have to ask permission to deviate from what we (and the drs) have agreed upon. I belong to him. Physical self included. So I have no right to hurt me or do differently with me than he would allow if he were awake or physically present.

I'm still waiting for a reaction on that one.

I truly don't get it though. This is a moment I wish we could just sit down and trade brains for just a few minues so we could understand eachother. I dont like knowing she doesnt understand. I dont like that she feels uncomfortable, but I've been told not to hide these parts of our relationship from her (we dont do secrets) and I wont dilute myself just to make it follow her conception of what a relationship should be.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxo3Jy3p8zo
need one of these.

PS... my 16 year old groked the relationship dynamic within 15 minutes and never batted an eyelash at me messaging to run food choices past him etc this past summer. How is it possible that it is so hard for her? mydontgetit!!!!

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Well... got a reply and had no emotional energy to write about it. Still kinda don't. Ball is in his court because there is literally nothing I can say to her to help her understand. Nothing. She is completely and 100% closed off and in her own insecurities. I feel sad for her, because I know how that feels. I wish she could just hear that there is no reason for that at all. No, we don't see things the same way, nor do we have anything at all in common, aside from Him... but that does not say anything negative about her. He has all the positive things to say about her.
He does not WANT her to be me. He loves and respects her exactly as she is. The thing she is butting her head against the wall is the fact that she has self identified with submissive, but when looking at what that actually looks like on an everyday basis outside a sexual connotation all she can do is go WHA? She is her. She is awesome. She is just different. She can't get past her own preconceived notions of what D/s should look like because she has only dealt with in essence bedroom service tops. :/ That has hide nor hair to do with him, or me, or us. If I could have one conversation... just one... with someone it would be with her "mentor/protector" whom she still converses with I think. I kinda want to kick him repeatedly or at least ask him what the fuck he was thinking by not helping her understand the difference. It caused a ton of heartache and unfulfilled expectations on every single which side. :/ Both hers and his. That doesnt mean he would have done it differently, he would not have, he adores her, but he would have known how best to approach it. *sigh*

So the long and the short of it is, I'm going to go quiet for a while, not to him, but to her. When she wants to talk, I'll be here. I'm going nowhere. But I need to give them the space to work this out because she can not hear anything from me, even if it comes from the best of intentions.

How to turn this into a lesson? I dunno. I wonder if anyone has been in a similar situation and has succeeded in breaking through that understanding wall. No one wants to change her (please please don't lol. It gives me my space and her hers) but at least for her to understand it so it gives her peace! So that she understands she is 100% okay, and so am I. She is completely stuck in this concept that anything smelling of real genuine submission, even on a very basic level is oppression, abuse, negative.

blerg. Constructive advice welcome.

 

[soulfulfriend]

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulty you are facing. My gut tells me that you have laid the ground work:

-Made yourself available to talk.
-Asked questions to clarify the situation.
-You have expressed empathy.
-You have given space for contemplation (and your Master is aware)

The most important part now is to depersonalize and be patient as things work there way through. There are these situations where our personal beliefs make us feel judged because someone is not comfortable with them. This often reminds me of when I meditate\pray and my spiritual side finds strength in that being as being feminine. If you only knew how often I get chastised for this. This is my personal relationship and interpretation where I don't feel I need acknowledgment or acceptance (only with them). So perhaps it is the same between you and your Master when we talk about our relationships with each other.

Perhaps this is a good opportunity to observe and learn about being in a multi-partner relationship. It might just be an important guiding gift to get you to a place of peace. I'm sure you might agree that your ability to analyze and take things apart and find the deeper meaning is quite astonishing. By the way that as not a mental bribe. Just saying sometimes you need to take a breath and run at their pace. Ultimately there is no win if you reach the finish line without them.

Additionally, atleast for me, I sit and write things out in my personal journal the things I can't say out loud. This is the way I acknowledge how I feel, even when I know my interpretation is shorted sided. Its about getting the negative thoughts out so I can pursue the true, strong and honor my place in this world.

.... Seems to me that a good friend told me this not that long ago.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Thank you <3
Ball is in his court and I know he will handle everything in the right way.

Related, but came from a completely different conversation last night "But thinking ahead logically and especially thinking "for" the men in your life is contrary to your nature. It shows that you don't trust them."

My reaction was to literally cringe, but it is true. So no, I'm not logicing (yes, I'm aware it isnt a word) this out, or problem solving it "for" him. It isnt mine to do, and I do trust him.

This, right here, is becically my journaling it out.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Pety Jealousy and Lions ​

Today was a fantastic day following a very tough night. I am having a crash course in focusing on the moment and not living in hope of the future. It is funny because it is something I harp on with him on occasion. He never lives in the present moment and revels in the current success. When we succeed in one thing, his mind immediately is on to the "next step" and I have to reign him in and say "Hey, this here, this is worth celebrating, at least for today." (I have permission to do this, this is one way we balance eachother.)
His mind is logical, it is always planning out the next step. This is his escape.

For me, I do the same, but not with planning, with anticipating. I live through expectations of whatever I'm looking forward to. I live for that moment, that thing, and sometimes it prevents me for focusing on enjoying the present moment the same way.

We have been planning our summer trip on and off for a few months, and last night we hit a bit of a snag. It seems like what we had originally planned won't work out the way it was in my mind, and even if it does it would not necessarily be a positive thing. This was really hard on me (not by his intent) because it brought back a ton of hurts visited on me by my ex. We had made "plans" three times in the past, and every time he ripped it out from under my feel as though it were the carrot he held in font of me and then laughed when he handed me paper. The familiar feeling of hurt, even though it was nothing at all alike threatened to overwhelm me. Luckily in the car on the way to a very important outing with my daughter I was able to put it in perspective:

Yesterday was huge and important in our relationship. I had succeeded in doing the thing that he still needed of me that I had a huge fear based mental block on. It was the very last thing that I knew he needed and wanted of me as a submissive to be a happy man. i succeeded. So i had all of those emotions, all that high... then to come face to face with perceived repeated negative history was a big crash = made exponentially worse by the emotions of earlier in the day. So I made the conscious decision to stop living in the expectation of what may or may not happen in the summer and focus instead on all of the current things.
#1 I succeeded yesterday. I made him very very proud and happy.
#2 I was headed to do something really special with my kiddo (with his support)
#3 we are planning our trip, whatever form it takes and he does want to see me and he will find a way to spend what time he can with me, my son, and my mom.

All of those things were my focus today and that assumed hurt lifted.

​

Then I had a heck of an ego boost followed by another lesson from my Master.
I got asked out.... twice... while I was out today. no, i'm not that remarkable that it should have happened, nor was I doing anything that shouted "come hither!" no. It is just the weird phenomenon of the "foreign chick" here. It isn't something to be happy about, but I won't like it is a bit of an ego boost, just a small one. I was a bit nervous about telling him though, because it was a huge source of contention with my ex.... both of them... every time something like that would happen it would bother/anger them. It was part of the reason my ex husband refused to allow me out. After kinda hedging around it and explaining it away he topped me and reminded me that he understood based upon the culture, but he also said the following which made me really stop and again acknolwedge how in awe of him I am.
"I know what I own, and I'm not afraid to lose it."
I stopped and I thought about that and clarified "because you know you won't?" "correct. If you have to be jealous or concerned about losing what you own, then it is because a) you do not really own it or b)because you realize you don't deserve to."
.... wow.
"it is related somehow to the concept you told me before that 'a lion does not turn around and look at the barking dog', right?" "right. There is nothing so sad as a person who has such low self esteem that they have to constantly fear losing what they "have" because then they truly have nothing. That person is essentially a house of cards."

At that point I thanked him for teaching me, because it is rare for me to really learn something. He acknowledged that as true. It is a concept i need to work on, because self esteem is something that I truly don't consider enough/ give enough weight to in my own life.

It made me feel very loved and happy that he truly does feel that he owns me, and thus does not need to fear losing me. (accurate.)
It also made me happy to once again have it confirmed that he really is an interesting person, and someone I have a lot to learn from.

~Faithfully His,
Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Every month I pick three quotes to print, laminate, and hang in my work area. One goes on my own desk, one goes in my classroom, one goes in a common area. My students get a treat if they come to talk to me about one, or if I see them stop to read it.

This is where I started my year, and it is where I return today:

Desiderata
GO PLACIDLY amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
​

By Max Ehrmann © 1927

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Well.... I'm not sure how this "lesson" will be received... as it is a lesson in progress. It is one I'm not sure if I'm learning, or he is learning, or we both are, but it will prove to be an important one.

So I am rarely given "tasks" specifically. Rather I know what pleases my Master, and i do it without being asked. On the rare occasion I miss a cue, or an opportunity he will prompt me. The other night was a slight exception to this pattern. Master was apparently quite distracted at work and sought my help with something, by giving me a task. He gave me a very brief time frame to get it accomplished. He joked that it was good practice for my research skills.

Details aside... I failed. I did not succeed in the 5 minutes. I was able to find something that by name would work and sent that with the note that I was unsure. Then After the 5 minutes I continued looking for something *right* and sent those about 10 minutes later.

He was disappointed by the first, and a conversation ensued on the way home. He was not upset. He was not angry, but some of the wording got under my skin. The jist was that he wasnt looking for "random" etc. This rankled as there was nothing random at all. To say random is to say thoughtless. So I asked if it would help to know how I got there to see it was not "random" at all. He noted that one of my main search categories was not a thing... to which I asked then why have 4 of the 7 things you've shown me been about that? He hadn't realized I pay that much attention. Oh yes indeedy I do.

So then it came to the important question: Why hadn't I asked for more time instead of sending what I was unsure of?
>.< Because you gave me a timeframe. Because that was what you needed.

A very heated conversation ensued the bones of it is this:
He believes that if I could not complete the task in the timeframe given i should have asked for more time. I disagree. I believe that if he gives me a timeframe then he has a damn good reason for it, and I need to move mountains as best I can to meet it.
He countered that perhaps there was something he hadnt taken into account and I needed to inform him of that. That right there is the lynch pin. This isnt work, this isnt vanilla. He isnt my husband, boyfriend, or boss... he is my Master... I HAVE to believe that when he gives me a directive he has thought of everything. I should NOT be second guessing him. I have to believe in my bones that if he told me do ABC that ABC is exactly what I should be doing. That he believes it is safe and possible to be done.
blerg.

The wording i used wasn't the best, but my point stands. I told him that this was a lesson I was unwilling and unable to learn, because it would undermine my trust in and respect for him. That there is a difference between asking me for a favor and giving me a command. When he gives me a command I will follow through with it to the letter of the law, because that is who I am. He says often that we only fail when we fail to be who we truly are. To try to second guess him would be to fail to be who i truly am.

So in the end I was left a bit angry. I don't do angry... but i was angry. I was left feeling like I was given to way to succeed, and that was due to things he knew and failed to take into consideration. (my internet sucks ass and he knows this. I also lack experience in the thing he was asking me to do, so it wasnt a matter of me just flipping to something I know well, and copying a link.) He noted that neither of these things had he taken into account.

He told me to head to bed and that everything would be fine in the morning. It is and it isnt. I'm still very disquieted. It isnt about the specifics. That is over. It is what it is. The first thing I sent was off. The last one I sent (10 min after the deadline) was perfect. The point is: He thinks I should discuss issues and ask for an extension because maybe there was something he didnt take into account.... I believe strongly that unless the command risks life and limb (physical or emotional damage) I should NOT question.

I pointed out our contract says as much. I'm kinda in limbo over this still, as we have no way to really discuss it again until Monday. I'm not sure we will discuss it again... and I dislike my wording "this isnt a lesson I'm willing to learn."... I dislike it, but it was honest. It IS a lesson I am unwilling to learn, because of what it will do... it will undermine his authority over me.

blerg.

I'll be quiet a couple days due to work needs ... but I will read any replies. I'm interested in constructive thoughts.

~Faithfully His,
Angie

 

[cookiecat]

A couple questions:

1. Would some kind of punishment have been more satisfactory for you? He gave you a five minute time frame and, according to him, you failed.

2. Do you see it as a failure on his part? You got the task done in five minutes. Do you think his command wasn't clear enough?

3. Do you feel you should have been commended for finishing in the time frame he gave you even though it wasn't what he needed?

A couple observations:

Giving any one person that much omniscience feels like a great way for this kind of butt-hurt and miscommunication. I understand Master / slave needs super clear expectations. This issue is (for me) a great example that not much can be this black and white.

You mention not finishing the task within five minutes would betray you as a slave because that's what he told you to do.

But now you're arguing his request that you ask for more time and the use of his word "random" isn't sitting right with you.

Fair points up for discussion, but it seems you got past the discussion phase into the "listen to me, dang it!' phase.

Why isn't your slave heart telling you to listen to what he's saying?

Why not figure out a way to say "thank you Master for giving me some grace" rather than say this is a lesson you're unwilling to learn?

You can't pick and choose which words you believe. He gave you a task to complete in five minutes. You finished what you could in that time frame because he said five minutes. Discussion ensues. He's not answering in the way you want. What answer would have satisfied you?

 

[littlebirdjoy]

A couple questions:

1. Would some kind of punishment have been more satisfactory for you? He gave you a five minute time frame and, according to him, you failed.

2. Do you see it as a failure on his part? You got the task done in five minutes. Do you think his command wasn't clear enough?

3. Do you feel you should have been commended for finishing in the time frame he gave you even though it wasn't what he needed?

A couple observations:

Giving any one person that much omniscience feels like a great way for this kind of butt-hurt and miscommunication. I understand Master / slave needs super clear expectations. This issue is (for me) a great example that not much can be this black and white.

You mention not finishing the task within five minutes would betray you as a slave because that's what he told you to do.

But now you're arguing his request that you ask for more time and the use of his word "random" isn't sitting right with you.

Fair points up for discussion, but it seems you got past the discussion phase into the "listen to me, dang it!' phase.

Why isn't your slave heart telling you to listen to what he's saying?

Why not figure out a way to say "thank you Master for giving me some grace" rather than say this is a lesson you're unwilling to learn?

You can't pick and choose which words you believe. He gave you a task to complete in five minutes. You finished what you could in that time frame because he said five minutes. Discussion ensues. He's not answering in the way you want. What answer would have satisfied you?

#1 I love you. Thank you. Thank you for contributing. All very valid questions.
Because the subject matter was sexual I didn't go into alllllll the details, and some of it was pertinent to the understanding and answering the questions. I tend to go into too much detail when the topic is emotional/mental and none of them when it is sexual/physical.

So the details that were missed: he had a very short window of opportunity at work to slide off for a moment of privacy and he wanted me to send him something to look at. I know the topics he likes (usually) but I'm not a big porn watcher, so my "find it quick" skills are WEAK! I sent something that by title should have worked, but one of the concepts is that something needs to be at least 7-10 min. The issue is that within 5 minutes there is no way for me to find, load, and watch it to be sure it doesnt go sideways. We had this issue a couple months back that really hurt him because I had watched like 5 in one way and sent him two i really liked, but i forgot a small part in one which dealt with sadism (he is not into it at all) and he thought that that was my quiet way of telling him i am into that and yeah.... it was a ton of heartache because when he was asking me questions I still didnt even remember that part. lol. anyway, lesson learned that I need to watch it ALL before sending anything. ..... but in 5 minutes if it HAS to be 7-10 min it is literally impossible. I'm also in a literal third world country so it is hell to even load a page. Those stupid "you can skip this ad in 5 seconds... 2 minutes later...."

So when he got the first one to watch (which i was veeerrryyyyy clear to note I had NOT been able to watch in the timeframe) it did in fact go sideways. Not in a bad way... but definitely in a why the fuck would you send >ME< this. Cool for others, has nothing to do with us. It was a product of search results and timeframe constraints. The title made it appear legitly applicable and the thumbnail seemed to jive along with the 93% thumbs up rating, I thought I was in relatively safe territory.

1. Would some kind of punishment have been more satisfactory for you? He gave you a five minute time frame and, according to him, you failed.
Important clarification, according to ME I failed. lol. he never used the word. He completely skipped that and instead sent me what worked for him, but then went to discussing the concept of "random" that not all things work, and it needs to have ABC things to be useful to him. Would a punishment have been warranted? I think I'd honestly have pouted, like now, but I always accept. I think what I was trying to communicate to him was that there was no way to succeed. Even on brass tacks: i have 5 min to send a 7+min video and the rule is i have to watch it all before sending it. Unless I had a ready made stash of videos all ready to go and send... it was a lost effort to begin.

2. Do you see it as a failure on his part? You got the task done in five minutes. Do you think his command wasn't clear enough?
I think it was an impossible task. I was unintentionally set up to fail, and I don't think that is who he is. The task was very clear. I understood EXACTLY what he wanted, and I did my darndest to complete it within the timeframe. I'm not even posting about THAT part. I failed. Whoopdedo. It happens. I am not mad at me for failing in this case, because it wasnt lack of effort or anything inside my control (but you better bet in the two interveneing days I've absolutely spent time looking at things and setting them aside for just such a moment) ... what upset me and why I'm seeking advice is the concept that he believes i should have known to ask for more time... he believes I should have second guessed the request. I should have come back and said "I cant do this because XYZ that is not life threatening/endangering and I want to edit your task." This is a mentality that I'm really actually worried about. I could be completely off base, and it seems like you are leaning towards that I am, and I do respect your opinion very much.

3. Do you feel you should have been commended for finishing in the time frame he gave you even though it wasn't what he needed?
Hahaha, I'm not part of the generation that needs a medal for participation, no. He does a really really great job of making me feel loved and appreciated so I'm not hurting for appreciation. I definitely don't feel that he needed to commend me, but I think that the immediate jump to a concept that I was thouhtless, hurt. It as the unsaid, not the said. That he went to again explain the things that turn him on when watching someone other than me... hurt... because it said that he believed I didnt know him well enough by now. Then the fact that he said "sending me something random just within the timeframe That was just ***ow!!!*** I'm not thoughtless, not ever! I wasnt angry, I was sad and hurt. That's why instead of arguing outright I asked if it would help to know what search results led me to that video so that he could see where the thought WAS. He replied that it didnt need "helping" that he was never upset.

Giving any one person that much omniscience feels like a great way for this kind of butt-hurt and miscommunication. I understand Master / slave needs super clear expectations. This issue is (for me) a great example that not much can be this black and white.

nods. I agree that it is a great example of the need for clear communication and forethought. I should have thought in advance to have some things set aside. Anytime a task is given the constraints need to be thought about. If he were the type to like to play with funishment or setting me up for failure and that was a part of our dynamic *you bet* but we arent, that isnt who we are. I know it is not hard at all to be the Master and keep all of that in mind... I think that's part of why it was so jarring, it is so out of character.

You mention not finishing the task within five minutes would betray you as a slave because that's what he told you to do.
But now you're arguing his request that you ask for more time and the use of his word "random" isn't sitting right with you.

Fair points up for discussion, but it seems you got past the discussion phase into the "listen to me, dang it!' phase. (I love you, you made me crack up so much, and I can't even say that isn't accurate. I don't usually argue, but I will argue when I view something as a danger *to us* I will fight *for us*. I think we skipped the discussion phase because he went directly to the lecture phase without hearing what the heck happened, or acknowledging the caveats I wrote when sending it "I wasnt able to watch it all so I'm not 100% sure this is right. I'm still trying to get it to load!" And then the fact that I posted two others after the timeframe after things loaded and noted that *these* are right.

Why isn't your slave heart telling you to listen to what he's saying? [/p]
I'm not being defensive about the topic, the topic itself is completely ancilary. It is the main concept that "I should have assumed that he didn't remember the constraints and asked for an extension which translates to I should have second guessed the task. This is the concept that I have this huge mental block over because I think it is outright dangerous to our dynamic. Even he pointed out not a week before that i "think for" the men in my life that I don't trust... so he is asking me to "think for" and second guess him?! Just... WHAT? It is my slave heart that is rebelling and saying... no... im NOT supposed to second guess you. If you tell me to do something then i have to believe you have thought it all out. i have to believe that you have a damn good reason. If I am having that niggling doubt in the back of my mind that says "well maybe he didnt remember XYZ" then that right there is a dangerous doubt in the end.

Why not figure out a way to say "thank you Master for giving me some grace" rather than say this is a lesson you're unwilling to learn?

That part of the conversation absolutely did happen, but it happened waaaayyyyyyy before the part of the conversation regarding "you should have asked me for more time. I didnt remember the internet issue or the fact that you have next to no experience searching for this kind of thing." The lesson I meant was the "you should second guess me." That one truly feels like it would completely undermine us.

You can't pick and choose which words you believe. He gave you a task to complete in five minutes. You finished what you could in that time frame because he said five minutes. Discussion ensues. He's not answering in the way you want. What answer would have satisfied you?
That right there, the underlined point is my whole concept. I was honestly completely and totally relieved when he told me he didnt take into consideration the internet suckage or my lack of experience (that right there made the choke hold on my heart go) ... he and I are having no issue at all... but the part that has me still disquieted and why I'm seeking advice is to find out of im completely off base in thinking i should not second guess him. That he thinks i should have. Yes, in this case there were things he hadnt taken into consideration... but when we are talking about an honest to goodness moving towards 24/7 life M/s relationship... assuming that he knows exactly what he is asking when he asks it has to be the fall back, doesn't it?

If I'm completely off base I'm listening. Sincerely.

~Angie

 

[Chewbacca79]

I'm struggling to see why there should be blame or guilt on either side here.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Nobody said there should be? The question is not blame or guilt... my question is entirely revolving around the concept "you should have known to ask me for more time." = I should have second guessed that he knew exactly what he was asking of me.

 

[Chewbacca79]

Nobody said there should be? The question is not blame or guilt... my question is entirely revolving around the concept "you should have known to ask me for more time." = I should have second guessed that he knew exactly what he was asking of me.

Maybe it's the hangover, but I'm struggling with the very concept.
Are you a mind reader?
Can I assume, perhaps wrongly, that you are not au fait with the works of Voltaire? I as a friend contact you and say I need THAT quote, I have 5 minutes but I cant find it, I need you to find it, you know, the really famous quote!

Talk about pissing in the wind.

You Google and find perhaps the three top quotes and send me them. None of them are the one I am looking for.

Didn't give you much of a chance, did I?

He set you up to fail, either through intent or a moment of forgetful lack of care. If it's the latter, you can work with that. The former, less so.

Intent is everything.

 

[cookiecat]

Oh Angie. I usually don't wade in to giving advice on long posts. This is why! I didn't have all the facts. I HATE making assumptions, which I did.

The fact you analyze a lot of stuff here is admirable. My brain can't always process so many words, thoughts and feelings.

Sounds like you guys are good.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Maybe it's the hangover, but I'm struggling with the very concept.
Are you a mind reader?
Can I assume, perhaps wrongly, that you are not au fait with the works of Voltaire? I as a friend contact you and say I need THAT quote, I have 5 minutes but I cant find it, I need you to find it, you know, the really famous quote!

Talk about pissing in the wind.

You Google and find perhaps the three top quotes and send me them. None of them are the one I am looking for.

Didn't give you much of a chance, did I?

He set you up to fail, either through intent or a moment of forgetful lack of care. If it's the latter, you can work with that. The former, less so.

Intent is everything.

I agree intent is everything, definitely.

Just for S&Gs
I'm going to go with Candide: "All is for the best in the best of all possible worlds."
(just because it is my own favorite Voltaire quote)

Thank you for caring, Chewbacca, I appreciate your point.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Oh Angie. I usually don't wade in to giving advice on long posts. This is why! I didn't have all the facts. I HATE making assumptions, which I did.

The fact you analyze a lot of stuff here is admirable. My brain can't always process so many words, thoughts and feelings.

Sounds like you guys are good.

**offers big hugs**
Cookie, your advice is SO welcome. I respect you so much, and your questions did a lot to help me wrap my head around myself. You made no assumptions that were unreasonable at all! I didnt give enough info because I was embarrassed. I can talk openly about all the mental and emotional stuff till the cows come home, but the minute sexytimes physical kink stuff comes up I get all quiet and blushy. It's part of my weirdness/charm. ^__^

We are good, but we are definitely going to need to talk through whether he really means that he wants me to second guess him... or if im just not getting his meaning. I know that whatever anyone else says matters not, and if my way of being a slave isnt the way HE needs me to be then what good is it anyway? <that's where I got to because of your post, which was really helpful. (I mighta been having an imaginary conversation with someone important from my past at the same time and asking myself what person would have told me. He is kinda my internal Jimminey Cricket now).

After all that and then exercising and standing in the shower I kinda had this internal debate with myself about why it even bothered me. Was i trying to get other people's opinions to back me up, or to help me see the error of my logic? If it was the former, well whose opinion matters anyway? His? Mine? others? clearly if we are talking intended lifetime M/s then his.
If it was to help me see the error of my logic, then see above. What does it matter if my logic is sound but it isnt the way he needs? is my goal to be the best textbook slave (whatever bs that is) or is my intent to be the best girl for Him specifically? < that.
(I mighta been having an imaginary conversation with someone important from my past at the same time and asking myself what person would have told me. He is kinda my internal Jimminey Cricket now).

So, yes, your post helped me A LOT.
I'm grateful.

Now if only I could get up the courage to post the topic ive wanted to post for the last month and have been too shy/skeered to post! EEP. I think you are one of a grand total of 4 people I'd ever hope would understand it, but im not sure even then! Still im dying to have someone to talk to about a specific thing. *hides under all the pillows*
General topic is typically taboo even for people round here. I'm liable to get tar'd and feathered! (or attract the attention of people I do NOT want to attract the attention of)
~Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

This! Acceptance that you cannot completely please someone else. My whole life has been about pleasing others, because that is what love is to me. And, then feeling like a failure or a disappointment when I can’t fully please everyone. I always saw it as a character flaw on my part, that I was not good enough. That I was a sub-human (no pun intended). I’m ready to release that side of me, and find joy in the things I can offer, not pain in the things I can’t.

C

I'm sorry this got buried in the middle of a different conversation, Clementine. It's a great place to be, the point where you are ready to accept yourself and then whoever wants to jump on that bandwagon may; whoever would rather judge can go fly a kite <3

Thank you for adding to the discussion!

 

[littlebirdjoy]

If you give it a name​

Long ago the very first picture I colored when I took back my life was one that read: "I used to think no one else but me, until I met you." It was a very powerful concept for me, and I remember the day I showed it to my then Person and he kinda shrugged and said "meh, not really my thing." That should have been one of my first signs... but I'm slow on the uptake.
Tonight I found that quote racing through my mind in a very positive way. Yesterday my Master and I had one of our occasional "coming to God" conversations, where something pushes a few topics that have been buzzing in the back of one or both of our brains out to the surface. It isnt that anything was hidden, it's just that it wasnt, until that very moment, drastically important to broach when time is limited.
The topic on his side was that he needed me to take the initiative to do certain things for him because he didnt want to think he would have to always prompt it. Which led me to say "Well I have been doing X thing and Y thing everyday." to which he replied that he hadn't known because I hadnt said. So I then paused to go through the litany of things I havent brought up in a while, just because I didn't think that once a habit was established it needed to be said constantly... and he felt much better. I hadnt known that he hadn't known. I know i know communication... but sometimes it is hard to tell what needs to be communicated in limited time, and what doesnt, and the same was true for him. I also told him that I missed certain things that he used to do (and listed them) not to make him feel bad, but rather to tell him "the things you do matter, and just because I dont harp on you when you get too busy to do them doesnt mean they arent missed." He felt better about that too.

So tonight I took the initiative to do one of the things for him that he had wondered if I still did, and sent him a video of it. He was rather pleased. So was I. Thing is a bit emotionally tough on me still and quite embarrassing for me, so I was a bit fragile and in need of reassurance (which he is very very very good at providing.) He responded rather immediately to tell me in our way that he appreciated it, and that it did good things. (I'm going somewhere with this)

So when he got in the car tonight and we spoke I rehashed it and wanted to know what I got right and what could have been better. After a few minutes I got quiet and asked if it bothered him that I need to talk through things afterwards. Without missing a beat he said no, not at all. That I have to work through my emotions, and the only way for me to do that is give them voice. That when I process experiences my brain needs to make sense of them and they will remain jumbled and fuzzy until I express them. "you only have power over a demon that you can name." I laughed out loud and told him I couldnt believe he just said that. He said it was true and I agreed that it was.

Conversation continued, and I've been tossing around thoughts internally for a few hours since. I had to go hop on my exercise bike for a while to work through it all (my eliptical has replaced my dish washing/shower thinking as the best place to work through stuff)... and I didnt hop off until I could express what I was working through.

I hinted in my last big post that there is something I've wanted to share, but have been hesitant to. I'm afraid of being judged. I'm afraid of reactions. I'm afraid of being even further ostracized from this community (as if that were even really possible... ) Most of all... I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I havent owned this one yet. If I'm not yet comfortable with me, then how can I expect anyone else to be. So why am I not comfortable with it? Because it is that demon without a name.

Shame.
Embarrassment. I blush noticably and often whenever the topic of sex comes up. It is hard for me to deal with myself as a sexual creature. It is EASY for me to deal with others as sexual creatures, it is EASY for me to deal with the concept of someone wanting me, to the extent of being more than comfortable with the concept of lust. I enjoy it when I know I have turned him on to high heaven. I'm alright with him knowing he has done the same to me... but when it comes to acknowledging openly the things that turn me on, that is harder for me. I'm still very much mired in the shame and embarrassment game outside of our safe little world. Our bubble.

He is well aware of this, and I'm not entirely certain that some of the things he does aren't specifically aimed at removing some of those things that shame me. We don't play in degradation and humiliation. He doesn't want to degrade me, rather he wants me to be fully and completely myself and to embrace all of the parts of my sexuality that are repressed. To be completely dis inhibited with him. To "wear my slutty dirtiness as a badge of honor". At times I would rather dive under the pillows and hide, but at the same time I won't lie and say it isnt the greatest thing since sliced bread.

A few things we are working on I'm not convinced arent specifically designed and aimed at removing some of my mental barriers through fetishizing them. I don't need to know is that is what he is really doing.. or if they really are things he has always been interested in. That is his to know. If it is the former though... I knew he was brilliant, I should not be surprised.

So, one thing that has been a struggle for me over the years has been the concept of cleanliness. My exhusband was veeerrryyyy far on the scale towards OCD about it. I mean required me to put tissues or t-shirts on doorhandles between the bed and the bathroom so that after sex no hands touched doors. Skin on skin contact = dirty. Sheets must be washed every.single.day. If you pee you must have a full shower. Not at all an exaggeration. I was constantly embarrassed because God forbid I be a normal woman and get turned on by something and I had any form of feminine smell. :eyeroll:

After two kids and one birth that went terribly terribly wrong I ended up with some *unfortunate* but understandable side effects that a lot of women over 35 are familiar with. I was pretty regularly embarrassed because of this. The worst side effect that he never ever ever knew in the 4 years of marriage after our child was born was that i ended up with a permanent medical condition that would have required surgery to fix. I could not come clean with him about it because the embarrassment involved would have just been devastating. It relates to bodily function issues. Nuf said. Anyhow, my Master knows all of this, and none of it phases him. Not in the least. Like i said, he has been working on removing all of those shame based issues. Still, I haven't "owned it" and part of that has just been circling round me. I've wanted to discuss this, but I've been too scared. So tomorrow once I've had more sleep and a better time to plan out how exactly I'm going to broach it then I'm going to name it. I'm still scared of the reactions, but I think I always will be until i name it.

Faithfully His;
Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Flails a bit because I had been intending to post one thing, and in the process I just ran across a blog on the other site I watch and I'm DYING to respond, but CANT. all the frustration. I can't begin to tell you how happy it makes me to see a "good man" that I've watched from a far finally make a good match. I've watched this particular Dominant post for months now. Watched him build up a very credible reputation. Watched how he laid out his mindset and dealt with educating the community about his own particular brand of thought. to see him alter his blog title today to "I've found my "One" this blog will now follow our journey from beginning"... just all the <3 happiness!

His first new post haappens to revolve around giving a brief history and explanation of what is Gor as it relates to BDSM, what is a kajira (I'd kill to know who it is! guuuhhhh wanna talk!) and then explaining the purposes of slave positions. Though I'd really like her to do a followup from the female perspective which I may just do on this end. I'm very internally led to do it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The second thing that was on my mind to post today is a repost from a year ago. It feels particularly apt that I originally wrote this a year ago in a couple days. Though it was not here. The next two weeks or so are very emotionally loaded for me. Three years ago today is when my life completely took a 90 degree turn. I went to sleep on Feb 4th and the world looked one way. i woke up and at 4:12 am my world looked completely different. I had bent so far I had broken. I did not know how to stand back up, and the only way i could cope was living with blinders on my eyes and completely fabricating my reality. All of that was shattered when his phone went off in my hand and a woman's picture popped up on the screen.
Over the next week I came to understand that my whole life was a lie. I was the second one. He had been with her for 13 years. THE WHOLE TIME.
My whole life just unraveled.

Last year, similarly, today I remember exactly where I was. I have a picture of it. I was on vacation, much like i am now. I was waiting with my "person" to meet the girl we were bringing into our relationship. In the process I ended up being careless and walked into a lit stick of incense. At the time I joked that we had talked for months about permanent marks.. and if I was going to have one, well might as well be today. I had no regrets. I looked today, and yep. It is still there.. smaller, less noticeable, but it will always be. Now it is not a mark of ownership, but rather a reminder of a phrase that someone on here put in their signature that is so very true: "dont let people who play a part time role in your life have a full time position." If someone doesn't include me in their real day to day life as much as I include them, then they are not permanent. That is what my scar reminds me of. That and if my soul is screaming a question over and over at me, chances are there is a reason. "Why does he keep coming back? Is it because he comes back when he cant find someone else to play with and I'm comfortable and easy?" Yep. listen to that voice! Chances are there is a damn good reason it is screaming at you.

So what is this post?

Respect for Relationships ​

"What they will do with you, they will do TO you."

My mother wasn't one for giving advice. She was incredibly over protective, to the extent that I wasn't allowed secular movies, books, television, or radio until I was in high school and she simply couldn't control me anymore. I recall the absolute sense of freedom I had those days I carpooled with other kids in elementary school and how in awe I was of secular music. My guilty pleasure: Ace of Base and the song: I Saw the Sign.
Aside from that, she rarely intervened in my interpersonal relationships, believing i was very mature for my age. However, the few times she say me down to give me advice, I clearly remember. "First time shame on them, second time shame on you, third time that's just plain stupid." "The definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting different results." Both very good pieces of advice. I have never found them to be inaccurate.

The one that sticks with me today, however is this:
"If He will do it WITH you, He will do it TO you."


As a girl, she taught me to write in a journal, and over time it morphed into letters "to my future Husband", it was an axiom, if i couldn't write that day what I'd done... DON'T DO IT. It had a huge impact on the decisions I made in my life. For starters, i never entered a relationship just to waste time or for entertainment. I always kept in mind if this is someone I would ever consider tying myself to. I also made them very clearly aware where the lines were, and i never strayed out of them. That isn't to say i was a saint, faaaarrrrrr from. However, there were limits. This may be where my embarrassment about talking about things sexual came from. I wouldnt directly detail WHAT physical things transpired with boyfriends, but i would be clear that it stayed within the lines my mind had set.

after my first brush with love left me truly devastated (at 14, I had sincerely believed I would end up with this boy for the rest of my life. So had he. Parents had other thoughts. Sadly, he was involved in a fatal car accident later in High School. Perhaps it was God's mercy that we were no longer together, maybe i'd have been in the car. God only knows. ) what i did know is that I wasn't going to give my heart away like that again. so i took up dating. I refused to go steady with another boy until college. Well... kinda That's what sneaky me wanted my mother to believe. I certainly had one main boyfriend to whom I was CLEARLY attached, everyone knew it. However, to keep up appearances, I went out with other boys. Those boys knew very very clearly that it was just for fun. There were VERY clear limits that everyone expected and understood that he was never going anywhere. He did not chose to date, though he did accompany two other girls to their respective dances. The one thing that I recall is that everyone was respectful of my primary relationship. I dated a grand total of 12 boys over 3 years in addition to Him. Not a one... *NOT A ONE* EVER sought to go outside the lines of what was allowed, and not a ONE ever sought to try to convince me to leave him. Never.

As teenagers these boys had more respect for me and my relationships than most adults I meet these days. I dont understand why. I have been thinking about it the last couple of months... this is not a RECENT concept, rather one that has been reenforced time and again. Were these boys who I met so unusual? Or are we innately more understanding at that age, and become more conniving and selfish as time goes on?

In the last year, I've run into all manner of things in communities like this. Sadly, I've also participated in situations i now feel terrible remorse for. Still, I feel strongly that it bears open discussion. I can not COUNT the number of times I've been approached by a "Dom" who is aware of my primary relationship at the time, and sought to intentionally lure me away for fun or to try to convince me to abandon my collar.

My Daddy at the time could not for the life of him understand WHY I lost my marbles when he wanted me to take him out of my signature at the time. I couldnt make him understand exactly what the consequence would be. YES, I should have had the self control enough to say to anyone who contacted me "sorry, not interested" on my own accord. I didn't. It was bad enough the messages I got when people knew I was collared. >.>

Worse are the times i was approached by a "Dom" who had another primary relationship that they wanted to ... supplement, with me as an accomplice. I'm not talking about consentual ethical polyamory, no. I'm taking about men who have an unsuspecting spouse, partner, or submissive that they wish to keep me under wraps from. Yes, I was grateful that in every one of those cases, they never hid their partner's existence from me, but rather, were honest but believed I would circumvent consent and be their "on the side". Sure, those weren't the terms they used... and they had every REASON under the sun:
she isnt good to me
she doesnt take care of me
she doesnt love me
she isnt what she promised to be
the list goes on.

**insert image *the OTHER woman*

This is where that advice my mother gave comes into play: "if He will do it WITH you, He will do it TO you."
we all know these relationships require trust if they are anything more than kinky fuckery. How could I EVER respect a man who would cheat on his primary partner? How could I EVER respect a man who doesnt have the honor to be honest with those around Him? how could I EVER trust him to tell me the truth and be honest with me? Yes, it is my responsibility to never make him feel: unloved, unwanted, uncared for, undesired, unimportant, not prioritized, etc. However, do you not think we are all keenly aware that we are only seeing one side of the story? how could it not plague my mind that maybe, just maybe, this woman has no clue how he feels. Maybe, just maybe, I would be blind sided one day too.

On wait. I was. Yes, part of this is related to the demons of my past. After 9 years of dedicated, devoted marriage in which I put my husband as my front and center. i spent every single day thinking of ways to please him and make him happy. One day, I woke at 4:30 in the morning to find that he had been cheating on me THE WHOLE TIME. ***I*** was the other woman. I was his married mistress. She was there first, and always.
I was sick to my stomach. as mad as I was at him... I wondered more... did she know. I worried for this woman. I had to know. So that night i borrowed a coworker's phone and I called her. I had only one question: "Do you know he is married? Do you know he has a wife and a child? Do you know she is 2?" ... she needed to know "which one?" to which I replied in horror: "consider it a group message from all of the wives of all of the men you speak to at 2 AM." then I wrote him a letter explaining that he had thrown me away for am woman who couldn't even know WHICH ONE he was. How pathetic.

This certainly has impacted my view on things. I dont believe it has made me more jaded, but it has certainly made me more keenly aware that there are two sides to every story. I will never ever be someone's "back up plan."

I wish I could say my point ends there... sadly, that is just the beginning. I've also been witness to some seriously treacherous nastiness from other female submissives as well. One of the things i warned that Daddy about once we were open about our relationship was that he would then be the recipient of a very different type of attention from then on. Where he had been an unknown quantity that many submissives wouldn't take a chance on... now he was in a way "vetted" and openly approved of as "safe and awesome." I KNEW it... but i hadn't SEEN it. It didnt take long. He was getting message atop message where prior to that weeks would go by with nary a message, now he was so awfully interesting

I never doubted him. I knew he was as faithful as the day is long. What i never expected was that a woman I trusted would exploit a weakness in our relationship and sure up every doubt he had about me. Anxiety can be handed a megaphone by situations, and our fears can be made into monstrous hills. In the same way, doubts and frustrations can be magnified and amplified by those around us. In the 1950s in the US divorced women were ostracized from communities. Why? Because divorce is contagious. It has to do with the idea that "the grass is always greener on the other side." as well as "misery loves company." The fear was that the newly free woman or man would appear so much happier to those around them, so the previously happily married men around them would wonder just how much happier they would be alone too, free of the old ball and chain. The man would commiserate about their problems and the newly divorced man would air his grievances and the other men would see similarities and decide well if it was enough for him to call it quits, maybe they should too.
We have certainly gotten over this mentality for better or worse, as a society. Divorce or ending committed relationships is seen as the right of every person pursuant to the right to pursuit of happiness. I'll not go off topic into whether this is for better or worse. However, what I will say is that a lot can be said for a person who will support a relationship of others when it is on the rocks. The person who will build you up, and build you together as a couple rather than help you grow apart. This is doubly true if you have something to gain from seeing the couple separate. For myself, I define honor in such a way that if I can see myself gaining from someone else's loss or misfortune: I'm doing it wrong. i should NEVER be in a situation that i seek or could gain from someone else's relationship biting the dust.

Sadly, in the last year and a half I've seen it too many times: a dominant or submissive seeking to br "friends" with someone on the other side of the slash and in essence waiting in the wings for their "moment", their "chance". Sure, maybe they act as a true friend... giving good counsel and support... but more often than not, their advice is intentionally or unintentionally skewed because of what they hope to gain.

If you haven't taken a look at the submissive's creed or the Master's creed in a while... I highly recommend you do. Above all... please... be the bigger people. treat other people like you would want to be treated. Be worthy of respect and trust. Be the person you would want to befriend. Don't seek to destroy; uplift, build, help, support. Yes, sometimes supporting means helping the person decide that enough is enough... but I posit you will NEVER EVER be in the right if you gain from it (or think you might) in ANY WAY. If you might, back the hell off and let someone with a more neutral perspective intervene and offer that support.

*with love and respect*
~Faithfully His;
Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Fear of Intimacy, or Craving it; the Price of Vulnerability.​

If you didn’t look at that title and run, I applaud you. You are my kinda people… (or you just want to see how quickly this train crashes and burns… you might be my kinda people too )

Some of the early conversations we have in this lifestyle with perspective partners can be very telling, if you are astute and observant. When a relationship that once burned white hot begins to smolder and cool many times you can look back over the still glowing embers and point out the exact moments those bits that still glow with desire came from. You can also usually point out where the ashes that ignited and died too quickly arose as well. Just like a fire that needs to be well and constantly fed, so too a relationship requires that constant nourishment. I’ve come to identify the greatest fuel source for myself as intimacy.
No i do not mean that to be synonymous with Sex. Sex with the right person can be amazing, or so I’ve been told. That, however, is not how I define intimacy. A young woman once explained it in words that I could not have chosen more perfectly: “I imagine this diving, this self unraveling that happens. And there is a kind of divinity to it where we acknowledge the sanctuary we have in someone else and vice versa.” ~Alisha Lickley. Wow. I love that. Sanctuary. Isnt that the perfect definition of subspace?
credit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3yBxsDv8lM

I have long identified to those close enough to know me deeply and well, that this whole thing came about as a way to understand my faith better. (yes… look at the username). I had a very hard time giving up control. I had a very hard time giving my burdens up to God and really believing that he could and would carry me. Honestly, UI had a very hard time even feeling God’s presence. When all hell broke loose in my first marriage and I tried to save it by being “what he needed” (a Domme) and failed… well… i found a space for myself. I originally looked at it as a way to try to serve my husband better. Then as a way to try to understand submission to God. I can remember clearly the very first time I knelt beside Mr. Ted and put my head on his knee, and he put his hand on my head and the whole world just stopped. I felt complete and utter inner peace. I’m big on comparative religions and the word “sanctuary is so appropriate here. Sanctuary is a feeling of absolute safety and peace. It can be felt for some kneeling at an altar, or in Sujud on a prayer mat, or while covering oneself with a tallit and the little private space created between the person and The Almighty. For me, it was felt most in that specific place in time.
I once listened to this amazing lecture which posited that the world would be a much better place if people openly discussed relationships in the same way that we negotiate contracts in this relationship. Instead of jumping into a relationship and assuming that the progression will be ABCD or approaching intimacy as just “sex” it would open up a world of possibility that most people arent aware even exist.

So how do you create this “diving, this self unraveling”? The deepest intimacy, I believe, is when you strip away all of the pretense. All of the need for barriers and walls. All fo the fear and shame that we have put on ourselves or allowed to be put on us by others and society as a whole. When you are able to strip all of that bare and stand soul naked in front of another and feel that they know you, see you, understand you, and accept you and vice versa this is the truest of intimacies. Clearly this process is one that is fraught with potential danger and landmines. The more of our inner selves we expose, the more painful any perceived rejection would be. At a certain point you cross this line of demarcation, this point of no return where, if the person were to reject you due to something that you share something so deep and so protected that it could truly do you damage. I wont begin to get into what causes something to be buried past that point of no return, nor what makes someone able to find the key to unlock those doors to your truest soul. I imagine this is a truly terrifying experience for most. It certainly was for me. At the same time it is also enlivening and exhilarating.
In the thread I’ve linked here a few times “Marks of a Slave” one user likened some of this process to warfare. They throw themselves into the humiliation of it to harden themselves. To see how much they can take. To desensitize themself to it. Yikes! I think this is the mentality of humiliation that specifically does not resonate with me.
Rather my own battle is the battle to unwrap and unravel all of those layers and lay myself completely soul bare at the feet of my Master and know that he sees it all, he knows it all, and he accepts it all as His. That is sanctuary.

He feels similarly, though I dont believe the way that he processes things is similar to my way at all. He is much more self confident and self aware. The process I’ve gone through to get there is a new and raw one. The process he went through to get to the same place of self knowing and self Mastery is much much older and all of those emotions have healed over. He has had very little of the shame and guilt left over that I’m still battling. Still, some parts of ourselves are very hard to share with others, or even in some cases, acknowledge to ourselves.

So as I hinted before, there is one part of my D/s relationship that I still have difficulty discussing in public, yet I’ve wanted to reach out to find someone who understands. So here goes nothing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_c5E6aIByMY

Back to that fire analogy up there… I remember early on when I was discussing hygiene and such with Master and he asked me how my hygiene was? Or did we need to work on that? He hit a sore spot of shame and I of course, because it was early on, hid that fact. It wasnt for another solid 6 months that we revisited it and the truth behind it. Oh how much could have been avoided if i had just been comfortable enough in my own skin. Watersports. It is a concept that i had understood from one perspective and saw the appeal of. I like the concept of “marking” anything that mentally or physically shows ownership is a huge turn on for me. So watersports I kinda viewed in the same light.

I’ve been pretty open in a couple of posts about how I originally struggled to identify myself as a little/middle. I struggled WAY more than I struggled with my submissiveness. It had to do with the shame of it all. The imposed “morality”, and a lot of my own misconceptions. As time has gone on I’ve become more and more comfortable with it. I remember the very first time I called my ex “Daddy” I was so shaky and scared and nervous and just flat out *uncomfortable* most times it just didnt feel right. Now, after having been in the relationship I’m in and all of the things that I’ve become more comfortable in and confident in myself in I feel most comfortable calling him Daddy or Master (the first time I called someone that I literally almost had a nervous breakdown and had to take 15 steps backwards! Yikes!)

When Master and I first discussed hygiene the sore spot he stepped on was that i have a few lifelong habits that I can not begin to explain to you, because I’ve never (or prior to this i had never) sat down and tried to understand or explain. I do not identify with ABDL the whole concept squicked me out completely… but at the same time… for more years than I’d like to admit I’ve had my own version. I don’t consider it a kink, and to me it is not sexual at all. There are times that i do relieve myself other than in a toilet. I won’t go into more detail than that here, it is for he and I to know… but the day I told him was a huge turning point in our relationship. I remember the day that my ex husband found out… it was horrible and shame filled and just awful. Really. So why do I do it? It has to do with an emotional release similar to biting ones nails or cutting. It is very very emotionally similar to masochism for me. This is my own version.
I do know the very first time i did it was in middle school right around the same time i hit puberty. It kinda picked up steam after I got divorced the first time, and again when my soon to be ex left the house. Still, if asked, i would have said that i had no interest aside from the concept of “marking” in watersports. I had this huge mental block against it.

When I had my second child I ended up with a huge awful complication which meant that my insides kinda prolapsed and wont ever go right again. It just happened. She was transverse and they didnt catch it, they had me pushing for 20 minutes before I was fully dialated while holding my cervix manually open (you want pain? HOLY FUCK!) because she was in serious distress… and so was I. The result is that I have something called a rectal sceele. It actually sounds like what it is if you say it aloud. Basically part of my internal seld kinda shuts off or closes off my rectum, and I could have surgery to fix it, but that is basically the only thing that will fix it. The way it was diagnosed was equally awful. I could not “go” after having her for DAYS… until I was so compacted I was absolutely miserable. I thought I was going to die. I will space you the details… but i learned how to “fix” it myself… and I have to continue to do that on a pretty regular basis. This is something I have carried MASSIVE embarrassment over. MASSIVE! To the extent her father to this day does not know, despite we were actively married for two years after her birth all the while that was an issue. Yet if you had asked me if I was into “dirty” or “scat play” I’d have said OH HEEEEEELLLLL NAW! NOPE.

Still… one day, in the process of being completely open and honest about things, both of these realities came into the open and he knew it all. I was mortified while explaining it… but he looked at me laying these parts of myself at his feet and did not flinch. Quite the opposite, he acknowledged that he loved me even more and that he had been looking for exactly me for years. All of those months back when he had asked me… he had secretly hoped that my answer would be different than it was.

So we have embarked upon a journey of understanding what intimacy means to us both. For ME it means laying all of myself completely bare and him seeing, knowing, understanding, and accepting. For HIM however it is completely different. For HIM intimacy means complete dependence or interdependence. Where I am dependent upon him, and he upon me. I will not try to explain how he sees these concepts and how that relates to the activities we are engaging in, but suffice to say I never in a million years would have understood these two concepts in the way he has helped me to see it from his perspective.

So… shame, guilt, embarrassment aside I’m giving it a name so that it no longer controls me. I enjoy being my Master’s dirty little slut, but only his. For us that means that I have learned to be there for him when he has to find physical relief, in every sense of that term. Turns out I do very much enjoy both watersports and scat play. It took months and months for me to get up the courage for one and then the other. I laughed out loud and could not quit asking “wait… i was scared of the wrong one? Wait. WHAT? But… huh?” He could only smile at me and tell me how very proud of me he was when I finally braved that last line.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=up7pvPqNkuU

What does intimacy mean for you?

~Faithfully His,
Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Wait is Service Too​

Sometimes we continue to fight the same battle over and over in various situations until we *get* it, then it ceases to be a battle and is rather a learned behavior. I have a few that keep coming up in my life, but one of the flat out most frustrating for me is when I feel I can't HELP. When nothing i do can make it better. Even and especially if I'm not the problem. If the problem has absolutely nothing to do with me. It drives me bonkers.
Part of who i am as a submissive is to ask every single day with all sincerity, sometimes twice or three times "What can I do to make your life better or easier?" "Is there anything I can do to please you today, my Master?" "How can I make you happy today?" "Is there anything i need to do better or differently?"

It's a totally acceptable and happy answer if the answer is no... and he is well, or even fine. The best days ever I hear "You already did it babygirl." ^__^ but when he is down and out, or upset... and the answer is no... or in other instances even worse "What exactly can YOU do huh? You can't do anything." <<, fucking OW. It may be true, but DAMN.

So it took me a long time to explain that what goes on inside me is akin to my daughter when I'm sick who will run to get her play Doctor kit and proceed to give me a checkup and my medicine. She wants to put sticker bandages on me and make it all better. When i was her age I'd "cook dinner" for my mom. I'm sure it was HORRENDOUS! Oh the disastrous awful concoctions I came up with in my adorable well meaning 6 year old mind! okay i might still do it. Shut up. Still.
I want to cuddle up to my Daddy/Master and cover him in sticker bandages. I want my smile to make his world better and make the shit melt away. Sometimes it does.

And those are some of the best "good girl" moments I EVER get.

But lots of times the big bad boogeymen that he faces at home and at work are just bigger than all the well meaning cuddles, knee kisses, sticker bandages, and my very best attempts at giving him something else to think about can do. Sometimes the shit is just too big and too frustrating and sometimes my "trying" is just not what he needs. That used to make me feel terribly sad, and sometimes hurt too. It made me feel rejected. It made me feel useless. Those are feelings I still battle. I'm still trying to learn to really live and breathe the lesson that "wait is service too." I tried to learn it last year, but the lesson got wrapped up in all the shit. So I'm back to trying to learn the lesson. Luckily, it isnt one I have to face often, or alone.

Day before yesterday we had a really serious talk which basically culminated in his own version of something I've said and agreed with before:
"Submission is knowing that he has the power to absolutely destroy me, and trusting him not to."

His version was "if you did not know that was a possability, know it now. If you do not trust me when it seems absolutely impossible to do so, then you have not knelt low enough. Then only can you truly be Mine."

It's an extension of the truest concept that I've ever embraced as a submissive "Submission is not found in the things we want, the things that are easy. Submission is found in the moment's we would rather say no, the things we have no desire to do, but find the grace to say "Yes, Sir" instead.

~Faithfully His, and learning to kneel lower and trust more deeply.
Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Lesson Learned in progress... but work first...

Crazy Spots:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzuUljh-9uI

Plus: gratitude for the places my life has taken me. It is a pretty powerful thing to look around my life and honestly say that I'm in good places. I really pray that July works out. I really pray that it is everything we both dream it will be, that this answers every theory he has ever had and that I find "home" where I've always sought it. If not, however, the really cool thing is that when I met him (he doesnt know this) it took a long time for me to even consider wanting to move anywhere. I kinda got to this place looking around where I can see a happy life right where I am. I am in a place in my career. I believe I'm making a sincere difference in the world. I'm financially stable and independent. I dont need anyone's help to live the rest of my life (if I stay here). Though poking my ex for formal divorce might fuck up my ability to stay here. *shrug*. And I actually really enjoy living alone. < I never believed I'd say that two years ago.

Yes, I ache for physical and emotional intimacy and connection. I ache to be able to express the part of me that is slave. I would never ever ever want to walk away from this lifestyle and just exist, it would seem pale. However, if things go south, I can honestly say that I'm in good places in my life.

~Faithfully His,
Angie

 

[Emaliey]

Informative and appealing thread. ~sighs and smiles~