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The Fuel and the Flame ​


The last two days the universe has put in my life some truly wonderful pieces of fuel to my fire. I've been emotionally hungry for some time. I've been aching. I hate vacations, because most times they feel hollow and empty. I get so much emotional fuel from my work.

I have so much inspiration to write tonight, but instead I'd like to do something I've never done, and share a piece of my Master's writing. It is public, and is acceptable to share here. I hope it touches you the way it has me every time I read it.

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Defining Relationships
imagr

​
“Know that what happened, happened for a reason and couldn't have happened any other way."



Since the dawn of time, humanity had a gut feeling that led to notions like fate, destiny, karma or more recently, metaphysical goofiness. Every culture has its own version of the same concept. I’m no expert in analytical philosophy but I’ve lived long enough to know that there’s something to it because stuff that defies all logic happens all the time. Ignoring or denying it doesn’t change a darn thing about the fact that most events seem to happen exactly as they should and precisely when they should, and I'm convinced that what I'm going through right now is no exception. Every now and then someone manages to explain this phenomenon a little better so one day we might finally understand what’s really going on but right now it’s still a mystery and not something that people usually bother’s with when they go about their daily life.



As individuals, the very notion that everything might be predetermined scares us deeply because if that’s so, then it nullifies the only thing about us that isn’t genetical or sociocultural influence but is really us: our free will. Everything that makes us who we are, all the things that secures us in our belief that we’re smarter, stronger, better than the other. Our entire sense of social hierarchy that is based on our choices, vanishes! All of it suddenly becomes the mere result of a series of events over which we had no tangible control. That’s a terrifying thing to contemplate for the ego which our mind came up with specifically to make us ignore this and forget about everything that could lead us to believe that we’re not in control. No amount of self-confidence can handle the sudden burst of emptiness that switching off the ego usually triggers in people. It's no wonder that so many behavior inducing techniques used in schools, in publicity, with the news and even in BDSM rituals are aimed at creating then filling this void in endless repetition. It's enslaving...


Being conscious that you have no control over your own thoughts whatsoever shatters all notion of good and evil since without free will this concept becomes pointless. If there’s no free will then a man killing another isn’t worse than an animal killing a man, or a rock crushing a man. Suddenly, all form of moral hierarchy disappears, nobody is more righteous than the other and God inevitably dies by the cruel hand of logic. So, the real question is; can you be conscious that you have no free will and at the same time assume moral responsibility for your actions? Can you truly understand that you’re just a pawn and still feel responsible for something? Your answer to that question is what determines where you land on the spectrum of morality and it doesn’t matter if you’re dominant or submissive, that correlation with morality determines how you will experience relationships. It's what leads you to become either narcissistic or empathic.


“We're not here because we're free; we're here because we're not free. There's no escaping reason, no denying purpose, for as we both know, without purpose we would not exist. It is purpose that created us, purpose that connects us, purpose that pulls us, that guides us, that drives us; it is purpose that defines, purpose that binds us.”



If there’s no free will and if getting what you want isn’t what matters, then what is? The only thing that can then define if a relationship is “good” or “bad” is if it fulfills its purpose. On one hand, if the intent of your relationship is for one to be in total control and for the other to be utterly enslaved, then a narcissist and a compulsive pleaser make a very good match. On the other hand, if the intent of your relationship is for both to be equals but one sneakily always ends up in control while the other reluctantly submits then no amount of sugar coating this will make me believe that it's a good relationship even if it "looks" healthy.



A relationship is like fire, it’s a reaction, it won’t happen unless you put some fuel and oxidizer together and ignite it. Describing the quality of the fire itself doesn’t have anything to do with describing the elements used to create it. When we describe a fire, we talk about how big it is and how hot it is, we don’t care about what’s burning. It’s all about the result, the purpose. In any relationship, look at the fire, the purpose, and you’ll know if it’s a good one or a bad one. If it’s small and weak or won’t start at all then you’ve put the wrong elements together. When you do put the right stuff together it burns strong and hot from the start and it doesn’t take much effort to keep it going.



Lately I found myself putting a lot of effort in keeping our fire alive at home and all the while I’ve witnessed little flames left and right that could easily grow into beautiful fires. I’ve been obsessed with trying to find out what’s my oxidizer of choice and I think that I finally found it. It’s a highly unstable mix of deep emotional intelligence and deliciously devious devotion wrapped in an adorable “I’m strong but vulnerable” package.



I guess that some would say that I like, well, crazy…
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Purpose and passion are two concepts that I have lectured on more times than I can count. I'm blessed that we find ways to fuel each other, that it is no longer feeding the flames, but rather a continuous cycle of exchange.

The same can be true of any relationship, it need not be romantic or sexual. To the people who kindle the fires of passion in my life, be it friendship, companionship, or just imagination and inspiration... thank you!

~Faithfully His;
Angie :rose:
 
I found it!!!!!​


I'm literally jumping up and down. I have been searching for a specific poem for TWO YEARS! I have posted requests asking of anyone has a link. I have asked even as recently as a few weeks back if someone specific had it. No one did. Tonight, in the process of looking for an article I found a link to it!

What is it? This poem was so incredibly important to me that I had wrote it on a piece of paper, decorated it by hand and taped it to my bedroom door, well the bedroom door of my married bedroom... and it lived there for SIX YEARS. I read it every single day.

Then in a moment of great hurt and anger I tore it down and tore it up.

I've longed for it to have for my own self for years.


Respect

I respect You and the choices that You make for us
Because I know that You weigh Your needs and mine
With the same scale
Justly balanced
And fairly read.

I respect You for the paths You lead us down
Because I know that You will take us there
Together
And that my feet will never find
The road too difficult to travel.

I respect You for the words You speak for us
Because I know the care and kindness
That goes into each one
Before they ever pass Your lips
And touch a listening ear.

I respect You for the work we share
Because I know my back will never carry
More than You have loaded upon Yourself
And always less than I would willingly
Bend beneath for You.

I respect You for the love we have
Because I know its source
Is not rooted in selfishness
Or darkness
But begins and ends in the fountain of respect
I have for You
And You for me.
Ever flowing
Pure and fresh
And freely shared.

Copyright©1997 by jade

Respect

Each time you kneel at my feet
My respect for you deepens
For in your bended knee
A lifetime of struggle,
Doubt, and fear are overcome.
Each time you speak the word, "Master,"
My respect for you is strengthened,
That single utterance conveying
The boundless, unselfish love
That only a submissive heart can know.
Each time you surrender to me,
Your will, your body, your heart,
You temper the links that bind us,
Not iron or steel, but something
Far more durable.
Respect.

Copyright©1997 by Lord Colm ​


It stands alone. PS... I miss you Bunnie!
 
Fearlessness and Paper Tigers ​


Mandatory music break: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbb8Kpuu-sc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzM56PzKITA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVtzDBgF84E

What is fearlessness? What purpose does fear serve? Can one be safe and be fearless? Can one be wise and be fearless?

These are questions that have been rattling around my brain the last couple of days, and they have come up around me on more than a few occasions in the same time span.

I admit that I'm "wired differently" but each of us is an individual afterall. Many negative emotions are originally experienced by me as either: fear (anxiety) or hurt (anger and sadness). Because i am aware of this one of the first things I have to do is spend time being intentionally self aware (meta-cognition). I have to constantly search myself to see what is the root of these two feelings. Is it discomfort with myself or a situation that is causing me to feel morally in-congruent or not authentic? Is it the voice of reason or my conscience being my guide (*waves at Jimminey Cricket), is it my wisdom saying "Hickma Hackima... it is your wisdom that restrains you. You CAN, but should you?" or is it the voice of doubt ringing in my ears... the echo of some long past trauma rearing its ugly head to should and scream building to a deafening roar threatening to steal my current joy. Or is in a real for real red-flag warning that There be dragons here!

I'm not sure we ever get completely adept at discerning the roots of our fears, what is important is to try and be intentional about it. Rather than just feeling discomfort which then takes the form of fear or hurt and running with it... stopping when all the world is quiet and listening to your heart, mind, and body and looking for those telltale clues which can point you towards the true cause. Most of my cues right now are bodily cues.

For instance, if it is my conscience ... if i'm being inauthentic or incongruent due to a moral or ethical cause I will feel anxiety and I will without fail have an IBS attack. I would be the worlds worst CIA agent. I can't lie for spit. I cant even half lie well. If I manage I'm a physical wreck. i'm even worse off emotionally.

If the root is a past demon, i will see it in my dreams or have intrusive memories of that past issue. So If i'm feeling persistent fear i will try to intentionally remember and analyze my dreams for clues to see if that is a flag.

If it is my wisdom kicking in and saying "think twice" I will usually feel incredibly tired whenever I try to approach the issue. It is almost as if my body is putting me on ice until i have the smarts to take more time to think.

If it is a real and true warning siren with no other cause, it is usually all of those things or a mix of them combined. Anxiety hell.

all of these can be resolved once I become aware of the issue. If it is inauthenticity then I deal with it. If it is a past demon; name it confront it, then move on, if it is my wisdom... then I shut up and listen.

But the one thing I will say, is that fear is something that should not just be shuffled off and ignored. It should be heeded and then addressed not by turning heel and running.

I can be fearless in being completely and unapologetically myself, while still being an ball of anxiety... because that is who i am, does not mean I'm any less fearless, it just means that sometimes I'm more wise.

I'd rather be the fox than the tiger any day.

It was then that the fox appeared.

"Good morning," said the fox.

"Good morning," the little prince responded politely, although when he turned around he saw nothing.

"I am right here," the voice said, "under the apple tree."

"Who are you?" asked the little prince, and added, "You are very pretty to look at."

"I am a fox," the fox said.

"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince. "I am so unhappy."

"I cannot play with you," the fox said. "I am not tamed."

"Ah! Please excuse me," said the little prince.

But, after some thought, he added:

"What does that mean--'tame'?"

"You do not live here," said the fox. "What is it that you are looking for?"

"I am looking for men," said the little prince. "What does that mean--'tame'?"

"Men," said the fox. "They have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?"

"No," said the little prince. "I am looking for friends. What does that mean--'tame'?"

"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. It means to establish ties."

"'To establish ties'?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ."

"I am beginning to understand," said the little prince. "There is a flower . . . I think that she has tamed me . . ."

"It is possible," said the fox. "On the Earth one sees all sorts of things."

"Oh, but this is not on the Earth!" said the little prince.

The fox seemed perplexed, and very curious.

"On another planet?"

"Yes."

"Are there hunters on that planet?"

"No."

"Ah, that is interesting! Are there chickens?"

"No."

"Nothing is perfect," sighed the fox.

But he came back to his idea.

"My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat . . ."

The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.


"Please--tame me!" he said.

"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."

"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me . . ."

"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.

"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me--like that--in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day . . ."

The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you . . . One must observe the proper rites . . ."

"What is a rite?" asked the little prince.

"Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all."


So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near--

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you . . ."

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added:

"Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.

"You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world."

And the roses were very much embarassed.

"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you--the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or ever sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.


And he went back to meet the fox.

"Goodbye," he said.

"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."

"It is the time I have wasted for my rose--" said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.

"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose . . ."

"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.


~Faithfully His,
Angie :rose:
 
bouquiniste said:
The fox is not the only animal who can be tamed...


fox_old.jpg



...they're simply among the easiest. You can be anything in Life that you choose to be.
.
Click to expand...

*smiles* Thank you, I *wish* I were easy to tame. I think the deeper we understand the truest concept of Love and Belonging and Oneness the harder it is to be satisfied with anything less, no? When I was young I truly believed what I had with my Master was *IT* that that is what he was, my Master. I truly believed what I did was submission. I was very young and my concept was very immature. I'm sure he knew that and was kindly leading me along to some other depth, but we were cut short. Now in looking back it is pale and sad really. I was happy. i was incredibly happy, at the time. Now looking back I see it for what it was and to a degree I'm ashamed of it. Not that I regret it, in no way do I. I'm more ashamed of my ignorance. I do acknowledge it was a product of my age, but still it is a bitter pill to swallow. It is why it is hard for me to identify him as such because now, knowing what I know, he was my Top and I was his bottom and that was the extent of it. That does not diminish the lessons learned or the depth of our connection and feeling.

My point is; I was HAPPY then. I was so very very happy with our relationship. Were I to be offered the same now I would never even come close to considering it. It would be a shadow on the wall compared to the colors I know to be real.

This is what I was truly lamenting when I wrote "Velveteen Slave" when I had finally touched and tasted what I believed were the depths of my surrender and the heights it could raise me to. I was terrified that I would never find the vivid colors again. This was also naive and young. I readily admit to my own limitations of my understanding and maturity in some aspects of my thinking.

Why be the fox? She is often portrayed as a symbol of wisdom in Native American lore. Wisdom is that trait I aspire to most. Thus, the fox.
 
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Of Paths and Bushes​


It has been an ongoing debate/topic of conversation between myself and every relationship partner I've had for the last ten years...
Do you judge based upon intent or based upon result. I think the answer to this question is as defining as your stance on promises. (Don't get me started on that. That is one of the first conversations I have with someone now. If we can't agree on the definition of a promise and the importance of it then we have nothing to stand on.)
Similarly, I judge based upon intent. This is a difficult concept for many to grasp. I am not saying it is more right, but I'm saying it is right for me. When you make a decision or take an action, so long as you have done your reasonable due dilligence, you can only know what you know. If you took that decision or action with the best of intentions; not out of malice, laze, thoughtlessness, or selfishness then your heart was pure. The effect of that action can not be known until a billion different permutations of factors beyond your comprehension or control take shape and chart its course and eventual result. I can not judge a person by the speed of traffic. I can not fault a person for an accident that happened on the highway 5 miles ahead of them. I can not hold a person responsible for a gasket that blows in their car. If a person leaves their house in time to be in a place ahead of schedule and factors beyond their mortal control prevent it, I will never hold them accountable for this.
Similarly, if we are having a conversation and someone misunderstands something I say and reacts to that improper understanding... I judge their reaction based upon their intent. They did not intend to misunderstand me. i did not intend to mislead them. however, i will judge the intent of their response. Was their response intended to do me damage, or to convey hurt or confusion?
I expect someone who knows me and loves me to judge me by my intent as well. did I intend to be lazy? Did i intend to be thoughtless? Did i intend to be malicious or hurtful? Did i intend to let you down? Did i intend to break a rule? In 99.999999999% of cases the answer will surely be no. I'm not that way. I'm not a SAM or a brat (nothing against it, just not me). If someone who knows me insists to judge me by effect, I'm never ever going to be at peace with that person. "I can not control what you understand. I can only control what i mean." This is not licence to be lazy. There is such a thing was willful ignorance. Once you instruct me on how an action makes you FEEL, if i then ignore it, THAT is intent. This is a concept I've come to terms with.

A new one has arisen for me, and I am not in any way shape or form ready to come to any conclusions on it. I'm in the middle of deep introspection and doing a lot of intentional work on understanding where I stand on internal congruence with it. (I personally believe that people fall on a scale between these concepts. Due to the way my mind works I see things as very black and white. I rarely fall somewhere in the middle on anything.

The new concept is:
What motivates you: Happiness/calmness/contentment vs. excellence.
*exasperated sigh* In truth the real deeper essential question is what does self actualization look like for me. This is arguably one of the most important questions to ask yourself in life.
I've been pretty entrenched in the happiness/gratitude/calmness camp, but in truth this was assumed morality. It was the path I was first set upon, not the one I chose for myself based upon introspection and observation. It was a concept I never dived into at all. Can't see the path in the bush when you are keeping your eyes on the road in front of you.

So, now it is a matter of looking at both paths.
"A man of knowledge chooses a path with a heart and follows it and then he looks and rejoices and laughs and then he sees and knows."


“In a world where death is the hunter, my friend, there is no time for regrets or doubts. There is only time for decisions.”

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“Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary.

This question is one that only a very old man asks. Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush, or into the bush. In my own life I could say I have traversed long long paths, but I am not anywhere. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn't. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you.


Before you embark on any path ask the question: Does this path have a heart? If the answer is no, you will know it, and then you must choose another path. The trouble is nobody asks the question; and when a man finally realizes that he has taken a path without a heart, the path is ready to kill him. At that point very few men can stop to deliberate, and leave the path. A path without a heart is never enjoyable. You have to work hard even to take it. On the other hand, a path with heart is easy; it does not make you work at liking it.”
― Carlos Castaneda, The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge
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As he says, both paths are only paths. Both paths are equally valid. What makes one path have a heart and the other not? It is an intensely personal thing. It is not a universal truth. I love the story he tells about seeking and finding "his spot".

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One of the most incorrectly quoted and misunderstood "popular" poems of all time tries to get to the heart of the same matter. Sadly, because of how it is misquoted, the original intent is completely lost.

The Road Not Taken
by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.​
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Both paths were equally hidden and equally untrodden, in reality. Upon looking at them neither was more or less worn. The justification the subject gives himself to make his decision more palatable is that one is less traveled, but he knows he is lying to himself. In fact he believes that one day he may look back on this decision with at least a modicum of regret (a sigh) and tell himself the lie once again, that he took the road less traveled by.
It is not a banner for taking the unbeaten path, as most try to use it. Rather it is a cautionary tale to those who have not spent the time and internal effort to truly and sincerely examine the "heart" of the path and found one truly and sincerely more deserving than the other. Being unconvinced and forced to fall in line "eenie meanie miney mo" or worse, to just follow along the path that was set out for you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3NE6UuaLiY

So step 1 to determining my own authenticity on this issue is to examine deeply the path I've yet to take. Excellence.
I'm not at a place to discuss it intelligently yet, but I'm sure I will be back to do so.
I can already point out my places of fear and my negative run ins.
The very first example that comes to mind is when in a play i tend to memorize all of the lines and parts, not just my own. It is just something I do. If I hear it enough times it is going to stick. I had the entirety of the Episcopalian Eucharistic service memorized by 4, and used to say it along with the pew. My mom would try to shush me, but he made her let me alone. She never got it and made it a regular thing to try to put anxiety where there was none. Every day for two weeks leading up to you bridging ceremony for scouts she told me I was going to screw up and say someone else's line. Come the day I totally did. I looked right at her got so nervous I skipped mine. She had some WORDS for me in the car. Had she just let me be and do it, I sincerely believe I'd have been more than fine. Still it instilled a specific fear in me, a self doubt that was not present before then.
In high school was the first time I came up against people who rivaled my book intelligence and my logic abilities. I enrolled in the International Baccalaureate Programme, and it was a magnet for not only my county, but for a 6 county radius. It pulled in the top 200 kids from a huge radius and threw us all in classes together. Within 1 year that number was down to 52. Where I had been without peer prior, easily head and shoulders above any classmate now I had sincere competition. I still had no anxiety over it, nor over confidence. I simply didnt think about it. I went on and carried on business as usual. That is until I hit my 10th grade year. I made a major misstep. I prioritized a boy over my education, and as a result I fell embarrassingly behind. To the extent that I almost lost my position in the program. I had to plead for the chance to retake every single class, redo every assignment and every test not to alter my GPA, but to have the right to stay. I fought my way back in, and I fought HARD, but the stigma I put on myself as lesser, I did not fight against. I owned it. To the extent when it came time to apply for colleges I was crippled by anxiety. My peers went on to major universities such as Harvard, MIT, Yale, and Rice etc. While I set my eyes on Converse Women's college and another local university that I could attend for free due to a scholarship. I *did* at the prompting of my mother apply to another very large very very well known university (and was accepted) but when it came down to it, I was the subject of the poem. I know I told myself a lie and I've continued to lie to myself since. "I couldnt go that far. I had to stay nearby and take care of my mother." ... a complete and total lie. I was scared. I was afraid of failure. I was afraid to face the "big fish" afraid to find out i was a minnow who only deluded herself into believing she was any different from the other little minnows. It is easy to hold onto a lie when you are never forced to face the truth of yourself.
Man or mouse.
My Master recently remarked that it is amazing the lengths I've gone to in my life to put myself intentionally in a situation that I'm not forced to stand on my own two feet, where I escape some of the fears and trappings of adult responsibility. This chafes because I view myself as having to become very responsible and very self reliant at an awfully young age. Still, at the same time, he has a very good point. That was true. That WAS true. Then a circumstance came that forced me to doubt myself and instead of pushing through it, I bought the fear.

Now this is not me sounding the trumpets and declaring *CHARGE* down the path. no. This is simply me acknowledging that I see it. I have willfully and intentionally turned from the path and chosen the safer path every time. Which path has a heart for me? I do not know yet.

~Faithfully His,
Angie :rose:

PS. next up: devotion, dedication, discipline
 
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For anyone who is interested, this thread will be quiet for a while. I need to take a step back and regroup. I'm sure I will be back to learning and posting my lessons at some point, but for now I need to handle some things.

Be well. If you need anything I'm sure I'll check in on occasion. I just dont have anything of myself to give right now.

Faithfully His, and gratefully so,
Angie :rose:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOQz_ulqqkI
 
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Smile. I actual think its a nice touch to have a voice recording. I think the first two links are the same.

Thanks for sharing.
 
Family Dynamics​


Didn't I just say that I really wasnt in the mood to write? Indecisive thing aint I? :eyeroll:

I've been bouncing around the idea about writing this for a couple days now, and I think I'm going to go ahead and do.

So, it's pretty clear to everyone who bothers to read a word I write that this girl is very much owned. I've also opened up very briefly and in very little detail about the fact that my Master is in a polyamorous relationship, in that I'm not my Master's only girl. Our relationships do not involve eachother, though we try to all be friends. One of the things I've never chosen to speak about here or anywhere else is the fact that I've an "Auntie." (I'm also a Big Sister and a Little Sister to two other submissives, but that is the subject for another post).

The first thing I'm going to say is my Auntie ROCKS. She is the most awesome human being that happens to be female that I know. She is also the only female on the planet that I trust. I have a very very very low trust factor for women. As a whole I have found most women to be fickle, backstabbing, judgmental, and selfish. :( I have a few female friends at work, but I never consider someone a friend until they have stuck around 3 years past me being their boss or mentor. I have a few online female acquaintances that I'd LIKE to be friends with, but no one actually takes the time to keep in contact on any kind of regular basis, shrug. Auntie is the exception.
I owe the very existence of my relationship to her. If she had not been in dire straights the night Daddy and I met, I don't know that he would have seen my soul so very clearly.

What is an "Auntie?" Well... my Auntie is a female Dominant who acts as a mediator where necessary. I was origianlly very scared of this idea because of some past landmines in my life. I'd had a Dom Mentor before, but it tends to get messy and sticky and just doesnt work well. Auntie was a mutual friend of Daddy and mine. She was someone we both respected greatly. She surpasses us both in age and experience (but for the record she is HOT :eek: like seriously if I'm half as hot as her at her age I'll be doing GREAT! DAYUM.). When Daddy and I sat down to write our contract one of the things that was heavy on his conscience was the fact that in signing it, I give up my own moral agency. This is a part of who we are and what we want for our lives. He is a big believer that absolute power corrupts absolutely. He also knows me, and he knows that voicing dissent or discomfort is very hard for me.
A couple months into the relationship he approached me about whether I'd be comfortable if he asked her to be a checks and balances for us of a sort. She would have no direct dominion over me or him, but she would be a safe place for both of us if things got sketchy, more than that she would check in on us and point out any landmines she saw coming that we didn't. i liked the idea and gave mt agreement. Then we approached her, I think we both kinda did right around the same time. She had her own walls up and moats and fire breathing dragons and she kinda prefer to be alone ... just like Daddy... but somehow she decided she likes me ^__^ and she agreed.

So i have an Auntie.
Over the months we have become really fast friends. I adore her more than I can say. She has had times when she was more or less involved in the relationship, but she is always a part of my heart.

What is good about having an Auntie? Well, I don't run and tattle to her whenever I'm upset or something, that isn't what it is about... but when I'm confused or lost or feeling scared (which is blissfully RARE) but when my heart and mind slip from where they belong she knows exactly how to nudge me back where I belong. Why?
Because she understands him SO WELL. 0___0 She is like a female him in soooooo many ways. Many times we will talk for an hour and then one thing just one part of a phrase will kick off a memory of something he said and it answers EVERYTHING. She tends to know exactly where he is going and why, even if he hasnt talked to her about it. She also GETS me.
I'm not "wired differently" for her, because she has dealt with other people like me. Auntie wears a necklace for two people in her life; I'm one of them <3 not a collar, just a commiseration. Auntie understands little me, submissive me, slave me, and Aspeiwoman me. She understands Dominant Daddy, Master Daddy, INTJ Daddy.

What do I do for Auntie? IHAVENOCLUE! LOL! I love her to bits. i tell her often. I show her that people can be real and trustworthy. I care, genuinely, about her as a person as a mom, as a friend. I flirt with her just a little bit ;) :p she knows i think she is absolutely gorgeous and maybe someday we will actually get the chance to play with our rope together! Most of all I just love her.


I'm a Big Sister to a girl I know r/l in my home state. I help her vet people and events. We talk through her life and her journey. I'm not in a position of authority over her , but she does tend to seek my help and advice.

I'm a little sister to another mutual friend. <3 She is also a Domme that we know, and I had the chance to give her big giant hugs last year. She is full of all kinda of helpful advice and good humor. I wear a bracelet for her, and she wears one for me. I know that no matter what, she will always be my Big Sister. <3

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What a difference a Year Makes​
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It's already been noted on here that I'm a teacher. One of the hardest stories I teach is an excerpt from the story The View From Saturday . It took seven years of teaching the same curriculum for one student to ask why it was called that. The whole meaning is lost due to the excerpt... but when it was asked I has to sit down and compose myself.

At the time it was asked; not three days before my whole life had been turned upside down. I'd found out that my husband of 9 years had been cheating on me, not only our WHOLE marriage, but the entire 13 years I'd known him. When I'd fallen asleep that night it was the first time he had reached over and touched my fingers in years and years. It took until a month ago to realize how much that simple act stuck inside me. When I met my ex Daddy I used to "play with his fingers"... it took me three years to recognize that I was struggling with the abrupt juxtaposition of that loss of intimacy.
The next morning I woke up and my whole world was upended. It has felt like a series of earthquakes; some big and some small ever since.

To that student I was finally able to explain that life can change drastically in the blink of an eye. In the story when the main character went to sleep on Friday her world looked one day, but within the space of a day... The View was completely different. This has held true so many times throughout life... for better or worse.

Other changes are so subtle and gradual you never notice them until you stop to look around and realize the whole world is different without your notice.

A year ago today I had done a good bit of work to pick myself up and put the pieces of my life back together after numerous wounds done both by myself and others. I was finally starting to see calm again. I had a decent group of friends, a good place to call home, and a really amazing Sir who really enjoyed working with me to get my head on straight.

There was nothing unusual about the day. No fireworks, no birds singing or bright shining lights to signal a huge shift in reality.... a single comment on a blog led to a random PM, led to an invitation to further conversation, led to a concerned empathetic recording to calm a woman I'd barely known.

One conversation turned into a year where we have never gone a single day without speaking. It took over a month of conversation for me to even agree to consider a committed D/s relationship again. Most relationships in my life have begin with fireworks and parades. I've fallen quick and hard... this was a slow and steady thing... it was completely unusual. Respect was what I felt first, followed by appreciation, admiration, and intrigue. Adoration, loyalty, and attachment came next. Finally, devotion, love, and trust.

Yes... that order is intentional and accurate. The love snuck up on me I still can;t pinpoint the moment when I truly fell in love with him, and that is a first. Trust, sincere and deep is one that is still building.

What I know is this:

in the last year I've become a better employee. I'm happier. I smile often. I'm more together as far as concentration and organization. I'm healthier and prioritizing more appropriately. I've begin to invest in my life again. I'm a better more patient and attached mother. My anxiety is almost non existent. My stress levels are way down. i am happier with the person I am. I'm better able to handle and express my emotions. I'm less defensive and less confrontational, but I'm also less afraid of confrontation when it must happen.
In short, a year has made all the difference.

Thank you for the most important year of my life, thus far, my Lord. Thank you for putting in the work each and every day. Thank you for loving both of us.

I'm actually going to be physically standing in front of you the day I will have been wearing your collar for a year. I can't wait to celebrate that year with you, too.

~with all of my love and devotion,
your girl.


PS... t-130 days until we are face to face! I can't imagine a better way to celebrate than having purchased my plane ticket today!

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HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!
Someone for Everyone/ One size does NOT fit A/all​

Whew! What a wild ride?!
Well, this blog is entitled Lessons Learned for a darn good reason. Sometimes it may be hard to discern what the lesson was in what I posted, but there always was one, even if it was just for myself. I hope that along the way there are useful or at least mildly entertaining lessons for anyone who makes the time to drop by and read (<3 love to the Lion for the post that I saw elsewhere. Thank you. I'm claiming it. )

Today I'm being simultaneously retrospective as well as looking forward to the future. Today we celebrate 1 year of being in eachother's lives, of being allowed to bear witness to eachother's joys and stresses, successes and struggles. In looking back, one of the things that I kept thinking about was the irony of how we met.

We met due to a random post on someone else's blog. You disagreed with the post, I made a valid point that required you to rethink. You had the honesty to thank me for my point, then to go the step farther to reach out to talk.

The irony is that the very post that I was defending was also one of the ones that hurt me the most. I won't go publicly into the why, but it is evidence enough that I remembered exactly which number in the litany it was.

Today in rereading it, it caused far less hurt than I'd have imagined. This leads me to today's lesson learned. It has been a solid year, or more appropriately, a lifetime in the making; There is Somebody for Everybody, but at the same time, nothing, including good people are one size fits all.

It probably seems like it is the simplest thing in the world... just because someone is good does not mean they are good FOR YOU, and just because you are good does not mean you are good FOR someone else. The latter is harder for me to accept. I've always taken it pretty hard when someone decided to walk out of my life. In my head I kept protesting: I'm a good woman. I deserve a chance! I'd bend myself inside out and upside down to try to fit a "good person".

The man who wrote the following blogs was a prime example of a "good man" but one that just was not "good for me" and vice versa. None the less, he has some wonderful pearls of wisdom in his writing.

The following is a three part series he wrote which I believe is chock full of important lessons, many of which I've carried with me on my journey forward.

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The Secret Side of submission pt 1:
If you are reading this you have a very good idea of what submission is and what it is not. Spankings are good; vanilla is bad and so on right? But what happens when things aren’t just so? When things between the Dom and his/her sub are a bit off? I am reminded of the Keanu Reeves movie, The Matrix. When he noticed a “glitch” in the Matrix that indicated a greater underlying problem.

I have talked with many subs that have been the victims of abuse. Most will admit that they are “broken” and looking for a Dom to bring them to safety. As Doms, we are glad to do it. It is what we do, fix the broken… and have sex. But what happens when the Dom is off? Do you get dissatisfied and leave because he is not doing his part? He is there to give you the attention while you are servicing him, right? We are all humans. We have our faults and our incredible side. We are all subject to the loss of jobs, bad marriages, loss of a close friend or relative and the list goes on. Often at the same time. Stress happens. As Doms, we are a proud bunch. We don’t want to admit when, as a good sub friend told me, “This adulting stuff is hard!” When he is down, don’t distance yourself from him/her. Support them, talk to them. Be inquisitive. As Doms, we don’t open up easily. Ask us and if we don’t answer, talk about something else. Keep them talking. They need you at that moment. If they won’t talk to you, ask them again tomorrow and the next day and so on. It is what a submissive does, to support her Dom. But we never talk about when the Rock needs a safety net. It is the secret side of submission. To hold and comfort him. To be his safe harbor. He will come out of it, we always do. When we do, we will remember that you were there when we needed you.
Part 2: The Teeth of the Bear, and the submissive's Secret Weapon

I was very pleased at the reaction to “The Secret Side of submission”. (If you haven’t read it yet, read it first. Then this one will make more sense.) In particular, one response led to a discussion. She has inspired me to write Part 2. She is an amazing submissive.

One of a sub’s greatest attributes is also a huge detractor. Women, in general, (male subs too) are in touch with their feelings. A submissive can sense when something is off with her Dom. Often before he knows. It is a gift… and a curse. She knows exactly what to do. SHE will go in and “fix” the problem which translated means, that she will fix him. She puts on her Super sub cape and dives in! Only to be met by the angry bear that she has now angered and his sharp teeth. Her sensing what is wrong is the gift. Her trying to “fix” it is the curse.

Doms, in general don’t do feelings. Feelings aren’t logical. Feelings aren’t practical. Domination is about control and sex, right? Too often a very solid relationship will end badly and for good reason when the Dom shuts down or closes himself off. At that point a submissive has three choices. She can try to “fix” him and most subs do. That approach never ends well. Or she can tell him to take a flying hike, that she has had enough and many subs do.

There is a third approach, the road less travelled, if you will. You care for your Dom very much. You have invested a great deal of time and effort into this relationship. You don’t want to see it end like this. The submissive has a secret weapon that very few Doms can resist and yet very few subs know how to use successfully. When he shuts down we will presume that it is due to stress and not just being a jerk. You have done sexy with him. It is what he wants; it is what he needs… most of the time. When he won’t respond to you, when he seems to be distancing himself from you, it is time to try a different approach. It is time for the submissive’s secret weapon.

The natural tendency for a sub when things start to strain in the relationship with her Dom is to apply more sex, more naughtiness. After all, it is what won him over in the first place, your sexiness. It is just the opposite that applies now. When your Dom is stressed your need for attention stresses him more. Don’t worry it is only temporary. Just don’t push him away.
The submissive secret weapon…
Apply equal parts of conversation, tenderness and … wait for it…
Your amazing smile.

Conversation – Keep him talking as best you can. Find safe subjects to chat about, not questions about how he is doing and for goodness sake…DON’T ASK HOM HOW HE IS FEELING.

Tenderness – It is what draws a Dom to you. It is your vulnerability, your weakness. Not to be manipulated, but enjoyed. To drink you in completely. Many subs (and Doms) have been hurt badly and emotionally in the past. When a relationship is strained, now is not the time to rebuild your walls. Let them down further. Show him it is him that you want HIM, that you trust HIM. Be tender and soft with him.

Your smile – I laugh when I see a sub giving her best sexy pout. She saw it in a magazine or in porn. The honey that will draw a Dom in every time is your big toothy genuinely happy smile. Think about it. Your task is to please your Master. Once he is pleased, you should be very proud, very happy… so smile.


Part 3: The Dom Opener

The purpose of “Secret Side of submission” post has been to give you some insight from a Dom’s perspective when the Dom goes quiet and your relationship stalls. Typically it is caused by external stress that he is feeling. Your reaction as a submissive is key to your continued relationship.

If you do nothing, he may assume that you don’t care, get distracted and leave.

If you push to want to know more, to “fix” what is wrong, you will add more stress to him and push him away.

Stay close, keep up the conversation as best that you can, change subjects, etc. Keep the relationship light and active. He will appreciate it. When life settles out for him (and it always does), he will remember your actions fondly.

There is a surefire thing that you can do to both get him engaged and take a temperature of your relationship at the same time. It is the “Dom opener”. It is a can opener for sealed off Doms, if you will. Over the years, I have suggested it and many submissives have rejected it due to its simplicity. From a Dom’s perspective, it works amazingly well. Not only that, it works when the relationship is at it’s best. Put it into your routine, once a day, twice a week, when the conversation stalls and so on.

“Master, how may I serve you today?”

Spoken with humility, it is the most powerful thing that you can say. It is what he wants to hear. Don’t abuse it. Don’t over use it. Mean it sincerely when you say it. Be prepared to do whatever he says next. When applied honestly, it works every time.





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At the time I read this, it took me to my knees for the umpteenth time with massive pangs of guilt and self accusations. I was still in heavy heavy hurt over my own past and my perceived and very real failings. I reached out to the Dominant in question, who spoke with me at length regarding how it impacted me, why, and what to do moving forward. I owe him a huge debt of thanks for his time and care.

Almost a year later I vacillate almost constantly between extreme anger at some things, and huge guilt and self hate over others. A person I've come to regard as a friend (though I he would probably categorize me as an acquaintance and nothing more), spent some time talking to me. In the process he said some rather profound things to me regarding forgiveness. He was the first person to speak to me about guilt and blame that I could actually hear and accept. He didn't have a horse in the race, and had no reason to "be kind" to me. What he said had probably been said to me 10 or 20 times before, but i just couldn't hear it. He told me that I had probably tried my hardest to be there and pull my person out of the hurt they were in, but that sometimes we just can't. Sometimes our best just isnt good enough, or it isn't the good enough that the person needs. It doesnt mean the effort and love weren't there, it just couldn't take hold. I know those aren't his words, but it is what finally stuck. He told me that I needed to forgive myself in order to move forward. He was right. I sat there that night and cried ugly tears for the millionth time, but this time they were ugly healing tears. In all honesty, it felt like the words I needed to hear from the person I felt I'd failed. I needed that forgiveness from them; and that forgiveness will never be coming, but my soul accepted this instead.

I've talked here about the day that I cried over the words "I'm proud of you." Those words meant more to me than "I love you" ... far more... because I do love myself, but i'm not proud of myself. The root, I've come to accept, is my lack of forgiveness. I can't say that it is a completed lesson... it is still a work in progress, but I have begun to accept that lesson; to begin to forgive myself for not being the right person at the right time in the right way for those who count on me. I have begun to accept that just because I'm a good woman does not mean I'll be my best always. It also doesn't mean I'll be good for everyone, and this is not a failing.

Thank you, friend, you too have left your mark on my life and I am more grateful than you know.

Faithfully His,
Angie :rose:

For my Master <3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Jy8pK7tTzg Oh that's right! Cause you are the one on my mind, Boy what you do do do do do!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9oWQvp8y4Kc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acb-js00c40
 
*** Reality Alert***

So, I don't log onto Facebook *ever*. My friends all called me in a panic two years ago when they saw my name come up as a potential friend. They thought surely it must be a prank. I assured them that, no, it really was me... but it wasnt that I was joining "social media" I was just asserting my newfound independence. It was a big ol middle finger to my soon to be ex husband.

When I logged on last night I found a very urgent message from an old co worker whom I'd been close to at one time. It was written two weeks ago, and she desperately needed to call me. We spoke this morning and I've been crying on and off throughout the day today.
My students are my kids. It is not like in the West... I teach my children for years at a time. I help raise them. When there is an issue at home, I'm the one who knows. One of my babies had an issue that I didn't know about and my excoworker was calling me to ask me if I'd really stood by and done nothing. I was absolutely dumbfounded. I frightened my daughter awake with my scream when I heard what had happened. Of course I'd not stood by and done nothing! I had no idea! Why my baby did not come and find me... pull me out of a class I dont care GET ME! What do you MEAN you didn't tell her father? How could you not tell her father? What do you MEAN you convinced her brother not to go rip the man's throat out? I'll do it for him!

It took me quite a number of hours for the shock to wear off... it isnt the first time... it has happened too many times, more than I'd ever like to remember, but it hurts the same every time. I've seen my baby girl at least 10 times since then and hugged her tightly every time... how could i not have noticed that she wasnt alright?

Then my co worker told me a second piece of news I did not know. This was ancient history... but it completely rewrote the past three years going on four for me. See... I had been angry with her. I'd never told her. I'd never confronted her. I didnt feel there was a point. I was standoffish. I ignored her when she came back last year... I thought she had abandoned me. She had not trusted me. She left without ever saying goodbye (one MORE person who did that in the litany... and what she didn't know is that was the year I'd need her MOST! Selfish.) Little did I know she had to leave urgently. She was attacked and hurt very badly the one time she went out at night with some girlfriends. She was dragged under a car and nearly died. She had a terrible blood clot from years before that was managed with medication which was stolen, along with her bag... so when she left she left fearing for her safety. No one knew. *guilt* For someone who demands that others judge me by my intentions ... know me better... fuck was I a hypocrite.

All of the realities of life came crashing in. The things I prefer to hide my head in the sand and pretend don't frighten me... or jokingly laugh off with a blithe "I like breathing"... all of it...
I had this brief image of me getting off a plane with my daughter ... then curled up on a specific place in a specific building which I cant even HERE name for fear... and it was all too much. I curled up in a ball and cried myself to sleep beside my girl who was already fast asleep. The fact that what my friend said was absolutely true...
She couldn't think like here anymore, it hurt her brain. She said that when you are here it all seems normal, but after being back all the crazy washes off and it feels like you can think again. I remember pacing a specific hotel room floor jumping between carpet diamonds saying to my Sir how worked up I was about having to hold my breath for another year. How It feels like slowly drowning here... it feels like there is no oxygen, there is no space... eventually you get used to it just in time to go back and take another breath of air. It slowly drives you crazy. The fact that my daughter won't even know what that fresh air smells like, feels like. I had to hear my friend chastise me one more time "Why the hell did you do this? Why *name?* "Because I was young and stupid and stubborn. I can't even excuse it away.

I wish I could say that it was enough to say "at least I'm here to be Tiger Momma and eviscerate the son of a b**** who hurt my baby girl... If I werent here, who would? Who would stand up to the boogey man?" But no... not at the expense of my own baby girl.

I was headed to bed when I ran across this and it was so appropriately done that I was moved to post this rant into the Universe. We all feel this pressure... and yes, men feel it too in their own ways. I dont believe that acknowledging their struggles their stresses in any way negates or diminishes these any more than acknolwedging that Western Women who have every freedom to make these CHOICES to listen to the voices or say Fuck it and march to their own drum negates the struggles of women here who have no choice, who have no voice.

https://youtu.be/fZPabO7fY-U

Do you know that where I live, the quickest way to label a woman on a TV show as a whore is to have her laugh aloud? Read that sentence again and let it sink in. A woman is not allowed to laugh in public, if she does ... what a harlot.

The first divorce attorney I contacted within 30 minutes, I kid you not, was hitting on me. "I can;t believe a man would leave you for a year and a half." "You must have been a wonderful wife. Any man would be lucky." and today I woke up to a rose from him. >.> No. Just, No.
No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no!

I want a do over. I want to wake up. I want to make better choices. I would like to not have to pay for the choices I made in the stupidity of youth for the rest of my life... but we don't get that now do we? None of us do. The one thing I wont do is repeat my mistakes so anyone who wants to "help" with an eye to get something out of the deal or twist my arm and bow me can buzz right off.

Today the world looks just a little less magical than I prefer to see it... maybe tomorrow it will look sunny again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=164&v=fZPabO7fY-U&feature=emb_logo

~Faithfully His,
Angie :rose:
 
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We are moving on a theme here the last week apparently, and it all just came to a breaking point.
So, last week I got the green light from my Master to actually contact a lawyer to start moving on the divorce. He has been unavailable to talk really since then. I've been treading water, but slowly sinking... see... as bad as things are here, I've a level of immunity. There is a threshold that it can't cross... or so I thought. I found the breaking point, and I've had to wade through waters I could only imagine and it isn't as bad as it's going to get, not by a longshot.

My conversations with friends and coworkers for the last two days have all begun the same me "Can I make you laugh?" "Sure!" "you know you are in X country when 15 minutes after contacting a divorce lawyer they start hitting on you." "HAHA SERIOUSLY?" "Yes. *straightface*"
I then proceed to show them a part of the conversation which ... scares me the more I look at it and their reactions to the person follow this "OMG He is shameless?! Well... so what are you gonna do? Just go with it. At least you will get your divorce. After though God help you."
....
I laugh along with them and try to keep myself calm though the first time I reacted instinctually and said back way too loud "what do you MEAN "Go with it?! Go with WHAT?"

The gist of it is that if i dont... he can damage me. He knows too much already and knows too many people.

So I've been trying to hold all this and waiting till I could talk to my Master today, who, was also incredibly busy and stressed out so I tried to hold it still but I couldn't. I ended up sobbing on the phone harder than he has ever heard me cry about anything because the reality of it set in earlier today.

I was walking through my kitchen putting groceries away and the thought went through my mind: "As bad as my ex was, at least he has no power like that. He can trap me in one way, but in oither ways no." ... this person is WAY scarier. Then the thought of actually being in a relationship with ANYONE here EVER again made me literally want to throw up. I ended up in dry heaves in my kitchen. The reality just got heavier as it settled in. As much as I've lived to experience true oppression and generalized harassment I've never had to experience this before and as it all came pouring out on the phone just now it was a whole new level of reality to actually choke out the words "I need you! I cant do this alone. You dont understand I've just spent three days being sexually harassed by my would be lawyer."

I think the moment the reality of it set in for me was when a male person who is close to me warned me to be careful of signing the power of atty here because yes, i HAVE to... but once I do he can really fuck me over. There is no undoing anything he does with it.

My Master didn't understand why I'd have to sign that, and I had to explain that here... i'm a woman. i have no legal standing at all. I'm literally not a legal entity. I can not approach the court alone, in many cases I cant even speak in the court at all. I've no father or brothers who could act in my stead so I HAVE to have a lawyer and they HAVE to have this to act as my "guardian" <<< that didn't sit well, but it isnt in my control.

Heavy heavy heavy things. hurtful things. scary things.

So I'm not in my normal happy go lucky easy mood. I'm very much in my den/hole/nest and I love my friends but right now emotions are too much and too big.

PS... evisceration of the other sexual harasser that my students face is on slight hold. Investigation took a turn and they are paying attention to something for a week so I can know which direction to turn.

Life is too much sometimes. Can't people just not be assholes? please?

~Faithfiully His,
Angie :rose:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMbIipvQL0c

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xoG0Xv3vs0
 
Not D/s related... entirely real life... but I have no place else to talk about this and this is the one place I don't think it will be found.

The bind I'm in, the bars of the cage are becoming more and more clear. Where it was vague comprehension before now everything is starting to take on definition. I'm going to try to explain this before I completely lose it, but no guarantees.

I've heard back from the big scary good lawyer (the creepy harasser is still messaging, but I think he is beginning to get the hint that I'll not be messaging back :/ ) and it started out as good news, but took a turn. < that's my life.

At first I was told that divorce and retaining custody of my daughter would be easy... then a few hours later I found out that no... it would not. To the extent that my employer no longer wants to be involved. see... whether this was planned or not, my ex did a very smart thing. He refused to sign my work permit for the last 12 years. The government knows I've been working, I've paid taxes every year... and they pay a fine every year for me not having a permit. It is just an open violation. Well... in order for me to retain custody of my daughter I have to have my work permit, my work permit has to be signed by my male guardian... he refuses to sign. If I divorce him I may lose custody of my daughter because i cant provide for her despite having the job because I cant legally retain it. I would be able to get the work permit on my own afterwards, but it would be too late.
Legally chattel.

edit:
a bit more explanation for anyone who cares but doesn't follow and understand...
where I live I'm not legally allowed to do anything without my husband's permission (including divorce his horrid ass). I'm not allowed to work without his permission, which he can deny. I'm not allowed to leave the house without his permission. I'm not allowed to seek medical care etc. I had a friend one time who was having a mascarriage at the hospital, and they refused to see her to help her until her husband arrived. They were concerned that a)he didnt know about the pregnancy or B) she had tried to cause herself an abortion. :/
Yes. Really.

Why am I so dead set on divorce now? this is the question people around me are pressuring me with. They keep trying to persuade me just to "live with it." I'm sorry, but that isn't life. Being constantly afraid that he can force himself into this house and hurt me with no recourse, or force me out of my home in the middle of the night with nothing but the clothes on my back. He wants to move in the same building as me and monitor my comings and goings... and that of his child. Simple things like opening the windows, going to the park, taking my child to a birthday party are all things I'm not allowed. When he was here I had to go from home straight to work and send an image from work to prove I was there, then call from the house phone to prove I was home afterward. No stopping anywhere for any reason. If I didnt answer the phone immediately when he called there was drama to the extent I had to take the phone to the restroom or message when I'd be showering. :mad:
I fucked up big time when I moved here. I threw my life away. Yes, good things have come out of it; my child and the students I adore... but living the fear and the lies is too much day in and day out and it will only get scarier the older my child gets.
 
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oh lbj - how difficult.

Thanks for giving this insight -- it's hard to understand.

What we here take for granted!

Sending you loads of support.
 
Thank you, Cookie. The stupid part is, I did it to myself. Myself and my kiddo. I'm American. I moved here, I wasnt dragged or born here. It is my own stupid fault. I claim youthful stupidity and exuberance...and naive blind trust.

Don't get me wrong, I've met loads of amazing people and had a very interesting life. Heck, I can say I was part of a Revolution. Not too many people can say that! But in the end, the price is too high and the obstacles to freedom are huge.

I havent allowed myself to even consider what life might look like in years, prior to the last week. At one point I thought I'd found a way and I let myself see it. Now I dont again, and it is crushing.

I know two of the things that will happen this summer when I get to see my Master: #1 I'm going to cry about this until I cant cry any more. #2 I'm point go get the only spanking he will ever give me and it is for putting myself in this and one other situation. It isnt because he wants to take it out on me, but because he knows I need that to get over this. To truly be over all the hurt I've caused my family, him, myself, my kids, and my loved ones.
 
The last couple days have been interesting but I've not been much in the mood for talking. Atop it all I'm massively sick (and still on the downslide).

Daddy and i had a bit of a rough patch too the last two days, but today he required me to do not a darn thing but watch a specific show; "The Good Place". One of the moments in the show was really really ironic so I made him a present. He hasn't seen it yet, but I think he will laugh as much as he will laugh when he gets his present this summer. Nope, not tellin, but it'll be funny to be sure.

Sooooooooooooooo i made him a helpful little sign. it's right up there with emotional safewords (no, i havent explained that concept to him.... it's reserved.)

attachment.php

Faithfully His,
Angie :rose:
 

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I Trust You​

I've been teaching my students the concept of Irony the last couple of weeks; dramatic, verbal, and situational irony. Twice in the last couple of days one of my kids has popped into a conversation to say "situational irony!" or "verbal irony" and they have been right.

The funniest of them was quite sad.

I work in an Islamic school and there has been a bit of a panic over the coronavirus thing. Now I'm desperately ill with the flu given that I've got some compromised lung function. I'm truly ill, but it has nothing to do with the coronavirus.

The school sent this religious educator into the classroom on ?Wednesday? To ask the kids if they were afraid, to which they replied "yes". He proceeded to explain to them they should not be because if they pray and wash for prayer magically the coronavirus falls off :/
I was dying but knew to keep my mouth shut. He picked up my board marker to write on the board and when he left I shut the door and said "all that might actually be true... but SCIENCE ... if he doesnt wash his hands with SOAP when he leaves this room within 2 weeks he will be ill with the flu. The kids all popped out with "situational irony!" I was so proud I almost cried.

When my soon to be ex husband and I started talking one day he asked me "Do you trust me?" he meant it as a pretty innane question. It was off the cuff and had no deeper meaning, but my answer shocked me. I did really and truly trust him. That was the minute the relationship went from play interest to serious interest.

Today I am still working on the concept of how to walk out trust. How to live out trust. It is a hard won lesson, probably the hardest won lesson for me of all.

The last week has been really a whirlwind. I was in a terrible car accident on Sunday. The car was totaled and two people died. I was unharmed as was my driver. My daughter was not in the car, thankfully (she was with him because she has been sick as well and the doctor said she should not go to school.) The roads where we are are notoriously dangerous with major deadly car accidents nearly daily. We have been pretty safe up until now because it was 5 lanes. We could stay away from the huge semis which are the problem. This past week the road has been under construction and been taken to 2 lanes. We can not avoid those dangers anymore, and will not be able to for some months.

I took the step to look for an apartment for myself and my daughter closer to my work which would get us off that road. On Wednesday I found an apartment and signed a lease, and actually went back to get a bag of my most important things and took it back to my new home. I've been here ever since. I was feeling really good and very accomplished. I felt SAFE for the first time in years and years. Yesterday after school I went walking and discovering my neighborhood and was on top of the world. My intent had been to sit down with him on Saturday when he returned our daughter to show him the pictures of the car accident and explain and I expected he would see the danger and you know... be a decent father?

Well... he never ceases to be the remarkable ass that he truly is. He knew I hadnt been home. (I dont know how, but I'm not good at lying anyhow, so I didnt bother to try) I explained what I'd done and why after he accused me of sleeping at someone else's house (dangerous here... dangerous for my custody) and instead of actually being concerned for her safety and well being, his focus is on himself. He threatened me to consider wisely my decisions lest he handle things differently and lose patience with me. So things have become even more precarious.
I don't know what is in his mind, but I know this is a tipping point. Saturday will show me what is coming.

So I sat here shaking like a leaf afraid that history is repeating myself and I'll not see my daughter on Saturday... then I realized that what my Daddy needs most of me is trust. That fear is the antithesis of trust. That fearing him is actual belief that he can do me and our daughter harm which outweighs the trust I have in my Daddy to keep us safe. That he will make sure, no matter what, that this man will do no permanent harm to my daughter or myself.

If I live or act in fear of my ex it is me saying I believe his power more than I believe that Daddy will protect us. Yes, I know it is more complicated than that... laws and legalities and lots of other things get in the mix... but the fact of the matter is that the law is on my side. I've made sure of that. It is only the temporary short term that is the concern. Do I live in fear of what my ex can do to make my life hell in the short term or trust that Daddy is a better logician than I am and is looking our for our long term best interest?

So I'm choosing to live in the act, the verb, of trust. To walk out my words and stop shaking like a leaf. To not let him steal my joy and my peace. He knows now that I'm in the city I work in, but he has no idea where. My home is safe. I've my own key that he does not have. Yes, there are a few things in my old house that I'd be sad if I lost, but in the end, I already brought here everything that was MASSIVELY important (except my good collar :( I think I forgot that :( )

So I don't know what the next few months will being. I know Saturday will be important, and then everything after that will be a direct consequence. I know when all is said and done I will owe my Lord and Master a huge thank you for coming into my life and giving me the courage and the direction to make the changes that lead to my and my daughter's freedom. Until then, I will walk in true TRUST in Him and God that we will be safe and better off, we will know peace and happiness someday.

~Faithfully His;
Angie :rose:

PS on my walk yesterday I found two important things #1 pink socks with daisies and ..... cows. *ROFL*

and #2 a beautiful husky puppy named Daisy. Yes, really. Dogs aren't a thing here... so when I saw two boys with a pretty clean dog I asked if she was friendly and they said yes. She licked the heck out of my hand (they tried to apologize and I waved them off... it is an Islamic thing... ) I took a picture of Daisy too. I hope i run into her again. It was really a confirmation to me that I was on the right pathway.
 
The last few days in the new house have seen Daddy and my relationship take on some new characteristics. He has always been very involved in my life and my daughter's (I about keeled over the day he called her our daughter and he meant it <3) , but the last week he has been even moreso. He has asked me to do some things with her to ease her transition into the new house and such. As a result I'm looking back at my life and again wishing that he were in fact my Daddy. Life would have been SO different.

One of my assignments this week is to build a pillowfort. At one point this was a favorite go to of mine, but I havent managed to do so in months and months... too much hurt. He needs me to let go of that. He needs me to do that for myself and our daughter. He also wants me to sit down in said pillowfort and watch my favorite film which also carries a lot of hurt right now.

To those ends.... here are some
Circles in the Sand​
Circles in the Sand


*note this is a repost from elsewhere. It is not recent, but it is relevant. *

When I was 6 years old just barely, my mother broke her back.
she was working a church retreat. She CHOSE not to go to the hospital and seek help and rather waited the weekend. That Choice likely affected the rest of our lives.

I had spent the week at my aunt's house playing with my cousins. I remember laying on the backseat on the way home (I had and still have terrible motion sickness which I manage by sleeping in the car) I was listening to a specific audio tape.

When my aunt got to the house, she dropped me off at the sidewalk. This was odd, but I was 6. It didnt occur to me. I remember opening the door to the house and I could see into my mom's bedroom from where I stood. she was hooked up to all kinda of monitors and she was flat on her back. My father came out of the room and stood in front of me for a moment and looked at me. I remember looking up at him and asked "Daddy, is Mommy going to die?" that was my 6 year old question. Not "What happened?" nope. "Daddy, is Mommy going to die?" my father did not say a word. He walked past me, took his keys from the secretary desk and walked out. Closed the door. I was alone with my newly paralyzed mother for 5 days. I climbed on cabinets to reach dishes. I managed to wash her into a blow up pool.
Two years later my word for bridging from Daisies to Brownies was "resourceful" ... they had NO idea. This is why Pippi Longstocking is my emotional twin.

my fav movie as a kid... pretty telling:

6 days later I went to live with my guidance counselor... a member of our church. Then a family with the dad as a firefighter... another family who had an aupair from Germany... another family who the dad was a police officer and the mom a flight attendent... and quite a few others. I moved around for 2 years. Sometimes wherever I was would be kind enough to take my mom to see me on Saturday. sometimes. I have an irrational HATE for batman because in the first house I slept in the room at the top of the house, it was dark and there was this light up Batman phone. it was neon green and terrifying. I had the stupid tape I'd been listening to on the way home. "There's a new world coming and it's coming round the bend. There's a new voice calling and it's calling you my friend. Calling in peace, calling in Joy, calling in love."
I can still hear it in my ears.

My father, the deacon, decided that handicapped wasnt in his marriage vows, neither was taking care of me.


Two years later my mom finally finished all her surgeries and was out of rehab. We moved to live with him. moved states. We were going to be a family again. Only there is part of the story that is dark. it is beyond the scope of the point. I was less than enthused about living with him. Still. It was Home. Right?

It lasted 8 months. They were by far the darkest 8 months of my life. I was 8 years old. I used to sit in my room and put my head into my stuffed cheechee doll that got for my 5th birthday (the one my dad promised to take me fishing on, but he didnt come home that weekend. So he brought me a stuffed animal instead. I did not accept the substitution. ) I would scream into cheechee "I want my DADDY. I want my REAL DADDY!" I would scream it and scream it and scream it until I would pass out asleep. I had reasons. My father would tell me "Quit crying or ill give you something to cry about!' and damn if he didnt make good on that threat.

My whole life was a series of those. I'm not going to air them all, but suffice to say every father figure in my life at some point or another just called it quits. There have been many. Youth group leaders, people we lived with, church members, even a boyfriend's father who took it upon himself to teach me what it meant to be a lady. He also tried to teach me to drive... it was a disaster. >.<

I quit allowing father figures in my life. I quit allowing myself to be "small" or vulnerable for a very long time. My willingness to allow someone to physically touch me... to please me... is a direct guage of my emotional well being with this issue.

This week i got some rather important medical news. I'm not ready to talk about it, not to anyone. I've never wanted to go back home more in my life. I know we all feel that way sometimes. My first Daddy has decided that he does not want to remain in my life any longer. Those wounds are very very fresh and all together too similar.

So... to those out there:

To all the Daddies who are Home to their little...
You can not imagine how very important you are. Please, be a safe harbor for the littles, middles, and bigs that you house. Keep them safe from the storms. Protect their hearts and their minds. Most of all, be there when their world falls apart. Please.

To all the Littles, Middles, and Bigs who have a Daddy wrapping his protective arms around you every day.
Be good to your Daddy. Make sure you remember to tell him and show him every single day just how important he is in your life. Make sure he knows his arms are your shelter and his heart your home. He needs to hear it and see it, every minute of every day.

Most of all... remember that it is worth fighting for. It is always worth protecting. Never ever lose sight of it. It is precious.

Everyone falls sometimes. Everyone has moments when they just *cant*. What is important is that you find your way back home to the safety of eachother's arms.

tldr:
ohana means family, and family means no body gets left behind. Our family is little now, and we dont have many toys, but you can stay if you want to. you can leave if you want to... I'll remember you though. I remember everyone who leaves.

Lost.... Stitch is Lost.

Believe it or not... the man I should have married... i met him at starbucks one night. He told me months later that he had been looking for me for 3 months. He saw me at a farmer's market with his friends. He passed me and saw me. He told his friends to wait, looped back around and apparently passed directly next to me to look at my face. He tells me he went back to his friends and said "I'm going to marry that girl.' He came back every weekend for 2 months looking for me... but he didnt know I was working in one of the shops. It had been my first and only Sunday off in 6 months. That night he was there with his friends and he followed me out to the lake. I was sitting in a rocker and i heard over my shoulder "Assalam alaikom." 'Wa alaikom Assalam." "you dont know me sister, but I'm Younus. I've been looking for you. Please sister, are you married?" "no, but i have a young son from a previous marriage." "sister, I would very much like to talk with you, please... will you give me your phone number? May I speak with your Walii?" "my son is ok with you?" "yes. Very much so." "then yes."
I had not walked two blocks when my phone rang ... "sister, I had to be sure you had really given me your phone number before you got out of my sight. i swear to God you are more beautiful and more precious than the moon. Thank you." ... i didnt know what to say, and I dont recall what i replied.
The very next day he showed up at my home with 6 bags of groceries and a stitch doll for my son. ... i was blown away. He would ride 6 miles in the heat on his bike to come and see me. The first time he walked into my store I saw his face and i went to take paper towels and dampen them with water so that he could cool off. He fell in love with me. He would take me to the masjid in his pocket via telephone. He would leave his phone on so that i could hear the taraweh prayer, even thought it did not count as my own recitation. I still liked to hear. Many nights he would come and visit me bringing Iftar with him from the masjid.
I can not tell you how stupid it is that I did not marry this man. But the story ends happily for him. He comes to see me every year when I go home. He is married and has a beautiful son. He is very happy. Still... I find it incredible that without ever knowing... he brought my son Stitch.

The story also ends happily for me, hopefully. With a life to look forward to with a man who not only understands my need for pillowforts and cuddles under blanket tents and watching silly movies to flat out assigning me to watch them when I just *can't*. Thank you Daddy for finding me when I least wanted to be found.
~faithfully His;
Angie :rose:
 
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Good morning peoples!
So, yesterday I went ahead and took a leap and posted a picture or five on here **covers face to hide the blushes**.
It was nothing overly risque. They show just as much as a one piece would, but I'm working on getting comfortable in my own skin. When I come back for the summer ( if flights are a thing again) I'm going to be sans scarf for the first time in over a decade closer to a decade and a half. :eek: I'm also probably going to aim for 3/4 sleeves and slightly below the knee dresses. Eeep! So working on being comfortable in.my own skin is important.

Thought I'd share some pretty flowers as well ♡

Cheers!
IeQEnYF

https://imgur.com/a/IeQEnYF
 
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