SHITS AND GIGGLES - Snexxers comedy club

[SirCorneliusWankumbush]

The doc told a man that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act."
"The man decided, 'What the hell, I'll try it.'

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, 'What?'

He heard, 'This is the police. What's going on down there?' The man replied, 'I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted.'

'Well,' the cop answered, 'you might as well check your brakes, too, while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.'"

 

[SimonSex]

Jeffrey Dahmer, when being cross examined in court on charges of murder and cannibalism, was asked to explain a jar of testicles found in his refrigerator.

His answer: Sometimes you feel like a nut.

 

[LaisDeMarieDeFrance]

I only have two or three Motown jokes left... four tops.

 

[Grumpy_OG]

I got fired from my job as a masseur.
Apparently I rub people the wrong way

 

[TiedbyChris]

My aunt's 80% Irish

We call her Iris

 

[MiloMcLeod]

I see Satan’s finally been arrested.
They got him on a possession charge.

 

[SimonSex]

The dentist schedules most tooth extractions for 2:30.

 

[SimonSex]

Billy Bob and Peggy Sue were setting on the veranda sipping on cold sweet tea on a hot Savannah afternoon, their bloodhound at their feet.

The hound commenced to licking its balls, as dogs will do. Billy Bob and Peggy Sue took note.

Billy Bob: “Dang. I wished I could do that.”

Peggy Sue: “Billy Bob, that dog would bite ya’!!”

 

[TiedbyChris]

This country is broken beyond repair. I just heard a gang has broken into a shop and stolen 500 cans of Red Bull

I honestly don't know how these people can sleep at night

 

[Grumpy_OG]

Cars today have too many options. I tried to back up and it showed me a video of someone getting run over!

 

[MiloMcLeod]

Just been sacked from the ice cream parlour for refusing to work on sundaes.

 

[snexxer]

I asked my girlfriend today if we could use the other hole for a change

She screamed at me, "that's fucking disgusting, i could get pregnant!"

 

[snexxer]

A maid goes to the lady of the house and demands a raise.

"Why should I give you a raise?" asks the lady.

"Because I cook better than you," says the maid.

"Who told you that?" demands the lady.

"Your husband," says the maid. "Also, I clean better than you."

"Who told you that?" demands the lady.

"Your husband," says the maid. "And, I'm a better fuck than you."

"Did my husband say *that* too?" hisses the lady.

"No," says the maid, "The gardener."

"...How big a raise did you have in mind?" says the lady.

 

[snexxer]

**I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:**

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


Sincerely,

**P. Niss**



**The Response**:

Dear P Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.


You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.


And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.


Sincerely,

**V. Gina**

 

[snexxer]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

'Well, let's have a look. Strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He proceeded to pinch her nipples, rubbing, pressing, and kneading both breasts in a very thorough and professional examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "It's no wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"Oh, I know that. I'm his Grandma, but I'm really glad I came."

 

[SimplyMsT]

Two guys are riding to work on the bus.
They both see two dogs doin’ at it on a lawn. One guy looks at the other and says, Jeez, I’d give anything to do it to my wife like that.” The other guy says, “Heck, that’s easy, just feed her three martinis.”
The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning.
“Well, did you get to do it to your wife doggie style?”
“Yes, but it took SIX martinis.”
“SIX martinis! How come so many?”
Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn.”

 

[snexxer]

My girlfriend dressed up as a cop and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence...

 

[SimplyMsT]

A penguin takes the car to the mechanic.
The mechanic says give me an hour to diagnose the problem. The penguin goes to dairy queen but gets the ice cream all over his face and body because he has to eat it without hands. So he goes back to check on his car.
The mechanic says, “Looks like you blew a seal.”
The penguin replies, “No it’s just a little ice cream.”

 

[snexxer]

A little girl asks her mom, “What is a penis?” Her mom said, “It’s that thing between Daddy’s legs.”

The little girl asked, “Well, then…what is a prick?” Her mom answered, “That’s the rest of Daddy.”

 

[SimplyMsT]

A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest asked, “What do you mean, almost?”
The man replied, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped!”
The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.”
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over and said, “I saw that! You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The man replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

 

[snexxer]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

 

[snexxer]

Altar boy goes to confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

 

[snexxer]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a 20 car pile-up on the expressway. You're going to be fine, you'll walk again and all that, but I have good news and bad news for you.

The bad news is that your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on...

"But, the good news is that you have a $30000 insurance settlement coming your way and modern technology now exists to build you a new penis. They work really great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $3000 an inch." The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for 30 some odd years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had 5" before and get 10" now, she might be a bit put out. On the other hand, if you had 10" before and you decide to get only 5" now, she might be disappointed.

It's important that your wife play a role in helping you to make a decision. So, the man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

Next day the doctor returns.
"So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes, Doctor, I have."

"What is your decision?"

"I'm getting 3 inches and she's getting a new Kitchen!"