ok you female subs

[graceanne]

My dad's side of the family is either deaf or going deaf, so I'm quick to pick up on facial expressions, and body language. Also my mother is a rage addict, so I'm also quick on picking up atmosphere. My mother has always used the 'cold routine' (cold eyes, silent treatment, etc) to get her way and to make everyone else miserable when she's pissed. Quite frankly, it seriously pisses me off. I think it's manipulative, and extreemly passive agressive. I always felt that if you have a problem, then it's your responsibility to let the other person know. And if you don't tell them, then it's not bugging you that bad. I guess that I'm overly sensitive about the cold routine, cause of her. Also, ,my sisters ex was like that too, and she finally left him for it. He wouldn't talk to her, she didnt' know what was wrong, but she was supposed to be sorry for it. She still doesn't know what his problem was. I think it was just his way of making her jump through hoops to keep him happy.

I use the cold look on my kids, but sparingly. I mostly use it in places where I need to be quiet. Like church, or when I'm on the phone, or at the dr's or whatever. They know what it means, and respond. But I don't keep using it after they've improved whatever it was they're doing. And I don't use it to 'get even' like my mother did.

K also uses the cold look, but it's usually acompanied by why he's upset. If he doesn't feel like talking about it, I just ignore his 'cold look' until he feels like communicating with me. I am not psychic, and I refuse to try to be. And quite frankly, K is ADHD and borderline diabetic. Sometimes his only problem is that he needs to eat. Once he eats, all of a sudden he's not mad at me. Go figure.

 

[Cherrysweetdeal]

I noticed that you said you "would not please him"...is this one of the thoughts that go through your mind?

I think the only way it can hurt is when it matters. I hope that you find your happiness once again cherry

Yes all my life I have dealt with depression and low self esteem and what not. Slowly overcoming it yet deep down I still wonder if its my fault somehow. I am looking for a little bit of approval if I do something for a person. Fear is one thing that causes me to perform a little worse then i should and it hurts to think about it.

One of my faults I admit and although I notice a persons behavior and movements and facial features, there is that little part that wonders what happened, who did what, and how do i fix it. For the most part the cold stare for me has been in a sense of disappointment. It hurts to see someone I love looking unhappy and as a friend, family member or lover I try to fix it as well as possible.

 

[YinandYang]

you didn't really think it was all about the boys did you?

Lets begin this conversation talking about cold eyes.

If you are an owned sub or slave how do you feel and react to the coldness in your Dominants eyes when you suspect that coldness has something to do with you or your behaviour?

If you are a submissive that hopes to be under the thumb of a Dominant at some time...how do you "imagine" these cold eyes would affect you. ( or is that effect language nazi's?)

Anyone care to join this inquisitive Mistress?

It hurts, it almost feels physical, like a thousand knives in my back at once. Its only happened with L once.

The background was that he had had a bad day at work and was stressed, I had had a bad day with my son (he is 4 and has Aspergers syndrome which sometimes makes his behaviour relentless). We both had our angry heads on and basically couldn't shift the feelings. When this happens to me normally I go for a long walk in the woods. L knows to let me go and get it out of my system. But this particular night we had planned to go out and were in a rush. Anyway...rambling...It ended up that we argued about some very petty stuff. I let off steam and took it out on L. The evening ended with me being punished. But the punishment was not as bad as the words he said. Which were (as he was using th crop, I hate that thing). 'This is NOT sexual' That was a huge short sharp shock to me. Normally our playtimes are just that, imaginary punishments for crimes made up or exgarated. But this was real and I saw that look in his eyes. I felt like shit basically. The pain I had caused him, multiplied in me. It was a low point for sure. BUT....afterwards the closeness we felt was amazing. The realisation that an argument wasn't left to fester and turn into resentment stored up for future issues was good.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Well, I think this is one of those "no black or white" areas that is impossible to accurately generalize about. Too many variables and individual circumstances to take into account. I can tell you what I think I'd do if I was dom and had a submissive with that porblem, but of course this is completely a guess because I don't have the temperment to dom someone: if it was just one expression, like the cold eyes, that bothered them, I'd hold it in check if it really freaked them out.

But as for me personally, as a submissive and as a human, I don't think coldness belongs in loving relationships, because it communicates distancing, avoidance, removal rather than engagement and involvement. If the relationship is crumbling, that sort of shit is to be expected, of course, but at any other time it seems horrifically inappropriate, at lesat to me. If I want coldness, I'll go fuck a stranger who could care less whether I live or die after the fucking's done. Anger certainly has its place in relationships, including bdsm relationships, but I prefer to receive it hot, even searing hot, rather than cold.

~~smile~~ thank you TaintedB
you are correct there are so many shades in between black and white that the answers will be diverse and once again is a CLEAR indication to anyone entering or desiring entering into a D/s or BDSM relationship to do so with eyes wide open to real compatibility in as many facets of the emotional needs corresponding with the realities of both.
For many without the coldness there is no passion and for others with the coldness there is no respect and on and on it goes...

 

[Shadowsdream]

sending my girl in here to post. The topic of conversation is one I have long wanted to have one on one with her...alas, she seems to communicate better through the written word.

I do know how I feel when she forces me to move into Domme mode, especially when I do not particularly want to (like when we are just cuddling or I am touching her and she freezes up). Those things bother me and I shift from loving girlfriend to pissed off Mistress in seconds.

As always Shadowsdream, you provide the help I need (even if I am not sure until I read some of your posts that I required help...)

Hello Luna it is wonderful to see you here!

Being pushed into Domme mode when I am distracted by work for instance earns boredom from Me unfortunately. The more I am pushed the further I back away...I must admit I am stubborn and contrary but shhhhhhh I keep that a secret!

 

[Shadowsdream]

Luna *points upward* sent me over here to give my opinions and feelings and response to this thread.

When I see the "cold eyes" or The Look as i refer to it, part of me wants to crawl in a hole, and the other part of me wants to drop to my knees, cast my eyes downward, and do whatever it takes to appease the situation.

Occasionally, however, The Look simply turns me on to no end.

Short but sweet. I'm a bit out of Lit practice, so this is my .02

Hmmmmmmm I think you are the identical twin of My Swedish slave! One "look" can create so many different responses within one submissive.
It is nice to see you here and I hope to see more of you practicing your Lit posting ~~smile~~

 

[Shadowsdream]

Thank you, "learning" him is a challenge.
I think the worst look I ever got was when I was beating myself up over my nearly passing out at the end of a needle/web scene and he got irritated eventually and said " I know you are only human, and so do you now, so deal with it and shut up."

Beating yourself up removes the pleasure of Us beating you up....~~smile~~

 

[Shadowsdream]

Very interesting questions! Ma'am, I'm going to go out on a limb here. I like edges [for the most part], and I have some sincere thoughts on the question you pose here.

In my relationship, my responsibility is to obey and react. Let's presuppose that I haven't done something to incur the cold eyes, by that I mean, I have been obedient. If it's not my obedience, then it is probably the react part of "obey and react".

It could just be he is bored and he wants to play with me. "Cold Eyes" can get a mighty fine reaction from me. If I don't immediatley realize what I've done wrong, I'll search and search for it. That can be quite amusing to watch. It's not fun for me, but I've seem him get a chuckle out of it.

If it's not my obedience and it is not just a "mind fuck" because he wants to see me react, then [and here is the limb] it's not me. It is him. [yes, I know sacrilege] He is the one who gets to have whatever he wants. Those are the rules, if he can't decide what he wants, is it my job to inform him or decide for him? Not in my relationship. I can try all my submissive ways to try and please him, but I cannot decide for him what it is he needs to feel less angry, bored, whatever. Only he can decide that. If he doesn't know, then I can't help. Not really.

It's a tricky thing. Dominants are not perfect. But you make a valid point here about the 'look' being some doubt as to their domination. If they don't know in that moment what they want, they cannot enforce their will. A submissive cannot then take up that will and decide for them, at least I can't, not in my relationship. Submissives/slaves aren't mindreaders either.

Oh I can try, I have even succeeded a few times in bringing him out of a 'Mood", but there is a line in the sand, I do not EVER cross over. It is when he simply does not know what he wants. That's a terrible thing for a Dominant, to have a willing slave, ready and eager to serve, and not have a clue what is wanted. Anger of this kind can come for many sources, again, I do not delve into them unless I am invited. But I have learned that it is quite often not me at all.

I'm told, I am to obey and react. If I do that, I cannot fail. If I do somehow fail to please him, then he either did not really want it, or he skipped a step in my preparation for the task. But I cannot fail if I obey and react. He has repeatedly told me this. It is one of the things he has gone over, and over, and over with me. I cannot fail as long as I obey and react.

So if I have been obedient and I've reacted, and he still has cold eyes, it is in his world that the error was made. These are his words not mine.

[/gets off the limb]

Now if I've been disobedient or failed to react, and he has cold eyes, I get physically sick. My stomach turns to a knot, and I wish I were dead. Well, not literally, but pretty damn close. One of the few times I lose sight of my limits and want to "Do anything" to please him. It scares me just as much to know I want to do anything as it does to have committed 'whatever' has garnered the look. It is a frightening place to be.

Good morning Caitlynne and thank you for a post that shows the many diversities of the "cold eyes" the good the bad and the ugly.
I also feel that your Master must be a very confident Man to know understand and admit that there are and will be occassions that the problem lies within.

 

[Shadowsdream]

I try not to do things that would give me the cold look. Master's eyes, and I know this will sound cliche, so I apologize, are the gateway to his being. He allows me to look into them because as he says, "he likes to know what is going on with his slave." That is a high honor, well at least to me. When we met the first time I had a hard time doing this because previous owners hadn't let me.

If he does do the "look" and it is deserved, my whole innards just shrivel and I feel horrible. I am harder on myself that he would be. I tend to punish myself more if I feel I've displeased him.

Good morning malach_ms it is nice to see your participation in this thread ~~smile~~
I agree with your Master about the eye contact. Often subs trained by others or self trained from the Internet come to Me unable to raise their eyes to Mine. The eyes speak and can hide nothing if one knows how to read emotions.

 

[Shadowsdream]

My dad's side of the family is either deaf or going deaf, so I'm quick to pick up on facial expressions, and body language. Also my mother is a rage addict, so I'm also quick on picking up atmosphere. My mother has always used the 'cold routine' (cold eyes, silent treatment, etc) to get her way and to make everyone else miserable when she's pissed. Quite frankly, it seriously pisses me off. I think it's manipulative, and extreemly passive agressive. I always felt that if you have a problem, then it's your responsibility to let the other person know. And if you don't tell them, then it's not bugging you that bad. I guess that I'm overly sensitive about the cold routine, cause of her. Also, ,my sisters ex was like that too, and she finally left him for it. He wouldn't talk to her, she didnt' know what was wrong, but she was supposed to be sorry for it. She still doesn't know what his problem was. I think it was just his way of making her jump through hoops to keep him happy.

I use the cold look on my kids, but sparingly. I mostly use it in places where I need to be quiet. Like church, or when I'm on the phone, or at the dr's or whatever. They know what it means, and respond. But I don't keep using it after they've improved whatever it was they're doing. And I don't use it to 'get even' like my mother did.

K also uses the cold look, but it's usually acompanied by why he's upset. If he doesn't feel like talking about it, I just ignore his 'cold look' until he feels like communicating with me. I am not psychic, and I refuse to try to be. And quite frankly, K is ADHD and borderline diabetic. Sometimes his only problem is that he needs to eat. Once he eats, all of a sudden he's not mad at me. Go figure.

I feel there is a vast difference in our vanilla world and our D/s world when it comes to expressions being used to instruct...train...comfort...communicate...and place into a zone...just for starters.
I can see that you have been able to recognize the destruction from the past with coldness yet still know how to use the look yourself in valid situations.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Yes all my life I have dealt with depression and low self esteem and what not. Slowly overcoming it yet deep down I still wonder if its my fault somehow. I am looking for a little bit of approval if I do something for a person. Fear is one thing that causes me to perform a little worse then i should and it hurts to think about it.

One of my faults I admit and although I notice a persons behavior and movements and facial features, there is that little part that wonders what happened, who did what, and how do i fix it. For the most part the cold stare for me has been in a sense of disappointment. It hurts to see someone I love looking unhappy and as a friend, family member or lover I try to fix it as well as possible.

Well little cherry girl I believe it is time for a new and possibly more positive conversation to begin from this post. Thank you for adding this extra info to your previous post.

Ok all of you submissives and slave girls what emotions do you go through when you hear the words "Good Girl!"

 

[Shadowsdream]

It hurts, it almost feels physical, like a thousand knives in my back at once. Its only happened with L once.

The background was that he had had a bad day at work and was stressed, I had had a bad day with my son (he is 4 and has Aspergers syndrome which sometimes makes his behaviour relentless). We both had our angry heads on and basically couldn't shift the feelings. When this happens to me normally I go for a long walk in the woods. L knows to let me go and get it out of my system. But this particular night we had planned to go out and were in a rush. Anyway...rambling...It ended up that we argued about some very petty stuff. I let off steam and took it out on L. The evening ended with me being punished. But the punishment was not as bad as the words he said. Which were (as he was using th crop, I hate that thing). 'This is NOT sexual' That was a huge short sharp shock to me. Normally our playtimes are just that, imaginary punishments for crimes made up or exgarated. But this was real and I saw that look in his eyes. I felt like shit basically. The pain I had caused him, multiplied in me. It was a low point for sure. BUT....afterwards the closeness we felt was amazing. The realisation that an argument wasn't left to fester and turn into resentment stored up for future issues was good.

Good morning YinandYang

you have brought up a very good point about the redemption after the look...(BUT....afterwards the closeness we felt was amazing. The realisation that an argument wasn't left to fester and turn into resentment stored up for future issues was good.)
The cold eyes used in disappointment must be followed up at some point with the ability for redemption either through punishment or punishment and communication or communication but must also be tempered with forgiveness on both sides of the whip when not simply used just to bolster a scene.

 

[laurel-marie]

Ok all of you submissives and slave girls what emotions do you go through when you hear the words "Good Girl!"

Even as a young girl, those words (or any form of those words) were like gold.
The words are tangible..I feel them, like a warm oil poured over my head. My heart is almost bursting from joy.
He is pleased and I did that...it is a vain thought that runs through my head, but it is what happens in my thought process.
The funny thing though, when I hear those words and after the initial zing of happy adreniline wears off, my mind goes into overdrive trying to figure out what I can do next time ...the bar now is raised in other words. What produced the "good girl" this time, now is expected and the need to improve on that is the new goal.

 

[serijules]

Ok all of you submissives and slave girls what emotions do you go through when you hear the words "Good Girl!"

Some days I think I live to hear these words, heh. I love pleasing her. I often do things above and beyound what she has asked, or do things I may not necessarily want or enjoy that I know will entertain her. Getting that smile and a murmured "good girl" or "what a good slut/pet/slave" makes it more than worth any discomfort on my part, and I like striving to learn new ways to please her without her needing to always be the one initiating that interaction.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Even as a young girl, those words (or any form of those words) were like gold.
The words are tangible..I feel them, like a warm oil poured over my head. My heart is almost bursting from joy.
He is pleased and I did that...it is a vain thought that runs through my head, but it is what happens in my thought process.
The funny thing though, when I hear those words and after the initial zing of happy adreniline wears off, my mind goes into overdrive trying to figure out what I can do next time ...the bar now is raised in other words. What produced the "good girl" this time, now is expected and the need to improve on that is the new goal.

~~smile~~ I was anticipating this type of joy but I must tell you a huge smile and a chuckle was produced with this sentence (The funny thing though, when I hear those words and after the initial zing of happy adreniline wears off, my mind goes into overdrive trying to figure out what I can do next time ...the bar now is raised in other words. What produced the "good girl" this time, now is expected and the need to improve on that is the new goal)
I can almost picture your eyes dancing between delight and the question of how to reproduce His words!

 

[Shadowsdream]

Some days I think I live to hear these words, heh. I love pleasing her. I often do things above and beyound what she has asked, or do things I may not necessarily want or enjoy that I know will entertain her. Getting that smile and a murmured "good girl" or "what a good slut/pet/slave" makes it more than worth any discomfort on my part, and I like striving to learn new ways to please her without her needing to always be the one initiating that interaction.

~~smile~~ two very small yet potent words. They say so much and take no effort. Used sparingly yet honestly the impact is undeniable. Thank you for also showing that these words and others do create a craving to go above and beyond the call of duty to please.

 

[esclave_PP]

Good morning malach_ms it is nice to see your participation in this thread ~~smile~~
I agree with your Master about the eye contact. Often subs trained by others or self trained from the Internet come to Me unable to raise their eyes to Mine. The eyes speak and can hide nothing if one knows how to read emotions.

Thank you Maam -- and good afternoon I saw the thread and just had to answer. This Master has not only been enlightening but freeing too -- as strange as that may sound. After years with those that didn't quite work, it is so wonderful to finally be with one who knows me inside and out.

Thank you for the great thread Maam!

 

[curiousjen]

Its a very interesting question, Shadowsdream, because today my boss at work after asking me to do a ridiculously hard workload, saw me sweating away and said smugly "good girl". I felt so patronized and angry, I could have kicked him in the balls! (i didn't as we have to pay the rent- oh the shit we put up for the sake of bills).

However, when Owen says those words, they feel different. He has always used them as "reward words" and to give me encouragement when I am finding something difficult, or to show I have pleased him.

The other use they have are to help me go into a more submissive mindset- as he knows those words are powerful and somehow immediately put me "in my place". I think the reason those words are so powerful, is because to be "good" is really the sum of all I want to be for him, and the word "girl" immediately brings out the vulnerable, trusting wide eyed innocent side of me. I agree like Laurel Marie was saying, when he says the words it is almost like a code that makes me want to please him even more. Often he will murmer "good girl" as he pushes my head towards his erect cock, and that gives me such a thrill that I want to do the best cock worship ever- and don't think he doesn't know that He is a man who choses his words carefully!

The words also have a forbidden quality for me, because I was raised in a matriarchal household, and my mother would hate to think I was being called a "good girl" on a regular basis. She would say, you're not a girl, you're a woman- I know she would. And isn't what your parents would disapprove of just a little thrilling sometimes?

 

[Shadowsdream]

Thank you Maam -- and good afternoon I saw the thread and just had to answer. This Master has not only been enlightening but freeing too -- as strange as that may sound. After years with those that didn't quite work, it is so wonderful to finally be with one who knows me inside and out.

Thank you for the great thread Maam!

It is My pleasure...good converations make U/us all think and learn from each other.
you are a lucky girl to have finally found your magic.

 

[laurel-marie]

two very small yet potent words. They say so much and take no effort. Used sparingly yet honestly the impact is undeniable.

Good morning(well almost noon here)
This is true..the sparingly part.
My husband uses the word wife on a daily basis when he is pleased. Even though these words please me greatly when I hear them beacuse I know he is pleased...they do not have the same degree as "Good Girl", which is saved for the above and beyond moments..

If they were chocolate...
wife=Hershey's kisses
Good girl = Godivia or greater
One delights the taste buds...the other delights the whole body( good chocolate has a certain effect on me)

 

[curiousjen]

Good morning(well almost noon here)
This is true..the sparingly part.
My husband uses the word wife on a daily basis when he is pleased. Even though these words please me greatly when I hear them beacuse I know he is pleased...they do not have the same degree as "Good Girl", which is saved for the above and beyond moments..

If they were chocolate...
wife=Hershey's kisses
Good girl = Godivia or greater
One delights the taste buds...the other delights the whole body( good chocolate has a certain effect on me)

This really made me smile laurel marie And so true too. I was trying to think of other (and more common) words that Owen used as well as good girl but I couldn't think of any. I can't believe I overlooked wife! (I still haven't got used to it I guess after only two months- but at the moment that word is giving me shivers also.

P.S. You made me crave chocolate now...I'm drooling at the keyboard!

 

[laurel-marie]

This really made me smile laurel marie And so true too. I was trying to think of other (and more common) words that Owen used as well as good girl but I couldn't think of any. I can't believe I overlooked wife! (I still haven't got used to it I guess after only two months- but at the moment that word is giving me shivers also.

P.S. You made me crave chocolate now...I'm drooling at the keyboard!

I am glad to have made you smile.
Sorry to have made you drool.

 

[bunny bondage]

"good girl"

his voice takes on that tone which never comes up in any other kind of conversation, that tone is just for praising me.

when there's sincerity behind the statement, i know i've done something right, something of which he approves, and i feel like a friggin' rocket scientist.

there's warmth and affection, even in times of punishment, and it's always sure to win from me that dopey smile which makes me feel like a shy virgin at her first dance.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Its a very interesting question, Shadowsdream, because today my boss at work after asking me to do a ridiculously hard workload, saw me sweating away and said smugly "good girl". I felt so patronized and angry, I could have kicked him in the balls! (i didn't as we have to pay the rent- oh the shit we put up for the sake of bills).

However, when Owen says those words, they feel different. He has always used them as "reward words" and to give me encouragement when I am finding something difficult, or to show I have pleased him.

The other use they have are to help me go into a more submissive mindset- as he knows those words are powerful and somehow immediately put me "in my place". I think the reason those words are so powerful, is because to be "good" is really the sum of all I want to be for him, and the word "girl" immediately brings out the vulnerable, trusting wide eyed innocent side of me. I agree like Laurel Marie was saying, when he says the words it is almost like a code that makes me want to please him even more. Often he will murmer "good girl" as he pushes my head towards his erect cock, and that gives me such a thrill that I want to do the best cock worship ever- and don't think he doesn't know that He is a man who choses his words carefully!

The words also have a forbidden quality for me, because I was raised in a matriarchal household, and my mother would hate to think I was being called a "good girl" on a regular basis. She would say, you're not a girl, you're a woman- I know she would. And isn't what your parents would disapprove of just a little thrilling sometimes?

Hello curiousjen and thank you for allowing U/us to look at the words "Good Girl" and how its use can be a positive or a negative. Outside of a D/s or BDSM relationship these very powerful words can be seen as very condensending and cause even the most submissive of women to feel or act in a manner of passive aggression.

"Girl" is a word I actually pondered on when writing this question but decided that the risk was worth the conversation...and so once again I have been proven right !!! ~~smile~~

 

[Shadowsdream]

"good girl"

his voice takes on that tone which never comes up in any other kind of conversation, that tone is just for praising me.

when there's sincerity behind the statement, i know i've done something right, something of which he approves, and i feel like a friggin' rocket scientist.

there's warmth and affection, even in times of punishment, and it's always sure to win from me that dopey smile which makes me feel like a shy virgin at her first dance.

Nice to see you here miss bunny bondage

I wonder how He feels when that dopey smile lights up your face. Has He ever spoken of this to you?

Thank you for adding to this conversation.