Being autistic, adhd and random stuff

[liliput1]

At night it often take the first 3-4h of sleep before I calm down to actual rest mode

I'm spending my last couple of hours awake in a semi-meditative state trying to get my body calmed down so I can go to sleep. I didn't understand why my ex starting Difficult Discussions at 10pm or later was making me feel so put upon and attacked until I noticed how absolutely awful my insomnia was immediately afterward (activated, high heart rate, etc). Saw the sun rise one time and I was like, okay this isn't right, something more is going on here.

It's like I'm pre-gaming sleep.

 

[Strixaluco]

I'm spending my last couple of hours awake in a semi-meditative state trying to get my body calmed down so I can go to sleep.

I have things I avoid doing in the evening (like not reading in bed, because I likely wouldn't stop before I've finished the book). But take adhd-traits + worsening dysautonomia/asthma med side effects, and meditation has completely ceased to work for me. My heartrate just won't go down, and I feel every single beat. (Like right now, too.) Not doing anything makes me more aware of how wound up I am, which is even worse.

If I was in better health, walking meditation would be better than "just trying to relax".

 

[liliput1]

I have things I avoid doing in the evening (like not reading in bed, because I likely wouldn't stop before I've finished the book). But take adhd-traits + worsening dysautonomia/asthma med side effects, and meditation has completely ceased to work for me. My heartrate just won't go down, and I feel every single beat. (Like right now, too.) Not doing anything makes me more aware of how wound up I am, which is even worse.

If I was in better health, walking meditation would be better than "just trying to relax".

You've been screened for thyroid function recently?

 

[Strixaluco]

You've been screened for thyroid function recently?

I think they checked that, too - it's really basic after all. But they don't recognise my dysautonomia (and trying to say a specific thing should be checked doesn't end well here). It could and *should* be treated, I have plenty of symptoms.

 

[Underscore_2]

Anyone else have a favourite film they watch again and again? I do it for comfort: I know their lines, their expressions and can recite entire passages. It's fantasy of course, but it's predictable and that's the best part - it's like being with real people but their words don't jolt or surprise. Their voices are a comfort not a challenge.
I realised this is a thing from Fern Brady's book. An allistic person would be bored 'But I know the ending' and my bf understands my need and doesn't question it ( anymore ).

I have just one movie that I would watch over and over if I could, but I no longer possess either a tv nor a copy of the movie but no matter because I can remember the crunch line (for me anyway), "Master, you might teach me many things, but you cannot teach me how to think."
That one line has been my crutch for almost 50 years.

 

[liliput1]

I have just one movie that I would watch over and over if I could, but I no longer possess either a tv nor a copy of the movie but no matter because I can remember the crunch line (for me anyway), "Master, you might teach me many things, but you cannot teach me how to think."
That one line has been my crutch for almost 50 years.

One of my cleverest friends rips the audio track from favorite movies so she can listen to them on long road trips. Girl likes to drive a lot. And you can watch stuff on your phone or a tablet if you must.

 

[liliput1]

I only learned about hypersexuality as a complication of autism/adhd early this year. Afterward I thought, "wow am I glad I didn't have to deal with that."

Only, I keep coming back to that thought and I think maybe I did. At least until my mid twenties when it turned from an 11 back to like a 7 (maybe prefrontal cortex maturation?). I was in a super strict religion until almost sophomore year in college and I think if it hadn't been for celibacy I probably would have gotten into a lot of trouble.

I feel like one or two of you may know what I'm talking about, or at least pieces of it.

The second woman I met at college (both 18!) carried a torch for me for at least a year and a half, and I rebuffed her because I was still practicing, and I knew if I gave her an inch we would end up on the moon. She was gorgeous, and intense, and I could tell that if we started dating I'd be wrapped around her finger in an instant, and she would ask for sex and I wouldn't say no. And that scared me off, so I stayed away. That poor, poor girl. And in retrospect, I was at my peak cardio fitness, she was a student athlete, and we'd have definitely been given warnings by the RAs, and broken her bed trying to see who tapped out first.

People would talk about how often they were masturbating and I'd think oh that's almost as much as/a bit more than me, but I never accounted for the religious guilt - active at first and residual later - being a regulator on what I would have done versus what I allowed. Also some of those people I benchmarked against were probably hypersexual too, or wanted people to think so.

(I did break a bed with my wife, but it's a lot more fun to say it that way than what really happened. Sex was involved, but it was only that cheap default frame you get from a mattress shop. One of the legs just folded flat over the course of five seconds. I think that was the loudest the two of us ever laughed. "Did we just break a fucking bed? Or a bed, fucking?" )

 

[stickygirl]

I only learned about hypersexuality as a complication of autism/adhd early this year. Afterward I thought, "wow am I glad I didn't have to deal with that."

Only, I keep coming back to that thought and I think maybe I did. At least until my mid twenties when it turned from an 11 back to like a 7 (maybe prefrontal cortex maturation?). I was in a super strict religion until almost sophomore year in college and I think if it hadn't been for celibacy I probably would have gotten into a lot of trouble.

I feel like one or two of you may know what I'm talking about, or at least pieces of it.

The second woman I met at college (both 18!) carried a torch for me for at least a year and a half, and I rebuffed her because I was still practicing, and I knew if I gave her an inch we would end up on the moon. She was gorgeous, and intense, and I could tell that if we started dating I'd be wrapped around her finger in an instant, and she would ask for sex and I wouldn't say no. And that scared me off, so I stayed away. That poor, poor girl. And in retrospect, I was at my peak cardio fitness, she was a student athlete, and we'd have definitely been given warnings by the RAs, and broken her bed trying to see who tapped out first.

People would talk about how often they were masturbating and I'd think oh that's almost as much as/a bit more than me, but I never accounted for the religious guilt - active at first and residual later - being a regulator on what I would have done versus what I allowed. Also some of those people I benchmarked against were probably hypersexual too, or wanted people to think so.

(I did break a bed with my wife, but it's a lot more fun to say it that way than what really happened. Sex was involved, but it was only that cheap default frame you get from a mattress shop. One of the legs just folded flat over the course of five seconds. I think that was the loudest the two of us ever laughed. "Did we just break a fucking bed? Or a bed, fucking?" )

Meh... I think you waited for your own reasons and what (didn't) happen was appropriate at the time. Your account doesn't sound hypersexual at all - just normal teen-horny. I'm frankly amazed you were trying to remain celibate.
I won't begin to recount my early experiences, but they were pretty conflicted.
Who would want to be a teenager again?! No no no!

 

[Underscore_2]

Who would want to be a teenager again?! No no no!

Oh shit please don't traumatise me this way...

 

[stickygirl]

Oh shit please don't traumatise me this way...

Didn't intend to - sorry if it came across that way. I was empathising . Being a teen sucked

 

[liliput1]

Didn't intend to - sorry if it came across that way. I was empathising . Being a teen sucked

I found a hobby that let me socialize with actual adults from the end of middle school through the end of highschool. Eventually found a social circle that was an eclectic mix of several demographics of kids who cared about anything other than highschool drama. Like the valedictorian but also the art kids, and some band kids. I had to switch high schools to find those people, because the other one was full of psychopaths. I don't know that I would be here today if we hadn't. Yeah, it sucked being a teen.

 

[anthrodisiac]

I only learned about hypersexuality as a complication of autism/adhd early this year. Afterward I thought, "wow am I glad I didn't have to deal with that."

Only, I keep coming back to that thought and I think maybe I did. At least until my mid twenties when it turned from an 11 back to like a 7 (maybe prefrontal cortex maturation?). I was in a super strict religion until almost sophomore year in college and I think if it hadn't been for celibacy I probably would have gotten into a lot of trouble.

I feel like one or two of you may know what I'm talking about, or at least pieces of it.

Also had a very religious upbringing. I don't think hypersexual so much as being, you know, a young adult. But the guilt and shame around sex is part of pushed me toward some of my current kinks/fetishes/preferences (weird justification around "not as bad if they aren't human"; the brain is fascinating).

 

[anthrodisiac]

I found a hobby that let me socialize with actual adults from the end of middle school through the end of highschool. Eventually found a social circle that was an eclectic mix of several demographics of kids who cared about anything other than highschool drama. Like the valedictorian but also the art kids, and some band kids. I had to switch high schools to find those people, because the other one was full of psychopaths. I don't know that I would be here today if we hadn't. Yeah, it sucked being a teen.

Very similar. Just a group of all the kids who didn't fit in with their designated cliques. Football guys, cheerleaders, drama nerds, band nerds, nerd nerds, weirdo outcasts who weren't archetypical for archaeopteryxes.

 

[liliput1]

Meh... I think you waited for your own reasons and what (didn't) happen was appropriate at the time. Your account doesn't sound hypersexual at all - just normal teen-horny. I'm frankly amazed you were trying to remain celibate.
I won't begin to recount my early experiences, but they were pretty conflicted.
Who would want to be a teenager again?! No no no!

I am leaving out important facts, for reasons of rules.

It was a super culty church, I was kind of a boy scout. I was still learning when rules were okay to break, and when they were not, mostly focused on academic rules. She was actually the thing that made me question everything, although for years I "blamed" it on a related epiphany. She was a PoC, and I would have gotten passive aggressive grief for dating her at all. That wasn't why I didn't date her, but I bridled at that realization and I started pulling on threads that unraveled their stance on in-groups and out-groups as proving it was a bunch of humans playing at being god.

Edit to add: I definitely don't consider myself HS now. A lot of things changed for me in my twenties. When your wife introduces you to a friend circle, and 100% of them choose you in the divorce... not good things were happening. Lots of not good things.

 

[Underscore_2]

Didn't intend to - sorry if it came across that way. I was empathising . Being a teen sucked

I should have inserted one of these with my reply. Yes my teens were hell, especially as I had absolutely no idea as to why I didn't 'fit'. I wasn't diagnosed in those days. Educational Psychologist tried to fathom my 'problem' when I was 12yo, but that was back in the 60's. I was left to just get on with it. Having learned the art of masking at a very early age it wasn't too difficult to continue, but I was left very damaged emotionally. Ten years ago, having worked it all out for myself, I tried again to get a diagnosis, and was sent twice by my GP to be assessed by Proffessor B, at the local hospital but was sent home with nothing (probably due to my advanced years).
Sorry, I'm starting to ramble.

 

[liliput1]

Also had a very religious upbringing. I don't think hypersexual so much as being, you know, a young adult. But the guilt and shame around sex is part of pushed me toward some of my current kinks/fetishes/preferences (weird justification around "not as bad if they aren't human"; the brain is fascinating).

My reflex was to say I can't relate but some of my preferences softened after experiences that suggest I'm a liar.

After I went to a clothing discouraged event, I made a bunch of breakthroughs in therapy over the subsequent year and my therapist was at a loss to explain why we accelerated. I don't think you're supposed to talk to your (female) therapist about how nudism made you more comfortable with exposing your emotions and fears. Maybe I should have kept it to two sentences so she knew wtf had changed.

Or maybe I should find another psychotherapist and we should write a book together on exposure therapy.

I'll see myself out.

 

[liliput1]

Limerence is still the worst. Opium for the neurotransmitter-starved brain. Hate it, but also love it. But mostly hate it. Like a Hallmark Christmas movie.

 

[Underscore_2]

So I started to wonder if I come to Lit for the dopamine hit. I post stuff then go into a spiral of self-doubt: did I sound bitchy/needy/weird or will someone come back and tell me I'm an idiot? Or, as happened recently, I let my inner demon loose and I do a kind of online meltdown, use BANNED words that get me censored by the Mod so that I feel my soul has been dipped in acid and I have nowhere to hide except maybe the grave, pissed on by vengeful Litsters?

Most of time things aren't as dramatic. I'll let my anger gnaw away at my insides like a parasite, waiting for the day it breaks through my empty skull and, like a Mayfly, have one day of wrathful sex in the reeds and die.

Anyway. Yeah, the dopamine hit of the little red blob by the bell icon. Oh shit - is it going to be a Like or Laugh or has someone quoted me? Quoting can go two ways of course - confirmation or assassination. If it's a quote it could be one of those dissections, where someone has torn my paragraphs of jollity apart like a chicken carcass 'What do you mean by THIS?' 'You're wrong and I hate you'.

Shit. I've got three up there right now. Pleasure or pain?

I'll be right back

ETA Well that was neutral - a simple Like and a couple of quotes that didn't send chills to my core.
PS I did put 'Random Stuff' in the thread title to cover things like this. So.

This is far too close for comfort really for me. But then again I do seem to strangely enjoy identifying my traits in others. Makes me feel less 'alone' and thus more acceptable within a wider society, even if I am annoying sometimes. Now I'm thinking to myself that it's not me that's annoyed, so really it must be their problem, not mine. Yet it's inevitably me that has to take the flak from everyone else, and, refusing to feel guilty on their account, I fight my corner and the situation escalates to a point where I have to run and hide, ultimately feeling guilty for just existing. Principles have a price.

 

[PMarky3]

Limerence is still the worst. Opium for the neurotransmitter-starved brain. Hate it, but also love it. But mostly hate it. Like a Hallmark Christmas movie.

I am still trying to work out whether that is part of what goes on between me and BAF.

 

[liliput1]

I am still trying to work out whether that is part of what goes on between me and BAF.

There's a fine line between New Relationship Energy and love-bombing, unfortunately.

 

[Strixaluco]

Oh, regarding love-bombing, she talks (among other things) about why she's suspectible to falling for it. I bet this is relevant to many autistic men, too.

(I hate the headlines that channel makes, though.)

 

[PMarky3]

There's a fine line between New Relationship Energy and love-bombing, unfortunately.

My relationship with BAF is actually quite an old one. We have known one another eight years. She intrigues me, and in various conversations I have picked up on the fact that we are very similar in our form of neuro-diversity- a bit of ASD, a good slice of inattentive ADHD, and a side of OCD. She beguilingly easy to be around. She's a lot younger than me and when I first got to know her she was a niece figure, then she opened up to me about wanting kids, and what she thought about raising kids, and things got wonderfully weird. The relationship had a crisis about 15 months ago, but we have slowly rebuilt the friendship. Some times my mind goes where it should not, but mostly things are OK now...

 

[stickygirl]

Love and commitment- now there’s two gordian knots. My bf and I have been together over three years and when he says ‘I love you’ I always respond but I’ve never quite understood what love is or how should feel. Poets are not much help.

We’ve also talked about marriage- he’s asked if I’d like to get married but the whole idea spooks me. It’s as though calling it a marriage will jinx what we have so we agree to keep things as they are. I wear a ring, bake cakes, try to look pretty Plus the way the uk is going we’ll end up with a fascist govt who’d declare our marriage invalid.

Ooo this is heavy for a Sunday morning

 

[liliput1]

Love and commitment- now there’s two gordian knots. My bf and I have been together over three years and when he says ‘I love you’ I always respond but I’ve never quite understood what love is or how should feel. Poets are not much help.

We’ve also talked about marriage- he’s asked if I’d like to get married but the whole idea spooks me. It’s as though calling it a marriage will jinx what we have so we agree to keep things as they are. I wear a ring, bake cakes, try to look pretty Plus the way the uk is going we’ll end up with a fascist govt who’d declare our marriage invalid.

Ooo this is heavy for a Sunday morning

Has anyone worked out what the total value in lawyer's fees a marriage certificate is worth there? Here's pretty crazy (can't recall if it's $5k or 10k.)

The big scary one is if one of you gets hit by a car, are they going to give the other shit for wanting to be in the hospital room with you?

For some it's making sure the parents who disowned them don't end up with medical control over their lives.

 

[anthrodisiac]

Love and commitment- now there’s two gordian knots. My bf and I have been together over three years and when he says ‘I love you’ I always respond but I’ve never quite understood what love is or how should feel. Poets are not much help.

We’ve also talked about marriage- he’s asked if I’d like to get married but the whole idea spooks me. It’s as though calling it a marriage will jinx what we have so we agree to keep things as they are. I wear a ring, bake cakes, try to look pretty Plus the way the uk is going we’ll end up with a fascist govt who’d declare our marriage invalid.

Ooo this is heavy for a Sunday morning

Yeah, the whole "love" thing is kinda weird for me too. I don't really understand what it's supposed to feel like, and none of the ways people describe it sound like anything I've even come close to experiencing. Then again, I've never been in a relationship longer than a year, and I'm almost certain I'm aromantic, but I don't even know if I feel the way you're "supposed to feel" love-wise for my own family. I care about them, but like the "love" thing just doesn't seem to resonate (which, now that I think about it, might be why I've never been in a relationship longer than a year ). I do what I can to make the other person know that I care about them in my own way.