"To keep the review thread clean..."

[pelegrino]

Thanks, Tsotha, for commenting on "Chaos" and re-thinking other poems of mine. It is very helpful for me when people take the trouble to make connections like this with my work, cause I write always my pieces as parts of a bigger whole.

 

[pelegrino]

Thanks, Tsotha, for commenting on "The Pleasure was all mine" and on "Without much Ado". I consider them both difficult and your comments did help me a lot to see them from another point of view.
"Avra" is a common name for a beach or a taverna on the beach round here. This particular one happens to be in south Crete where I pass my summers usually and very far from Aegina and its cosmopolitan hullabaloo. This year it changed its name to "Avra Palm" and you can google it under that name.
"Avra" is one of the main sites where my story is taking place and this short song is the 2nd of four songs that I planned for that morning. "Without Much ado" is the third one, and the other two remained unfinished as they were a bit longer.

I use the german term "kitsch" as far more descriptive than the english word "tacky" would afford me.

"Musical duties are released" - no music compromise there, just relief. (Good music can be depressive at times).

"Ghosts residential are free" - Many who haunt are free to go, but it is optional for them.

"Room prices bound to be increased". Correct. Crete is expecting a swarm of tourists this year.

"Nothing of this to do with me". - Correct, I don’t care cause I'm changing place too. But not washing hands. I don’t fix prices. Hoteliers and travel agencies do.

Line 11 is a deliberate typo which I find very funny, see here:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dum


Thanks a lot.

 

[Tsotha]

I'd like to thank todski, Cleardaynow, pelegrino, greenmountaineer, Angeline, UnderYourSpell and Ashesh (and twelveoone, and Magnetron, and butters, and normal jean) for your thoughtful comments on my first submission, "You and me". And wow, that was a fast publish (a few hours!). So thank you too, Laurel.

I left a response comment at the poem, but to improve the odds of it being seen, I'm pasting it here, too:

@Cleardaynow
I guess I'll follow up by paying a visit to said judges... Seriously, though, I suppose I should give it time, until I come across something worth polishing.

@Angeline
One of my edit attempts was to give it the form of a tree, but it turned out very bad! Now that you mention, yes, it does look like a stylized bonsai, with the pot and the canopy hanging to the side. I wish it were intentional, but it isn't.

 

[todski28]

Just wanted to throw out a general congratulation to the well deserved H's in the last couple of weeks, tsotha , normal jean, gm and I'm thinking butters should have one shortly with her new piece out, brilliant reading all of you.

 

[pelegrino]

Thanks, Tsotha, for commenting on "A Few Caring Thoughts".
The words "EN PLO" which appear as tags on several of my poems are not very helpful. They mean "In Sailing" in classical Greek and they are descriptive of sea trips.
You read quite right the funny side of it and you help me see it from another point of view too. Thanks for that.
The sarcasm in the last stanza is present but it is on my expense.

 

[pelegrino]

Thanks, 1201, for commenting on "Orthodoxy Of Love".
I agree. It is even too long to make into a song probably, and a hell of a job to make it into something more complex. I have an "aria da capo" in mind, lost somewhere in my manuscripts and I hope in that.

 

[butters]

thanks, everyone!

the speed of reaction took me by surprise as i didn't know this was up yet so thankyou, pelegrino, for your encouragement; oldbear - glad you liked it; gm and 12, yes, eyelashes against the screen; annie - *just grins*; tso - glad it's memorable ; and tods - yessir, an imagined skype encounter. oops, edited to say a big thanks to gm for the recommend

tso, yours is up as well? prety quick! gonna take a look shortly

 

[pelegrino]

Butters, thank you very much for your comments and help on "It's Friday For All Of Us".
You are absolutely right about the punctuation. Half the time I don’t know what I'm doing with it. I just have it on automatic on a stupid word processing program with these poor results that I present. I want to get rid of it and I will try to do so, cause it's stupid to start every line with a capital and finish it with a coma. In no way I mean it to be so.
On your question on the word "candidate" You are very close to my intention with your second supposition, ie "candid"! Also, not only the moon, but my self as well is on "candidateship" because as it is only 3-4 days old, it's still one and a half week till it becomes full, and it is not taken for granted that it will not be cloudy, or that all will go well and that we will certainly see each other, (me and the moon, I mean).



Many thanks, greenmountaineer and Cleardaynow, for your encouraging comments on "Cesaria" and "Reiner".

 

[butters]

continuing list of ty's on the eating of soft fruit

harry - well, yanno, some things are best not shared
normal jean - thanks for your time and input i'll think about your suggestions.
magnetron - ha! it would have been shocking, indeed. what wicked side? :halohead:
ash thanks, matey.

 

[twelveoone]

continuing list of ty's on the eating of soft fruit

harry - well, yanno, some things are best not shared
normal jean - thanks for your time and input i'll think about your suggestions.
magnetron - ha! it would have been shocking, indeed. what wicked side? :halohead:
ash thanks, matey.

wowsers butters three recommends in new poems
one by the cyan terror

 

[butters]

wowsers butters three recommends in new poems
one by the cyan terror

guess people like raspberries

indeed! thankyou, 12, and magnetron

lol, oh well, that was a short-lived H such is life

 

[normal jean]

guess people like raspberries

indeed! thankyou, 12, and magnetron

lol, oh well, that was a short-lived H such is life

If I had to bet, I would say you get it back when the "system" flushes troll votes. It will always have that H when I read it.

 

[pelegrino]

Thanks, 1201, for comments on "Reiner". Sometimes I sympathize with your dislike of rhyming couplets cause a lot of trash has/is been written in them, I think we discussed this briefly on another occasion. On the other hand I have no prejudice against them and I would not like to disallow myself the pleasure of reading them, cause I would miss out on a hell of a lot of good European poetry written in them. For example, it is difficult for me to imagine French medieval or Cretan renaissance poetry without them. They have had such tremendous importance for some cultures so that the French word "couplet" has been copied from poetry and has become a musical term denoting functionality in a short piece or song.
On "forcing rhymes" I give a reply to UYS bellow which could partially cover you also.

Thank you, also, Underyourspell, for comments on "Reiner" and on rhyming. As for myself, I can only say that I try never to force rhymes and rhymes certainly never force me. I write exactly what I want to write with couplets or without them. Your question "Do people really talk like that?" is very valid.
Well, in this song's case, these were the very words used by Reiner, and if you ever come to Ierapetra and need to hire a car from him you can ask him yourself.
As for "distorting my face", it was only a medical condition (nervous tick?) that I had for a couple of years. Now I'm ok again!
And to clear myself, I never think much about technique while composing, (hopefully I've got some), I only consider feeling, context and rational or lack of them in a piece , after all, rhymes are only a technique which can be developed and improved on.

Finally

Please, consider "Reiner" in context as part of a song cycle called "RENAULT MEGANE" of which "It's Friday Night For All Of Us" and "Orthodoxy Of Love" are also parts which have been submitted, while other songs of this cycle will not be submitted. I mean them all as parts of a whole and as stand-alone pieces in a way that a suite is a suite, but a minuet or an allemande in it is a stand-alone minuet or allemande.

Thank you both for questioning the value and relevance of technique. It is a subject that should interest not only my adventures with it, but all of us.


Tazz317, I missed completely the point of your "men in uniforms" comment of my song "Reiner". Since you are commenting on a piece of mine, could you please explain a little more. Thank you.

 

[pelegrino]

Thanks,1201 and Magnetron for encouraging my rocking on "Sinking deep".

Thanks, greenmountaineer, for your comments an encouragement on "Sinking Deep".
"Convoy trackers" is used here to mean people who are afraid and unable to "travel" unless they are part of a convoy, a caravan, in other words conformists afraid to have an opinion of their own.

Thanks, Tsotha, for the helpful and encouraging comment on "Sinking Deep".
Now, the punctuation problem you point out is a real one and Butters has also pointed it out and gave me some help and suggestions.
I really feel I've got to do something about it, cause it frustrates me a lot.

 

[pelegrino]

Thanks, 1201, for comments on "Cesaria".
Not so much as a goddess of the dawn (I would have used a Greek goddess' name for that purpose rather than a Latin one), but as someone with so many colours in her voice as an aurora has in its spectrum, but that of course is very vivid at dawn, so your supposition may also apply.

Thanks, Tsotha, for your helpful comments on "Cesaria" and for favoring it and me as an author.
My use of the word "aurora" I have explained to 1201 above. I am not sure if it is correct the way I put it in Portuguese (my knowledge of this language is very poor, what I know from songs really).
If it should be "auroral" then I can changed it, but I want it to apply both to Cesaria and to "saudade" as a concept and as a song. Is there a way?
I was listening to the song a few nights ago and still I couldn't believe how beautiful it always makes me feel.
Yes, I meant that Cesaria is a rouxinol, so I made a mistake. Grammatically it should then be "da saudade", but …
It is more poetic, as you say, "Made of saudade!", so I come back to the definition I gave to 1201 above, and my mistake should be perhaps condoned.
Portuguese is such a beautiful language for songs and so flexible in meaning!


Thanks Magnetron and greenmountaineer for your comments and ecouragement on "Cesaria" .
I hope that my reply to Tsotha and 1201 above clarifies what I'm after a little better.
GM you are very right about the danger of getting hooked on the sound of words. I am living constantly with it.

 

[pelegrino]

Thanks, todski28 and Underyourspell for your kind comments on "SINKING DEEP".

 

[Tsotha]

My use of the word "aurora" I have explained to 1201 above. I am not sure if it is correct the way I put it in Portuguese (my knowledge of this language is very poor, what I know from songs really).

If it should be "auroral" then I can changed it, but I want it to apply both to Cesaria and to "saudade" as a concept and as a song. Is there a way?

Aurora is a noun, "the light that precedes sunrise". So you can say:

"a cor da aurora" (the color of dawn)
"acordei pela aurora" ("I was awoken by the light of dawn")
"da aurora ao pôr-do-sol" ("From dawn to sunset") (here aurora is being used in place of "nascer do sol", or "sunrise").

It can also be used figuratively to mean "beginning", e.g.: "da aurora da minha vida" ("from the dawn of my life").

In this context, however, what you've written is:

Sad rouxinol (made of / that comes from) saudade
Cape Green dawn
Cesária Évora!

Auroral is a an adjective, though, so changing "aurora" to "auroral" would read instead:

Sad rouxinol (made of / that comes from) saudade
Cape Green that has the color of dawn
Cesária Évora!

A question: why put "Cape Green" there? Did you want to say something about the dawn in Cape Green, or is it just a reference to help ID Cesária Évora? Because you could write it like this:

Triste rouxinol de saudade,
auroral Cesária Évora!

Which would very clearly qualify Cesária, and be close enough to "saudade" to qualify it too, perhaps.

Here is a poem in portuguese using "auroral", just for reference. (4th line).

Portuguese is such a beautiful language for songs and so flexible in meaning!

Indeed. It is beautiful, and it is sad that all languages are not known to everybody. But I'm suspect, and don't want to come through as bashing other languages, so that's all I'll say.

 

[twelveoone]

Thanks, 1201, for comments on "Cesaria".
Not so much as a goddess of the dawn (I would have used a Greek goddess' name for that purpose rather than a Latin one), but as someone with so many colours in her voice as an aurora has in its spectrum, but that of course is very vivid at dawn, so your supposition may also apply.


My use of the word "aurora" I have explained to 1201 above. I am not sure if it is correct the way I put it in Portuguese (my knowledge of this language is very poor, what I know from songs really).

Actually and it is a very minor nit, the aurora is not seen that far south. Or that far north. It struck me as odd.

 

[bogusagain]

Actually and it is a very minor nit, the aurora is not seen that far south. Or that far north. It struck me as odd.

The aurora was visiable as far south as the south of France this year. I looked on google and found an article saying it was seen as far south as New Orleans. Rare, I know.

 

[pelegrino]

Many thanks, Tsotha, for your detailed reply. I feel now that I know a lot more about what my feelings were/are.
I think "de saudade" stands ok as is.
I did want to say:
Sad nightingale from saudade,
dawn of the green cape,
Cezaria Evora.
But the first line now reads:
Sad nightingale made of saudade,
which I find more poetical, as you also said.

And thanks a lot for your link. I did appreciate all I can of the beautiful sonnet by Maria Fernanda Teles! God, you have improved me rapidly!

 

[Tsotha]

Actually and it is a very minor nit, the aurora is not seen that far south. Or that far north. It struck me as odd.

What aurora are you referring to? In Portuguese, aurora is often used for any light before sunrise, not for the aurora borealis.

"Como a aurora precursora
do farol da divindade"

"As the aurora preceding
the lamp of divinity"

Many thanks, Tsotha, for your detailed reply. I feel now that I know a lot more about what my feelings were/are.
I think "de saudade" stands ok as is.
I did want to say:
Sad nightingale from saudade,
dawn of the green cape,
Cezaria Evora.
But the first line now reads:
Sad nightingale made of saudade,
which I find more poetical, as you also said.

And thanks a lot for your link. I did appreciate all I can of the beautiful sonnet by Maria Fernanda Teles! God, you have improved me rapidly!

pelegrino, yes, "de saudade" is perfectly fine as it is. You're actually getting both things: the person who doesn't know about the song will read "made of saudade" and the person who knows will read "of saudade". So it's perfect. "Triste rouxinol da saudade" would mean: "sad nightingale that sings of saudade".

To write this:

Sad nightingale from saudade,
dawn of the green cape,
Cezaria Evora.

You can do this:

Triste rouxinol de saudade,
aurora do Cabo Verde,
Cezaria Evora

About the link, reading a poem in a language you do not know is a bit of a sad experience, I know, but I just wanted to provide you an example of the word "auroral" being used. It's not common, people don't go around comparing things to an aurora, "in real life"...

If you have any other questions, feel free to ask.

 

[twelveoone]

What aurora are you referring to? In Portuguese, aurora is often used for any light before sunrise, not for the aurora borealis.

"Como a aurora precursora
do farol da divindade"

"As the aurora preceding
the lamp of divinity"

I stand corrected, similar to halo in english?
But I guessed the aurora borealis would be a non issue in Portugal.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

A couple of things ........ the aurora borealis can be seen in Scotland and citique is not criticism.

 

[Tsotha]

I stand corrected, similar to halo in english?
But I guessed the aurora borealis would be a non issue in Portugal.

You can say halo in portuguese, too — o halo da lua (the halo of the moon). But yes, I suppose so. And yeah, when you're going to talk about the northern lights, you always use "borealis" alongside aurora.

 

[twelveoone]

A couple of things ........ the aurora borealis can be seen in Scotland and citique is not criticism.

unless the earth slid Scotland has always been more north than Portugal.
yes and no

crit·i·cism
2. the analysis and judgment of the merits and faults of a literary or artistic work.
"alternative methods of criticism supported by well-developed literary theories"
synonyms: evaluation, assessment, appraisal, analysis, judgment;....